so i'm fat...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
so i'm fat...
11
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 8:43pm
and that is why he doesn't want to be intimate with me anymore...he loves me but just doesn't find me attractive anymore after five years because i have put on 20 lbs...let's not forget that he has on 30 lbs in the past year, but that is okay...so now all the pain i felt last night in my post (read FIVE YEARS.....AND HE DOESN"T CARE) is totally more unbearable now because i feel like i'm the most unattractive, unlovable person possible...why did i answer the phone? and why did i ask the questions i asked? i said to him, after he said he didn't want to break up, "how can we be together if we won't have sex because there is no way of us being intimate now?" (you girls know what i mean) and he says, well you can still take care of me!!!! can you imagine???? i feel sooo not sexy at all and feel that our relations in that department in the past are now seedy. UGHHH....before i thought about all the things i learned about myself by being with him, especially in the past year and the good it brought to me, even if it didn't improve the relationship...so now, i will plot revenge...and lose my weight and see him one day and he'll still have his 30 lbs if not more and i will be happy...is that wrong?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 10:52pm

Take care of him????

Don't talk to him, don't answer his calls or have anything to do with him. He is a jerk among other things and you deserve better, and be thankful he is out of your life.

No it is not wrong, but do it for yourself if you want and not to get back at him. If you want revenge the best revenge you can get is go on with your life without him be the best you can be, be happy and content with yourself and your life. Repeat to yourself " I am beautiful, I deserve better, I deserve to be respected and loved" as long as it takes for you to believe it. Because it is the truth. Work on yourself and be happy with who you are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 1:37pm
I've got a lot more than 20 extra pounds (if ONLY I had 20 lbs. to lose!!!!! How lucky you are!) on me and never have I had a man I was intimate with tell me he was not attracted to me. My personal take on your man's comment is that he is blaming you for why he wants out. Thats what men do and thats what we women allow them to do and then beat ourselves up about it. If losing 20 lbs. will make you feel better about yourself then do it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 5:27pm

well, i don't have JUST 20 lbs to lose, much more, that is just what i have gained since being with him for five years...
I do have to say, and i'm not sure how I should take this but he did send me a long email this morning apologizing, in response to my email letting him know how badly he hurt me, i'm posting it here, any feedback on this would be welcomed:

"morning, read your email this morning and am sorry you got so upset.
The biggest reason I haven't been in the mood for sex is my medication.
It isn't about you gaining weight. by me saying you put on a lot of
weight wasn't supposed to upset you. I am sorry for that. I do love
you and I love you a lot. I am not the only one that hits below the
belt in an argument. We both do it so please don't play the do as I say
not as I do thing. I am very sorry you got so upset, it was NEVER my
intention to hurt you."

do you all think this was just sent to clear his conscience?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 9:08pm

Ummmm jerk? Seriously, don't lose sleep over this. A good person would have said: "Hey honey lets get healthy together we'll work out and learn to make some low-cal meals...you know we've both let ourselves go a bit..."

He sounds insensitive and hypocritical. Who needs that?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 1:25am
It sounds to me like a cop out, blaming it on his medications. If his meds were decreasing his libido, he wouldn't be telling you that you can "pleasure" him. Sounds like a self-centered jerk. And don't put yourself down for gaining weight. It's his loss if he doesn't find you attractive, because plenty of other people will. If it makes you feel any better, I've put on like 10 lbs in the past month. Gotta quit eating those Big Macs when I'm stressing... Keep your chin up!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2007
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 8:21am
I agree with all of these women. This guy is truly insensitive and has some issues himself. It is amazing how we, as women and caregivers, take the blame of a failed relationship solely onto ourselves. If I were prettier, if I lost 20 pounds, if I just did things differently it would have been happily ever after. I have said those things to myself and it is really not what would have changed matters. Hang in there honey. I think if and when you move on you will thank yourself a million times over...and not question if it was the weight or what about YOU could have been different.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 8:06pm
All of you girls are right...and my head knows this, it's just reconciling my heart to accept it. That is the hard part, so how do you do it? even when you know this person who you lay awake at night, thinking about, crying over, is not healthy for you, why is it so hard to move away?
on a brighter note, i just came in from an awesome 2.5 mile power walk!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 11:28am

Hey, there,

I know most of the girls are telling you that he is an insensitive jerk and that could be the case but I feel different about it. Talking from experience, I have to say that it is true that medication can decrease your sex drive. However, I do think that he should really make an effort to take you into consideration.
I, too, needed to lose weight but when my BF mentioned it, he told me that we should BOTH do it to be healthier, not skinnier… He actually gained weight to get muscle and I stayed at my same weight but got fit. To me, your BF was being sincere. If he is anything like my BF, he does not think before he speaks and doesn’t know that we give different meanings to things and take them more literal (at least, I do).

Thanks, Sky

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 11:40am
Honey, I had the same exact problem with my boyfriend.We had been together for 3 years and I had gained weight (he is overweight himself!!).He then told me he didnt think I am attractive anymore and didnt like my body.I felt like s***! After long talks and lots of thinking I told him to break up.Finally,he came back begging that he cant live without me and that he is a jerk!Now, I've lost a lot of weight, because I wanted it.He is still overweight and I feel so great!This is my revenge..He feels so guilty now.
Anyway, if he really loves you he wont leave you because of this.And lose weight ONLY if you do it for yourself and you really want it.Listen to me..
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2007
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 4:22pm
I too gained weight during my relationship with my ex. Over time, our relationship became contingent upon my losing weight - there were other major issues but my weight was a big issue. I joined weight watchers and could not lose weight because I kept eating due to the fact he made me feel so badly about myself I medicated myself with food. It was a vicious cycle. So, he broke up with me. Guess what happened? I lost a lot of weight and no longer need artificial means (food) to feel good about myself. Everything happens for a reason. It was just not meant to be. I'm glad to be rid of him. He was too judgemental. I deserve better. I didn't realize how critical of me he was until he was gone. Sure I loved him and I miss certain things about our relationship, but I feel I have a lot to offer someone who will appreciate me. Or maybe I'll be alone forever...whatever happens, I know I'll be okay. I have great friends and two great kids and right now that matters more.

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