So hurt and confused!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
So hurt and confused!
8
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 1:05pm

I'm not sure where to begin here. Everyone who I've talked to about this have all thought it was pretty ridiculous and I guess I'm looking for some unbiased opinions and/or advice.

I was with my bf for about 10 months when all of a sudden and completely out of the blue he broke up with me. His so called reasons for doing so where because he is a very active person and likes to be busy all the time and plays lots of sports and goes to the gym etc. I on the other hand don't do those things and I enjoy spending my free time with friends and family. Anyways we had one conversation about this two weeks prior and I was under the impression that we understood each other, we had a long drawn out email conversation about it and the last email was him saying that he agrees with me and that maybe he could use some more down time.

The week he broke up with me he spent the Tuesday night at my house we watched a movie and everything was normal. Thursday of that week he sent me a cute text message, also normal as usually does this and he asked to take me out to dinner Friday night and asked me to spend the night at his place. Anyway it was that Friday night that he basically blew up at me out of no where and broke up with me. His main 'reasons' being that because I am not active as him and because I haven't changed jobs yet (I’m looking but haven't found the right opportunity yet and my current job is still very good with good money, I’m just looking for a change) that we were completely different people and that he didn't think he could do this anymore. My main reasons for being confused are that there was no lead up to this...no indication that anything was wrong. Even when this was discussed before for the first time ever, I thought we had agreed that it was okay that we have similar as well as different interests and that when I find the right job for me I will go for it. The whole time we were arguing on Friday it felt as though he was flip-flopping between if we were ending it or just fighting and at the end he decided he couldn't do it anymore because he didn't think I would change...I guess by that means become more active and immediately change jobs.

This is just so crazy to me I don't know what to do. When I left I just got out of the car and didn't even say goodbye, when I drove past he was visibly upset and had his head in his hands shaking it back and forth. We have not been in contact since. I feel like I am grasping at straws here because I just don't understand, we had a great relationship and did lots of things together including sports, I am very athletic, I just don't play organized sports or am a member of a league or go to the gym. I just feel like maybe there is a chance that he over reacted? (Which he has a tendency of doing) because it just didn't seem like this was something he planned to do. What should I do? Should I go in search of answers to find out what his real deal is or just wait and see if he even chooses to contact me?

Sorry this is so long it; it is just so hard to explain!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 1:18pm

Hmmm. My initial reaction, based on the information you supplied, is that he's clearly been at least somewhat unhappy in the relationship for some period of time, even if it hasn't been apparent to you. And this unhappiness isn't your fault, either, because, to use your example, you should only change jobs for YOU and not for him. If that is in fact a "real" reason for his breakup (or part of it), then you might be better off without him anyway...from your description, that aspect of his discontent sounds rather...well, controlling.

Overall, it sounds like a breakdown in communication occurred between you two, with you thinking everything was fine and him not so much. I'm not sure that approaching him is the best thing at this point, it sounds like some time to think about yourself and how you feel about him (in light of his flipfloppy behavior) might not be a bad idea and ditto for him. After some time, if you still want to, perhaps approach him with the possibility of talking about what went wrong? Also, he may contact you in the mean time...and at this point, letting him get his ducks in a row a bit about how he feels about being with you might be a good thing, too. Stay strong. No matter what happens you're going to be fine. You deserve a great guy who is happy with you because of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 2:13pm
My advice to you is to let it go for now. It sounds like he was looking for excuses to break up (for whatever reason). Asking him to explain himself isn't going to make the pain you feel go away, it may even make it worse if he starts saying things that are going to hurt you more. I know you need answers, but he may not even have any himself - sometimes people just need to run (fear of committment, fear of getting to close to someone, lack of trust). If it's meant to be, it will be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 2:53pm
Thanks for the posts. I know I should just let it go for now but some days are just so hard. Yesterday I felt pretty ok. I was probably more angry than anything else but today I just feel sad. There are no words to really describe it, it just sucks! I don't plan on contacting him as I just don't really see the point, since he broke it off he should be the one to contact me. I just hate that he hasn't because every day that passes that he doesn't contact me, it just makes me feel like there is no hope that he ever will. I have been through painful breakups before and I know eventually I will be ok but I truly thought this relationship was different and special and it kills me to think that he just didn't feel the same way and that he is just happy and able to move on with his life not even thinking about me or missing me. And I really hate the way things ended with us yelling and fighting because we didn't really ever fight, a few minor arguments or disagreements but nothing like what happened the night it ended and i just feel like the way it ended wasn't a good relfection of what our relationship was to me. This is all just so hurtful, how is it that guys can just go on as if nothing happened while we sit here crying are eyes out over everything? It just doesn't seem fair to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 3:04pm
It is a proven fact that men suffer more over break-ups than women for the simple fact that women allow themselves to feel the pain. You don't know that he's just going along fine, but whether he is or not, you have to think about you. Every experience we have makes us stronger if we see the lesson in it. They say when one door closes, somewhere a window opens, but the tunnel is a bitch. You are in the tunnel right now, feeling lost and in the dark. But you will come out the other side stronger, wiser and even more sure of yourself than you were before. Grief comes in waves: the less we fight it and learn to roll with it, the less likely we are to drown in it. It may feel like the end of the world, and it is in a way, but there is another world waiting for you around the corner. It may not come as quickly as you want it to, but it will come and then perhaps you'll understand why you had to go through what you are going through now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2004
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 7:44pm

Hola - This same thing happened to me last week with my BF of 10 months. Prior to this we had already discussed getting married, when to have children, met the whole family etc. We just got back from a vacation with his family that I was invited on. Everything was perfect - he even declared in front of everyone how happy he was to have found me and be in his life. Cut to 2 weeks later he breaks up me with. Acting as he normally did up until that fateful morning - calling me everyday, coming over every night, telling me I was beautiful, he loves me - then bam - says he needed the weekend to think about continuing on or not. After the weekend he tells me no he feels he must move on. I was shocked as well as his family (I was contacted by some the next day). We've both had many problems in the last month - I lost a job and have had some financial stresses - he's an actor and hasn't had work in the last few months and has financial difficulties as well. He's had some other work problems with his soccer business (what he does while not acting) but after talking them over with me and asking advice on what to do with some things it seemed those problems had be resovled. It's not been the best time for either of us careerwise/financially. But anyway I say all this to let you know you aren't alone. Our relationship wasn't perfect - any miscommunication we had we always made sure to acknowledge it and discuss it. We never fought or acted mean to one another. It has been pretty bleak the last month because of external factors but I never thought he'd chuck it all and not attempt to define why he wanted to leave (said he couldn't define it) or work on anything. I'm rambling but just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 10:24pm
I am going to share my gut reaction to your post - I could be all wrong here. First I sense you are one squared away gal. Keep doing what you are doing - this will serve you well. As for your relationship I think you should be thankful you are out sooner than later. Why? This man is a control freak. Added to that he is subtle about it - hence your confusion. If you were weak at the moment in time and buckled you would have been paying the price over and over in the future. Instead you stood up and he turned his back. Believe me this is a blessing in disguise. In disguise is what he was initially. You are a hero and you do not understand why. The best thing you can do for yourself is move on and never look back. Change your job when your gut tells you and not a moment before. Go girl!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 11:30am
I'm sorry to hear you are going through the same thing, it is nice to know we are not alone and not the only ones to experience something like this because before your post I truly thought this was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard. I still dont't understand why he would want to throw it all away and not want to even try to work on things. I truly know how much it hurts and how much it sucks to be blindsided and to feel like you have no control over the outcome because the other person already made that decision without you(me/us).
You seem to be dealing with it very well, maybe you just didn't want to talk about how you were feeling in your post, but you seem very strong and I admire that. I am a strong person too but most days I just feel really weak, this morning was particulary tough. I completely broke down when i got to work and mornings are generally my worst time of day. Thanks again for your post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 11:46am
Thanks you for your strong words of encouragement, I have read them over a few times this morning, which has been a hard one for me. I do feel like I am a strong individual, obviously just down in the dumps right now. Looking back I can see things in him that I knew where there I just didn't think they would effect me or our relationship. He is a perfectionist and expects everyone one else to be to, it's his way or it's wrong. He is also incredibly inpatient. Anytime he started with me that way I would set him straight. Part of me sees now that he couldn't handle the fact that I was strong and was content with myself the way that I am, I told him that I don't do well with people trying to pressure me to do things I'm not ready for and that I always have and always will do things at my own pace and when I know they are right for me. I guess that wasn't good enough for him but that's just too bad. He had a lot of great quailites that made it easy to over look those things and I accepted him for who he was but I guess he couldn't offer me the same. Thanks again for your words, they made me feel strong when I felt weak.