So I'm not the one?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
So I'm not the one?
5
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 9:11pm
My boyfriend of 1 year and I just broke up over the weekend. He was acting strange so I asked him what was going on and he finally said that he was confused and that he wasn't sure that I was "the one" for him. This came as a shock since we were not having any problems and he had given me no indication of it. Last Saturday was our one year anniversary and he took me to his family reunion. And on last Monday, we celebrated his 30th birthday. I wonder if all of these events spurred some confusion in him, but it doesn't change the fact that he claimed that his gut feeling told him this wasn't it. It truly and honestly hurts me and I know that he feels horrible. He called me last night to make sure I was okay, and I was able to let go of the anger, but I am so deeply hurt. We were so perfect together - we were each other's best friend and I thought, soul mate. It just breaks my heart finding out that he didn't feel the same way. As discussed last night, he came by my place while I was at work to drop off keys to my place and pick up his stuff. I lost all control when I saw the keys - I guess I was still in disbelief about the whole breakup and this made it official. I miss him so much and I'm going to be in so much pain for a while. Thanks for reading - it just helps to spell this out and I hope I will soon be able to move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2004
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 9:31pm

I can definitely relate to your situation, as I have been there two (or three) times myself. The funny thing is that when we break up, we always remember the good times. It's the scariest thing in the world to think of going on without the person you thought was "the one". You have to believe, however, that you WILL find someone better. Better for you. Someone who will be excited to be with you, someone who will be looking forward to a future without a moment's doubt. You deserve 100% from the person you are with, and you should never settle for anything less than that. The truth is that even if you got back together, you may not be lonely anymore, but new feelings may arise; you may feel insecure, wondering if he will leave again, or wondering if he is truly sure this is what he wants. It will take a while to get over this breakup - I won't deny that. But you will eventually have more good days than bad, and you will realize you are too good to be with someone who will only confuse you.

I'm sure you have heard this a thousand times - but it is very true - time will heal things. Soon you will create new memories in your life that will erase the old ones. Be with good friends, have good times. Sometimes I find it helpful to write letters to him but never send them.
I hope this helps - Good Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 11:03pm
I am so sorry to hear about your recent break up. I know it seems impossible at the moment but you will survive this. I was with who I thought was going to be the person I'd spend my life with - for 1 1/2 years. Three months ago he told me that he didn't think I was the one. This also came out of the blue - we had spent all our time together, discussed our future, were looking at homes together, and loved each other's families. I spent about a month in disbelief and crying at the mere thought of him. I am still hurt but it is amazing how much time really does heal. I haven't spoken with him in 2 months and have no desire to at this point. Although I loved him with everything I had, I would never want to be with someone who doesn't feel the same way about me. You have a long road ahead of you but believe me, once the pain and sadness starts to lift you will see that this experience has really helped you grow and learn more about yourself. It is amazing how good it feels to live through something like this. I know that sounds strange - but there is something liberating knowing that you can survive losing the love of your life. I promise, life will go on and you will eventually start to date. I've been on a few dates, and although I haven't met anyone I'm interested in pursuing a relationship with it does help to get back out there and start having fun again. I come back here every once in a while to check in and see if I can give support... this board was so helpful to me when I was going through this in the beginning. Take care of yourself - you aren't alone... and you will come out of this just fine.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 9:47am
Thank you so much for the encouraging note. I realize these things happen everyday to lots of people but it's nice to hear that I'm not the only one suffering and people have survived. And you're right - I've always told him that I didn't want to be with someone who wasn't 100% sure about me. So he did the right thing and it was almost honorable since he could've dragged it on longer. And because he loved me too, it was hard for him to admit it too. I've been able to let go of the anger, but I'm still dealing with the feeling that this is all unfair. Hopefully that bitterness will go away and my sadness will wane with time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 10:45pm

Hi there,

Been in your situation but after four long years together...he not only throws me the I don't think you're the one line but cheats on me to make it a deeper wound. So be grateful that your ex didn't drag out the situation and cheat. My ex spoke to me about marriage a week before he got some girls number at the bar. So the situation could have been much worse! It's been a little over two months, and yes I have depressing moments, but in general I'm alright. This board has helped me out a ton :) So, keep your head up and remember your worth! Be happy that you didn't waste more of your time. At times, I feel like a fool for staying around for four years...he made me believe I was it. But I think he may have known earlier but was too afraid to be completely honest. I had my doubts but I made excuses to avoid listening to the truth. In a situation like ours...the truth is when a man/boy says "I don't think you're the one for me", guess what...He isn't the one for you either. Because every person deserves someone who realizes their worth and nothing less. We all deserve something extraordinary:)

You'll be fine...be strong, cry when you need too, and know that someone in a situation much worse than yours has made it through OK so far:) So you will too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Sun, 11-21-2004 - 10:53am
Welcome to the board. I'm so sorry this is happening but we're all here to help the best we can. Several people here are going to simillar if not identical situations so we understand where you're coming from and the emotions that you're feeling. I remember when my previous relationship ended....we seemed perfect together and we never fought...everyone body thought we'd end up together and then he ended it unexpectedly. I was really upset but we took time a part and I got over it and later on we became friends and I found out the breakup really didn't have anything to do with me but just bad timing. Now I'm with a great guy that loves me more than anyone ever could and I know that everything happens for a reason....the reason just might not be known for awhile. My best advice for coping with the breakup is to have no contact with him (at least until you're over him) and to stay busy!! Good luck and keep us posted!!











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