So I guess he didn't get the memo...
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 08-02-2004 - 11:16am |
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Me: (answering...again not knowing whose number it was) Hello?
EX: Hey!
Me: (3 second pause)....hey.
EX: You owe me $50, cuz I told you I'd talk to you this summer.
Me: Oh, ok.
EX: (chuckles)How's it going.
Me: Fine.
EX: D*mn...what's your problem (sorta sarcastic jokingly, he does it alot, just his way)
Me: I don't have a problem.
EX: oh...ok, well I guess I'll let you go since you don't seem like you really want to talk, I'll talk to you later.
Me: Actually, I'd rather you not.
EX: D*mn Zsa...what's your problem (more serious this time).
Me: I don't have a problem, I'd just rather not talk with you.
EX: Fine...whatever....I guess I'll see you around back at school or whatever....
(He hangs up)
Me: bye (to a dial tone)
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ok....now to me...I don't think I sounded very b*tchy, I was just trying to stay calm and act like I wasn't affected by it one way or the other. When in truth, my heart was racing and I was so ticked, and confused, and hurt, and UGH!!!!! But I dunno...maybe some outside insight would help (I know it's hard since you can't get the tones of voice and all that stuff) Meh....why'd he have to do it...it's hard enough I've been emotionally drained this whole week because of the funerals (On what was supposed to be a week of vacation at the cabin) Now this with him all of a sudden taking an interest in my life or the fact that I still exsist??? Not helpful to me AT ALL! And lord knows if he'll actually do as I ask and not contact me again...part of me wants him to ignore it and call...and the other part knows it won't happen. I think the only plus side of it was that I hope I made his night just as sh*tty as he made mine by calling after everything that happened and all this time. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
~*~Zsa


Anyway, here's what I think - this often happens when the "dumper," for lack of a better term, starts having second thoughts, usually because life out in the cold cruel world is not as receptive as he'd hoped. Or, a commitment phobe doesn't want to foreclose his options, wants to be sure he's still got you there on the hook just in case. Or maybe he really has no idea why he calls/messages/whatever the first time, but when you don't respond, it becomes a challenge, a chase, and just like a dog after a passing car, he'll chase without knowing why simply because the opportunity presents itself. Everyone likes a challenge, and by purposefully ignoring him, you've become one to him.
Does sudden contact from an ex after months mean that he wants to get back together? Who knows, honestly. If they won't be honest and upfront about what they want, then, really, who cares? If he wants to be friends or be back together, he needs to say that. Otherwise, he's just testing the waters, just curious about the reception, and he may be doing that to confirm to himself that, yep, he still made the right choice, or he may have been rejected recently and want to confirm that there's someone out there who's still interested, or maybe he's just a drama queen interested in provoking an emotional scene just for the thrill of it because his life is boring right now.
Bottom line: this behavior is common, and totally infuriating. You're right to insist on no contact. If he wants you back, he can try to win you back by showing he's changed and realized the error of his ways. Chatting about "what's up" is not the way to do that. If he were focused and motivated and knew what he wanted, he wouldn't waste the time with you. It's because he's aimless and confused and just bored that he wants to chat randomly about nothing. If he doesn't want you back, and, frankly, that's probably not what these calls are about, he's just trying to reopen a wound and you need no contact for your well-being.
Unfortunately I let mine back for a "lets hangout" and it was great for the moment but immediately went nowhere and I was left feeling, kinda used. It is a game of being challenged, they keep coming back for more which is what we want in a way if it will lead to something productive but it's games and not realistic. You were doing good to not react and call back. He might try again and hopefully if he has an agenda, he'll come out with it and you can deal with what he says instead of just stirring things and running making you think you pushed him away. I don't know if that makes sense, but stay strong, he probably feels stupid, which is funny I think. YOu didn't drop everything to give him a moment to build his ego. GOOD FOR YOU. I am avoiding my ex which I know he will find a way to get to me and ultimately throw it in my face, his game is old and i'm done playing. Best wishes to you!!
so glad to see you Milton!!!
FWIW, in my experience, men who break up with women and keep in contact usually do so for one or more of the following reasons:
--they genuinely like you and enjoy your company, and since they made the decision to break up with YOU and are ok with it, they don't understand that it's painful for YOU to be friends
--they need to feel that they are not the "bad guy"--as in, "hey, she's willing to be my friend, so I can't be *ALL* that bad for breaking up with her!"
--they want to keep you on the hook just in case they change their mind and want to come back to you (but usually just for sex and companionship, not because they think the relationship can really work out)
Sheri