so hurt - pls help me

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
so hurt - pls help me
4
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 1:11pm
Hello,
I don't post too much, although I frequently visit the m-boards and have read some great advice posted to other members. Right now I am really upset and could use some advice -
I was dating a guy for almost 7 mos, and things were perfect - we never fought, we both really enjoyed spending time together (although it was only about 1x/week, because we lived an hr apart and he is in his residency and works LOOONG hours...but his 1 night off was almost always spent w/ me, unless he was meeting some of his friends/fam that were in town visiting. Although we never said I love you, the past few mos, I felt really ready to say it, but was scared because I've never said it before..although I was trying to think up a "special way" to say it for the 1st time..in the meantime, I was fine w/ waiting a little longer, because I truly believed through his actions/how he looked at me/treated me that he felt basically the same way. 2 wks ago was my bday and he took me out for a great dinner and got me a very sentimental present and we went to see fireworks - I'm tellin ya, everything was perfect! We even talked about doing things/trips over the summer, etc...Well..yesterday, I returned to my home from a week out of state visiting my family, and he came over to spend time w/ me, and we had a great day...but at the very end of the day, he said "We need to talk..."...I got really scared and I could tell he looked upset, and he kept saying this is so hard...then he said "I think we should probably stop seeing each other..."...I asked why (through tears) and he said "we've been together a while now, and I feel like by now I should be in love w/ u, but I don't feel like I'm falling in love w/ you"...I asked him if there was someone else, and he said no, and I believe him, besides being an honest, good person, he wouldn't have time w/ his work anyway to meet anyone else. I was just so shocked and caught off guard, I didn't know what to say, I wanted to ask him all these questions, but at the same time I felt really pathetic and didn't want to "beg" him to stay w/ me if he didn't want to, but I was just so confused because through his actions he seemed to be feeling exactly the same way as me. I did ask him if he thought in time he might fall in love, and he said he just doesn't see us being long term, and he doesn't want to hurt me by staying together then breaking up later down the road. So he was being honest and trying to be as gentle as possible..I wasn't really angry at the time, just so hurt and confused. He also said he thought we were just too different and he couldn't see us together forever. I said that I thought we were different in some ways, but we shared similar values on what really matters. I believe I asked how he thought we were so different, and he said he thought I was just so sweet and innocent, and his sense of humor is so sarcastic/wise ass, and he "doesn't want me to change"...he looked really upset and he kept saying he thinks I'm the perfect girl, the sweetest girl he's ever met, so pretty, and funny, and he doesn't get it, but just doens't think we're meant to be. I started getting really upset and asked him to leave, and he just sat there, and I couldn't look at him, and I asked him a few more times, and he didn't, so I went sobbing upstairs to my bedroom w/out looking at him..although while I was going upstairs I could hear him crying downstairs..then he left.
I just don't know what to do. I don't want to give up, but at the same time, if his feelings are definitely set and he knows we're not meant to be, then I don't want to be pushy, and I want to eventually move on. But he seemed so confused and upset telling me, that I don't understand how he could 100% want this to be over for good. I have no idea if he'll try to contact me, and I wish I knew what to say. He is so smart, and I have some great traits, but I know I'm not as smart as him, and I just wish I had something "wise" and heartfelt to say to him to try to make this work. Does anyone think I should consider sending him a letter/email expressing my feelings? Again, I don't want to be "pushy/pathetic", but I think our relationship was so special and worth at least a little bit of a fight. I have no idea what to say or do. Any advice/comments/etc. would be greatly appreciated more than you know. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. Happy Easter.
Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 3:14pm

Hi, I am so sorry that this happened to you, especially since this is Easter. I am sure you are feeling blind-sided by this since he gave you such a wonderful birthday so recently. I have learned that guys have an ability that most women do not have to separate what they know is ultimately best for them from their current feelings. Thus, I think your BF felt deep down that something was not right for him in your relationship, and he needed to make a break, even though he probably loves you very much. Have you ever really cared for someone to the point of loving them, but not been "in love" with them? That is probably how he is feeling now.

I am learning also that it is important to watch a guy's actions, but also his words. After a few months, it may be wise to inquire about his feelings, if your feelings have turned serious.

This has not much to do with you, but more about the way you two are together. I would suggest no contact from you, at least right now. He has gotten up the courage to tell you how he feels, and I doubt anything you could write or say right now would change his mind. I know, it is painful to have unexpressed feelings, but they would fall on reluctant ears right now. Write down all your feelings and give it to your best girlfriend. She will be much more understanding and can comfort you.

You can fight for this relationship, but it takes two fighting real hard to make a go of any relationship. You should not be wondering if he is 100% determined to end it, so you could use that five or ten percent to try to reignite the spark; to the contrary, you should have been concerned if he was even 20% NOT into you, because you deserve 100% of his heart.

We have all been through this. For now, just live your own life and be with your friends and family. Be glad he had the guts to tell you this now and not some years down the road. We are here for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 6:48pm
Thank you for your very kind/honest message. I really appreciate you taking time out of your day to try and help me feel better...thanks again for thinking of me.
Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 11:23pm
You are very welcome. In some way, it helps me cope with my pain, too. I wish I could really do something to make your pain go away faster. I know how you feel.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 1:18am
Hi, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. i know how it feels to be blind-sighted like this. The only thing I can say is to really give him space. Don't contact him. Try to take his word for it that he does not see a future as much as it hurts. Do you have family or friends you can spend time with? Try to lean on others right now and resist contacting him. He will come to you if he changes his mind. I know it hurts so much...ive been there.
Hugs