so he needs some time...now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2005
so he needs some time...now what?
3
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 11:58am

I have been dating a wonderful guy for over a year and a half....long story short in the past two months he has been dealing with alot. He decided to move out of the apartment that he had shared with two friends ( basically a frat house) and back home with his mother to save money to pay bills and so that we could buy a condo. He had decided to go back to college to finish his degree, he has some new job offers that he is considering as well. He also has had some legal problems stemming from a 2001 OUI that recently came to light.

After returning from a 2 week business trip he told me that he wanted to leave school, even though he had just started again. I told him that I thought that he needed to stick it out, finish the first class and then make a decison. The arguement escalated and he said that he felt unsupported. The next day he came over and told me that he thought that we needed a break.

At first I took it as another fight. I was cold, and unemotional as he told me this. I took the "never let them see you cry approach" and as soon as he left became a mess.

Now we have talked about it several times...mostly because I wont let it go. He keeps telling me he needs time to be alone right now to figure out what he wants, and that he thinks he just wants to be without a relationship for a while.

What am I supposed to take that to mean? If you have problems and you love that person shouldnt you try your hardest to fix them? I keep looking for another meaning in what he's saying, that i need a break is...i dont want to be with you, and im just trying to be nice....What do I do? I pick up the phone to call him like every 20 min thinking that this time he will listen to me and realize that he loves me and is making a mistake...

What do I do?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 12:28pm

I'm sorry for what you are going through...but you need to assume it's over and start moving on (and STOP calling him!). A "break" without a specific time frame isn't a break, it's a break-up by someone who isn't capable or willing to be honest with you.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 12:48pm

I have to agree...... (from personal experience). I'm in week 2 of my break up and it hurts like hell but I am trying my best.

However hard it is to realize, you can't make someone change their minds by calling, pleading, begging, rationalizing... Its a feeling he has - he needs his space, and if you do continue to call him - it will just frustrate the situation for both of you.

I know it is hard but please try to take this time for yourself - go shopping, get a manicure, work out, hang out w/ friends... It is all you can do. Recognize that you do not have any control in this situation except over your own actions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 3:46pm

Believe him.

I think your best course of action is to just back off and leave him alone. When you talked about how you told him you thought he should stick it out, finish the first class and then make a decison, IMHO, you sounded a bit like his mom. While I do believe your advice was wise, it doesn't sound like he appreciated it. Maybe the guy is a bit on the indecisive and wishy-washy side, and has a problem with following through with things. If so, this is something you need to know.

Now, was that an OUI or a DUI? If he has a problem with drinking and driving, you need to know that too. It could save you years of misery.

At this time, just leave him alone and give him the space that he needs.

Take care,
heymum