So long, so long
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| Tue, 03-06-2007 - 4:43am |
It's 3:00 a.m. here and I cannot sleep. I have been reading all the posts and fighting the urge to post my feelings, but maybe I need to get them out.
It's been a year since I have seen my Ex, after dating/living with him six years. I have had no contact, finally, with him in about two months. I am told that will be what will help me the most to get over him. And I know that is a very short time to have had NC.
But I am still thinking about him constantly. I miss him so much, and the pain is very bad. It has gotten better in the last year, I admit, but I thought I would feel so much better about our breakup by now.
I know a huge part of it is that, even though I know he is not really good for me, I would still like to be with him, working on having a healthy relationship. And I know he feels the same way, too. His friends tell me he is miserable without me and would do anything to be with me. He is currently in counseling and I continue in counseling.
I have been in another relationship now for almost a year with a wonderful guy who is far healthier than my Ex, and I love him dearly. I am amazed I can love two guys at once, but I do love my current guy and plan to stay with him. I keep all this anguish in my head, trying to lessen my feelings for my Ex and take it all to my counselor every two weeks. I know these feelings for others somehow affect our currently relationships, but I honestly don't think my current guy has a clue there is anything else going on in my mind. I am so in love with him, but at the same time, I can't seem to forget or forgive my Ex. It still seems the world is out of kilter and I should be with my old guy. When do the intense feelings stop? I have done everything suggested on here to make them stop.

Hi memphisstars - have you done the 'Thought Stopping' Techniques yet?
Thought Stopping:
Thought stopping is very simple. As you probably well know, during the early stages of healing we obsessively think back to our ex and all the things that went on in the relationship. Its kind of like a tape the our mind just plays over and over and acts to keep us stuck in a place where we cannot move on as quickly as we may like. Thought stopping goes something like this:
1. Set aside a pre-determined 10 minutes (arbitrary time limit that you can adjust) in the morning and evening. During this time you allow yourself to sit quietly and think about your ex and the relationship. Obsess; get mad, go over and over whatever it is about the ex that you want to think about. Then when the timer goes off. That's it. You must move on to your productive activities of the day, knowing that you will get another chance that evening to return to the practice. Allowing yourself an outlet for these thoughts disciplines your mind for the task at hand. Each week or so you will cut a minute or two off the total time spent during these sessions. Just knowing you have these "meditations" scheduled during the day, helps you to focus on your work and school and leisure time, making the most of your waking hours and actually helps you sleep at night at bit easier. As I healed, I noticed that just knowing I could use that 10 minutes during my morning or evening was enough some days. I found I was much more focused and a lot less inclined to daydream and be distracted with my "internal" dialogue.
2. Every time you catch yourself thinking about the ex. or your past relationship problems, or anything related, you consciously take an action, be it snapping your fingers, saying STOP! outloud or (and this worked for me) pinching yourself to get your mind back on track (be it work, homework, working out, whatever). You will feel kind of weird doing this at first, but keep at it. You will find the time spent concentrating on your ex will greatly diminish within 2 weeks time (even more the further you go). You will be hyper sensitive to your thoughts and a kind of internal alarm will go off as soon as your mind starts to wonder. You will condition your mind to "stop the process". Soon you will notice that you no longer have to take the physical action to stop the thoughts. Your mind will begin to naturally edit itself. It just takes a bit of practice. I didn't believe it would work when I first tried it but I really had to stop all the "head work" that was going on and keeping me stuck so I tried it and it was very effective for me.
3. Lastly, the index cards. As you heal you will find that the bad memories or unpleasant part of your ex and the relationship begin to fade and you will be left with the happy, sweet feelings and thoughts of what used to be. This is great if it doesn't change your thinking. But if you find yourself looking for ways to reach out and reconnect with your ex because of these great memories then you need to use index cards. Using a couple of cards, write down every negative reason, example or thought you have about what happened in the relationship . Be as specific as possible so it?s very personal for you and triggers you to vividly remember these times. On The next card write down all the things about your ex that were unhealthy, unappealing or down right repulsive. Character defects, abusive behavior, or simply things that made you mad or sad. Whenever you get to a point where you are only thinking of the good things and missing the person... pull out the cards and relive the "reality" of what that person/relationship was really like and how living with them made you feel. You must remember the good with the bad and keep reminding yourself of the real reasons why the relationship did not work for you and cannot work. Why going back, seeking contact, reopening those wounds is just not worth the pain.
Hey sweetie, I'm sorry to hear you're still having a hard time.
I second the suggestion of thought-stopping but I'd go one step further--thought replacement. Every time you have a thought about your ex, where you're missing or mourning him, stop yourself and replace it with what I call an "acceptance mantra"--for your situation, it might be something like, "he is the way he is--I accept that we cannot have the type of relationship that I want with him because of that". I write fresh ones for each breakup (and several of them, because you'll want to have different mantras for different types of thoughts) that are specific to that specific ex.
What you're aiming towards is *acceptance* that he is not right for you because of his serious issues.
And remember, it's going to take a lot longer than 2 months of NC to get over a six year relationship. It took me about a *year* to really get to the point of acceptance and where I wasn't thinking about him every single day, and that year started *2-plus years* after my 4 year relationship had ended (I know I've told you about it--I allowed him to keep in contact with me because I didn't know better at the time, and it wasn't until I blocked him and went to total NC for about a year that I was able to move on. And now, almost 10 years after we broke up, we're actually friends and have been for about 5-6 years now).
Sheri
Once again, thanks, you all. I appreciate your thought stopping-replacing suggestions. I have actually tried journaling for a couple years, which seems similar to the index cards. I made a list of all the negative things about my relationship with the Ex, and even kept it in the car to refer to. It helped a bit.
And I have tried the morning time thinking about him and then shutting the thoughts down when I go to work. That also works pretty well, but there are so many triggers in this city of places and things we have done that constantly blindside me. I am still hypervigilant when I see a truck that resembles his. I always look and see if it is him. About once a month, I see something that just makes me burst into tears in my car in the middle of my work day.
I am continuing to work the NC. Right now it is just that, no contact, but the same intense feelings and longings are still there. And I just know my EX is feeling the same way. I bet two years from now, I will still have the same feelings for him, and all the NC is doing is keeping me from acting on them, which is probably good, but I want the pain to go away.
I have been in counseling and will continue that. It does seem to help. Both my counselors have said they think I just miss the relationship, but I know it is HIM I miss because I have a very satisfying and wonderful relationship now and I am not lonely. My new guy is just NOT the old guy, and cannot replace him. I seem to be able to love two guys at once.
It seems to help me if I replace a good thought of the Ex with a bad one, or if I remind myself that I am not going to jeopardize my new relationship by this crazy thinking.
I know my problem is that I do not yet "accept" that my last relationship cannot be salvaged because my Ex still wants me so badly and maybe he has finally decided to face his issues. But rationally, I know that is nuts because, to my knowledge, he has not made any big changes in himself.
I think the best I can do right now is to try to "accept" that it was just one of those things that ended in tragedy, and is a big mess not worth any further time and energy, and I did my best. I also have to accept that I will never understand why it could not work. In fact, I still think it can. I have to accept that all of my friends and my counselor are adamant that it would not be good for me to go back to him. I have to get over resenting this advice and realize they are probably right, although I do not understand it. I have to remember that right now I have something equally wonderful with another guy.
I have moved on with someone else before I am healed, and I am determined not to hurt my new guy because of this. I just have the feeling that if I wait until I am completely healed, it will be six or eight years down the road, and by then I will be 60 years old. In fact, I can't see EVER being completely over my Ex, and I am not willing to give up relationships until that happens. The Ex has been a huge part of my life for 17 years.
Oh, yeah, a HUGE part of acceptance is letting go of the need to understand. You're never going to understand why he is the way he is--you're just not. What's important to your healing is accepting that he is how he is. Letting go of that need to know why is so important, because that will just keep you stuck.
Reaching that point was really a lightbulb moment for me with my c'phobic ex. It was so freeing, that letting go. I hope you get there soon.
Sheri
Thanks, Sheri. Yes, I had to let go of the need to understand how my Ex-husband could have left me and three children, and I have finally been able to do that. There was no lightbulb moment, but rather just a very gradual sad giving-up and no longer caring about anything to do with him, and just being plain worn out. It took two years of depression and in-depth counseling.
Your reply has led me to believe that what I really need to give up is HOPE that I can make it work with him again, whether he is still crazy or not. That thinking is just plain stupid because we couldn't make it work for six years.
I am coming to realize that that is what I need to give up, the HOPE of our future life together. I just need to take a good quick look at the huge pile of smoking rubbish and lumber that is what became of our relationship, and realize that no amount of work will ever rebuild that into a good, strong wooden house. Hmmmm....I think you have helped me a lot here. I have always been taught not to give up hope, but sometimes it is necessary and good, in order to move forward.
Well, to me that's the same thing as accepting that you're not right for each other--but if it works better for you to call it giving up hope (or maybe "letting go" of hope--less negative), then that's what you should do.
And I think you're absolutely right--sometimes it's extremely unhealthy to hold on to hope. I think the ability to know when to let go is very important to one's well-being.
Sheri
Yes, I guess anything I can do to stop this pain right now is what I need to do, no matter what I call it.
Although I can honestly say I would rather give it another shot with my EX right now than accept the very healthy relationship I have with my new BF, I know in my mind that is not my best course, it may very well not work, and everyone advises me against it. I am just so tired at this point, I am going to just give up ever getting back together with the Ex. It really hurts to know, though, that he is wanting me back, and I feel like no one thinks I should even talk to him to see what, if anything, he has been doing to change himself.
I am very angry at the Relationship Gods, ha! I will just consider it one of those things in life I cannot have, and do my best to see that my resentment and anger and hurt and bitterness goes away and does not affect my other relationships. I have such intense feelings now that I don't know how to handle, except to stuff them down.
The important thing is that I not ACT on my feelings, and just remind myself life is not fair. We all have losses that have no rhyme or reason. It's just something I can't have. Maybe I just need to cry some more. I know who I want more and love more, and I know I want to try again, but I am forcing myself not to. I am in so much pain, I cannot think straight.
Well, that's not strictly true about the not talking to him thing. I know in one of our exchanges a while back (and I can't remember if it was in email or on this board) I said something to you like, if you feel you need to talk to him or even see him again to take care of unfinished business before you can really start to move on, then you should (because that's what it took for me to be able to block my ex--and I'm pretty sure I told you that story). But you said that you didn't think it would be productive/helpful. And honestly at THIS point I think it would be going backward for you--but you at least considered it a few months ago before you cut off contact, and decided not to.
And realistically, even if he IS going to counseling and sticking to it, with issues as deep-seated as his, you're looking at YEARS before any real change takes place. Him wanting you back does not mean anything has changed or that it would "work" this time.
I think you need to work through the hurt and anger that's coming up now--I think it's normal that it is. Even though a lot of time has passed since you broke up, you haven't gone through the healing process yet, not completely. Maybe increasing the frequency of your therapy sessions for the next month or two would be a good idea so you can have a safe place to feel the feelings rather than stuff them.
And yes, remembering that you can feel the feelings without *acting* on them is key.
And finally, the mantra that has gotten me through so much of the type of pain you're feeling: "the only way out is through". You have to go through the pain to get to the other side. If you allow yourself to contact him now, you're just postponing doing so.
Sheri
You're right, Sheri. I have been trying not to see him because neither of us is in a stable enough mood to handle it well. He wants me back and I am quite vulnerable, so it's best that it not happen. At the same time, I am furious with him, so no fights need to happen, either. There will no meeting for the foreseeable future.
I have no energy right now to continue thinking about it, so I am going to try to just block it all out, while continuing in counseling. I hate having anything in my life that I cannot even stand to think about, but that is the way I have to do it now. I am living from hour to hour, trying to do things that benefit me. Yesterday, I was upset and furious; today, I am just exhausted and don't care about much. Maybe time and no contact will work while I hide my head in the sand. I have worn myself out trying to work "through" this. I don't understand it and it is a never-ending Rubric's cube. When a thought of him or feeling comes upon me, I will just shout "No"!
I had such a horrible divorce after 28 years with one man and three children, that I decided I regretted ever marrying. NONE of that fairly happy married time was worth the hideous ending (except the three children, of course.) And I have finally changed my mind about the time spent with my Ex-BF, too. Even though we loved each other deeply and had fifteen-plus trips in this country and abroad, and shared our daily lives quite happily for five years, NONE of all of that was worth it either, not even all the stuff I learned from it. I would rather be blissfully ignorant of the hard lessons I have learned.
Honestly, Sheri, if I had my life to do over again, I would probably remain single and not even date. And I consider those friends of mine who did that quite wise. I know they are not nearly as stressed as I am.