So I guess he didn't get the memo...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
So I guess he didn't get the memo...
3
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 11:16am
So the ex called my cell last night. It's the second time he's called it in the last week, and third time he's tried to contact me (phone or IM) in a little less then a month or so, after N/C for about 3-4 months. I guess he didn't understand that when I didn't answer his IM....I didn't want to talk to him (read previous posts if you're wanting to know what happened). When he called this past Wednesday, I was at a funeral and was in no mood or shape to be talking to him (didn't know it was him right away, he must have gotten a new cell number). Had a feeling it was him though because of the area code on the number, but I didn't return the call. I got home just yesterday from this Vacation/Funeral stuff, went online put up an away message that I was around and to call if I was needed (didn't think he still looked at my name let alone read my away messages, he's been off my list for about a month, so I didn't even think about it). The phone call went something like this:

~~~~

Me: (answering...again not knowing whose number it was) Hello?

EX: Hey!

Me: (3 second pause)....hey.

EX: You owe me $50, cuz I told you I'd talk to you this summer.

Me: Oh, ok.

EX: (chuckles)How's it going.

Me: Fine.

EX: D*mn...what's your problem (sorta sarcastic jokingly, he does it alot, just his way)

Me: I don't have a problem.

EX: oh...ok, well I guess I'll let you go since you don't seem like you really want to talk, I'll talk to you later.

Me: Actually, I'd rather you not.

EX: D*mn Zsa...what's your problem (more serious this time).

Me: I don't have a problem, I'd just rather not talk with you.

EX: Fine...whatever....I guess I'll see you around back at school or whatever....

(He hangs up)

Me: bye (to a dial tone)

~~~~~~

ok....now to me...I don't think I sounded very b*tchy, I was just trying to stay calm and act like I wasn't affected by it one way or the other. When in truth, my heart was racing and I was so ticked, and confused, and hurt, and UGH!!!!! But I dunno...maybe some outside insight would help (I know it's hard since you can't get the tones of voice and all that stuff) Meh....why'd he have to do it...it's hard enough I've been emotionally drained this whole week because of the funerals (On what was supposed to be a week of vacation at the cabin) Now this with him all of a sudden taking an interest in my life or the fact that I still exsist??? Not helpful to me AT ALL! And lord knows if he'll actually do as I ask and not contact me again...part of me wants him to ignore it and call...and the other part knows it won't happen. I think the only plus side of it was that I hope I made his night just as sh*tty as he made mine by calling after everything that happened and all this time. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!


~*~Zsa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 3:44pm
I was trying to respond to a similar post in a separate thread, but my computer crashed, so hopefully the other poster reads this as well. Why the ex suddenly pops up in your life after months of no contact to initiate lame conversations is just one of the mysteries of the ages. Frankly, I think they're bored, lonely, drunk, or some variation on that theme. In my experience, when they do this, they have not thought through WHY they're doing it. So, you're pondering, analyzing, trying to understand the purpose of this call, and the moron who did it probably has no more idea why he called than you do. He may just have been responding to a fleeting impulse, like an amoeba shifting in response to a change in its environment. Exes do this all the time, even those you'd have sworn you'd never hear from again. I lost about a $50 bet on that, myself, I swore I would *never* hear from him again, and now here he is, with countless instancse of pointless contact. I got a one-word email from him the other day - what the crap is that?

Anyway, here's what I think - this often happens when the "dumper," for lack of a better term, starts having second thoughts, usually because life out in the cold cruel world is not as receptive as he'd hoped. Or, a commitment phobe doesn't want to foreclose his options, wants to be sure he's still got you there on the hook just in case. Or maybe he really has no idea why he calls/messages/whatever the first time, but when you don't respond, it becomes a challenge, a chase, and just like a dog after a passing car, he'll chase without knowing why simply because the opportunity presents itself. Everyone likes a challenge, and by purposefully ignoring him, you've become one to him.

Does sudden contact from an ex after months mean that he wants to get back together? Who knows, honestly. If they won't be honest and upfront about what they want, then, really, who cares? If he wants to be friends or be back together, he needs to say that. Otherwise, he's just testing the waters, just curious about the reception, and he may be doing that to confirm to himself that, yep, he still made the right choice, or he may have been rejected recently and want to confirm that there's someone out there who's still interested, or maybe he's just a drama queen interested in provoking an emotional scene just for the thrill of it because his life is boring right now.

Bottom line: this behavior is common, and totally infuriating. You're right to insist on no contact. If he wants you back, he can try to win you back by showing he's changed and realized the error of his ways. Chatting about "what's up" is not the way to do that. If he were focused and motivated and knew what he wanted, he wouldn't waste the time with you. It's because he's aimless and confused and just bored that he wants to chat randomly about nothing. If he doesn't want you back, and, frankly, that's probably not what these calls are about, he's just trying to reopen a wound and you need no contact for your well-being.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 5:06pm
Hi, why do they pop up outta nowhere? Especially if we have requested them not to contact us? I think Milton is right and I have been dealing with the same. They call and if we don't jump and act all excited they say, "well if you don't want to talk, or if thats the way YOU want it" and turn it all around like we have done this...what the f***.

Unfortunately I let mine back for a "lets hangout" and it was great for the moment but immediately went nowhere and I was left feeling, kinda used. It is a game of being challenged, they keep coming back for more which is what we want in a way if it will lead to something productive but it's games and not realistic. You were doing good to not react and call back. He might try again and hopefully if he has an agenda, he'll come out with it and you can deal with what he says instead of just stirring things and running making you think you pushed him away. I don't know if that makes sense, but stay strong, he probably feels stupid, which is funny I think. YOu didn't drop everything to give him a moment to build his ego. GOOD FOR YOU. I am avoiding my ex which I know he will find a way to get to me and ultimately throw it in my face, his game is old and i'm done playing. Best wishes to you!!

so glad to see you Milton!!!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 8:55pm
I wrote this a while back for another board, but hope you'll find it helpful.

FWIW, in my experience, men who break up with women and keep in contact usually do so for one or more of the following reasons:

--they genuinely like you and enjoy your company, and since they made the decision to break up with YOU and are ok with it, they don't understand that it's painful for YOU to be friends

--they need to feel that they are not the "bad guy"--as in, "hey, she's willing to be my friend, so I can't be *ALL* that bad for breaking up with her!"

--they want to keep you on the hook just in case they change their mind and want to come back to you (but usually just for sex and companionship, not because they think the relationship can really work out)

Sheri