So lost, can someone help pls!!!
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| Sun, 10-30-2005 - 11:10am |
My bf and I were together for over a year, he broke up with me in June after a huge fight (although the words "we're broken up" were never said), we got back together in July, he then broke up with me again in August and then we did not speak to each other for about a month, then started speaking to each other about 2 months ago.
I have to tell you, it has been very very hard on me. Due to something that happened between us, something that he witnessed while we were broken up, he only sees me as a friend and it's been hard for me to accept that. We also fought a lot during our relationship, but I felt these fights were due to misunderstandings, something him and I could work out. In any case, during these 2 months him and I have fought a lot, mostly because I have had a hard time accepting the fact that he just wants to be friends and not date ANYONE for awhile. I love him, very dearly, but I am learning to just relax and take it as it comes to me. He has not closed his mind to not getting back together, but I agree, it will take time.
The confusion comes from the way he acts sometimes...when we saw each other a few weeks ago, I asked him if he would be okay with me dating someone else and still being friends with him, he said "no because then we couldnt really develop a friendship, we wouldnt be able to talk to/see each other because your new bf wouldnt like it"...okay, fair enough. The next day he sent me a long email saying that "I really dont know what I was saying last night, if you want to date someone, go for it".
So last night, I went over to his house to hang out for a little bit before I was going out to a Halloween party. We ended up play fighting and he grabbed my hand and held it in between his hands, you know like crossing the fingers of his hand and mine, the way lovers hold hands. I then kissed him on the forehead and he suddenly pulled his hand away, as if realizing it wasn't the proper behavior for friends.
He says he is not going to date anyone for a while, and that is why him and I cannot get back together right now. He said he needs time to think about the things that went wrong in our relationship. I do not see myself dating for a while myself, of course I am not closing myself off to anyone, but at this point I am exhausted from everything.
So here I am, confused about the situation. My ex tells me he wants to be friends, but sometimes his actions say something completely different. I know I need to just take him as a friend and see what happens, but can anyone interpret this? Is he very confused? Am I confused? Both?
~T~

Hi T,
Sorry you're going through such a confusing time right now.
You probably won't like my advice, but here goes... you need to start no contact with this guy right now. It's not easy but it's the only way for you guys to figure out where you stand. Trying to be just
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"You get what you settle for"...
Thanks so much for your reply!!!The thing is, we speak more now than we did when we were together. The only thing that is missing right now from this are the fights and sex. Just recently we have started to get along really well and seem to have a better understanding of one another.
I don't want to not speak to him because I want to make things work between us. I am not pushing him at all (because I know that will make him run the opposite way) I feel like the only reason why he is holding back from me is because he made a promise to himself not to date anyone, including me, for a while. My ex is a very stubborn man but also true to himself, he wants to keep his promises to himself, which I completely understand and respect.
Everyone keeps on saying not to be in touch with him but everything seems so well for us right now, I don't see a reason why we shouldn't have contact. Is it so obvious that I don't see it? We aren't fighting, we are discussing things, we even have conversations about what went wrong between us. He even asked me what were the things that he did that caused me to go over board.
So I guess the only way for me to look at this is seeing him as a good friend. If he is not going to date anyone for a while, it isn't going to hurt me to see him. I feel that in time things will figure themselves out naturally, either we will get back together or truly just move on. I think it is just important to take things as they come and go from there and not think much of any of this, not try to analyze everything that happens between him and I...or am I just being really stupid here?
I'm pretty sure I've said this to you before, but trying to be "friends" with this guy while he makes up his mind is not going to work for you.
Ask him to call you if and when he decides FOR SURE he wants to get back together and then let go and move on in the meantime.
Sheri
Everybody is telling you that the best thing to do is to stop contact with your ex. We speak from experience. You are just pretending that everything is alright and that you have a perfect friendship with him, the truth is that deep inside you are struggling with your feelings for him and waiting in vain for him to change. He is not going to change and you will be hurt again.
This is like avoiding going to the doctor because you hate injections. Well, an injection hurts but you know that it is for good, that at the end it is the best thing to do if you want to heal and move on.
When we got back together after a month, it was a mistake to do that so soon, the things we fought about before were not resolved. So now I feel that we have taken a step back and I think it will do us good. And as you said, I am just going to hang loose and see what happens. My ex tells to me relax and just see where things go and that's what I am going to do. If I meet a wonderful man tomorrow, I will give that a shot, but in the meanwhile, I see nothing wrong with being close to my ex and seeing what develops.
:: If I meet a wonderful man tomorrow, I will give that a shot, but in the meanwhile, I see nothing wrong with being close to my ex and seeing what develops
Until one door closes, another cannot open.
Carrie
Maybe so, but I go out with my friends several times a week and I meet new people weekly, so it is not like I am sitting at home thinking about my ex or trying to get him to come back to me. Yes, I do think about him a lot, but at the same time I am living my life the way it comes to me and if a wonderful man comes my way today, I will give it a chance. I am putting myself out there and not hesitating. I am not holding myself back just because I feel that I might get back together with my ex, whatever happens happens with my ex and what doesn't happen just wasn't meant to be. I just have not come across anyone I would want to have a relationship with at this time.
I just need to know what you all think about his mixed signals. Also, last week he went to see somebody for a drink and he felt it necessary to explain to me that it was a female friend, but yes, she is married. I never even asked for an explanation of who he was seeing that night. Also, when I told him I was coming down to the city to meet with friends for drinks after work, he kept on saying "you better get going now, you have date tonight" and "don't let your date wait for you while you are speaking to me" and "have fun on your date". I was actually going to go see my friends for drinks, just found it amusing how he was trying to find out whether I was going on a date and said nothing.
Carrie
I am just so lost with this whole situation. The signals he sends me when we're together indicates one thing but he says something else!!!
For example, he has introduced me to several of his co-workers, even his manager when we were having a drink together some weeks ago. A few weeks later I met another one of his co-workers. I know I don't introduce friends to my co-workers, especially those of the opposite sex! Also, his interest in discussing the problems in our relationship also indicates to me he wants to work on it. He tells me to call him, kisses me on the forehead and lips very affectionately and now grabbed my hand. We don't see each other very often, once every 2 or 3 weeks has been the pattern. He has also said to me that let's just take it one day at a time, "see what happens in the weeks and months to come" so that's what i am doing.
This situation just makes me wonder, nothing else. I also feel that he wants to keep me hanging although he tells me to move on. Of course, like Is aid before, if my prince charming walks into my life tomorrow, i will go for it. So for now, I am just going to relax and see where life takes me and not stress too much. i think i have cried enough over this relationship that it has left me empty.