So Many Emotions
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| Mon, 03-05-2007 - 11:25pm |
Hi All,
This is just a note to vent and seek any insights. I've read and re-read Steven Carter's He's Scared/She's Scared and see in this a drifting dynamic of active/passive Commitmenphobes. I'd been passive and active in the past. Now after several years of healing from a previous CP relationship I'm starting to question whether my behaviour was CP or self-protective.
This was my first big relationship since my divorce which was finalized in 2003. That marriage ended because my ex-wife had pushed for children but she was older by 4 years (40 at that time) and despite efforts it didn't happen. She became more withdrawn, perhaps depressed, angry at me, hostile and it pushed me away. Eventually I asked for a separation because living with her became too difficult. She confessed to me that part of the reason for all this moodiness was that years prior she'd had an affair with a co-worker who was married. She'd gotten pregnant, he bolted, she had an abortion and the guilt and hurt associated with that must have spilled over. We never did reconcile and she remarried 6 months after our year-long separation and divorce finalization.
When I started dating my last gf, we'd known each other for 2 years and were friends. We started going out and I wanted to go slow. Within a few dates she was coming on strong. She was talking about a desire for marriage and kids. We didn't have sex because we wanted to wait. We grew closer and 4 months later she confessed she loved me. I was shocked. It appeared to fit the coming on strong pattern of a CP. I told her I needed time. I liked going out with her but didn't want marriage or kids. Then in Feb 2006 she broke up with me for the first of several times. We never really let go and continued to see each other and were a priority in each others' lives.
We had great times. But parts of her behaviour were flakey. The push-pull thing about her "needs" being "marriage" never took into account my "needs" of wanting to continue. Maybe I didn't communicate it, maybe I was too self-protective, maybe I sent out the wrong signals but in November we broke up. Again a 'soft' break up. We just stopped dating but continued to see each other and worked together on a project, she got me gifts, we talked several times a week. We lead separate but very connected lives. I really liked to see this independence. She seemed stronger, not so needy and desperate.
Then on the 22nd she told me casually that she was dating someone new, it was "serious" and it seemed she was flaunting it telling me the differences between me and "him"---"We don't have the same history of friendship as you and I etc etc". She sent emails praising our "chemistry" but rubbing in my face that I didn't want to marry her.
Emails were exchanged. I offered an explanation for my behaviours but she seemed to seize on the fact I'd said I didn't fully trust her because of her rocky relationship history and wanted to continue but not break up
Anyway, our last email was over the weekend. I said that she didn't appear to be listening to anything I'd written so I would stop. I needed someone who understood my past and was willing to accept it not run off all the time seeking some fantasy guy. (I know...I shouldn't have written this, but it was a way of expressing myself).
This is the story. Many of you have responded and I appreciate that. I'm writing to vent. I'm feeling guilty, wondering if I pushed her away. Wondering whether I was right to hold back. Wondering if she truly displayed CP tendencies that I should have been wary of...The fact that she ran off to another guy 2 months after our last split and just days after she gave me a gift and we chatted confuses me. The tone of her emails shifted from almost gushing appraisal of us to an angry backlash that I didn't want to marry her leaving her with no choice. This to me doesn't seem to be a truly loving person. But then again maybe I wasn't totally open. But then again maybe if I'd been more open and accepting. But then again, given her rocky relationship history and moodiness would anything have worked.
I know many of you feel these things. Thanks for listening.

Well, yeah, of course you pushed her away--you broke up with her!! So I'm still not really understanding why you feel it was so wrong of her to go out and find someone new. What did you expect her to do? That's what you DO after someone breaks up with you! You may have thought that it wasn't a real breakup but she apparently did think it was for real. And you *didn't* want to marry her, so why is it wrong that she's pointing that out? It's the truth.
You can give friends (even friends who are exes) gifts and not have it mean anything other than you're getting a friend a gift, so I don't see what her getting you a gift has to do with anything. If you read something other than friendship into it, then that's on you.
If you wanted something other than to be broken up and to be platonic friends with her, you should have shared that secret agenda with her. You didn't, so she behaved like anyone would after being broken up with. Yet you seem angry with her for behaving that way. I think you need to recognize that you had unrealistic expectations about your so-called "friendship" following the breakup and that's why you're upset, but that's not her fault--you chose to put yourself in that position and have those expectations.
Can you recognize that that was not a great choice for you to have made in 20/20 hindsight and why you might have made it, so you can avoid this type of situation in the future?
If I've misunderstood the situation between the two of you following your breakup (especially the extent to which you communcated with her that you didn't feel the two of you were really broken up after all), I apologize and please clarify if so, but I really don't think she's done anything wrong here.
Sheri
Hi Sheri,
I think I've characterized it correctly. Your reading of it provides me with insights. Perhaps I'm hurt because I wanted things to be different and they weren't. Now there's a hole in my life. I'm saddened by it. There's now a hole in my life, I've lost a friend and am feeling at loose ends. I guess it's hit home how much she meant to me and what a big role she played in my life and I don't know what to do about it except move on. Would reaching out to her be a good idea? What should I say? I'm just afraid of being rejected if I do.
Hi,
There are a lot of things in your post and you`re not asking for anything specific, so here are my thoughts/questions.
I don`t understand why a woman who wanted to have a family/kids is a commitmentphobe ? Why if you were friends for 2 years and then after a few months of dating, it`s weird that she said she loved you. In 2 years, she could have developped feelings for you...
Unless I don`t understand something, you seemed like one of these couples who loved each other but didn`t have the same goals.
You say that she doesn`t seem like a truly loving person because she didn`t take into account your needs, but neither did you ? And what were you needs again ? Just going out and have fun with her ? And she doesn`t seem like a truly loving person because she sends you mixed angry and nice emails, well I can understand that, if she has feelings for you but hurt and dissapointed that you didn`t want to take the relationship further (or at least that`s what she thinks)...when people are hurt they are not always very logical...
You knew each other as friends for 2 years, then went out for 1 year I think and you still were not ready to commit ? A lot of women would start feeling insecure about your feelings for her, I think...If she was really into having family, I can understand that she was breaking up with you, I think she was right. Again, may be I don`t understand something...And why did you even continue `being priority` in each other`s lives after the breakups ?
Now you`re questioning yourself about being open ? What did you even want from that relationship ? What kind of future did you see with her ? Or you just wanted to continue having fun with her without commitment ? If that`s what you wanted and you told her that, then there`s nothing more to question yourself. You were honest with her and based on that, she chose to continue looking for a man who`d want to have a family.
Also you put a lot of labels on her. Why didn`t you want to breakup with her then ? If you had so many doubts about her, why the questioning now ? You seem to blame her for a lot of things, you should understand that when you do that people get on the defensive, may be that`s why your communication doesn`t seem to work...
In any case, if she`s dating someone, you should stop overanalysing your relationship with her and let her be. You don`t want to give her what she wants and she doesn`t give you the freedom you want, so what`s the point ? Try to understand what is it that you want from a relationship and search for a woman who thinks the same.
Hi Sireanita,
Thanks for the input. I appreciate this. Yes, we had different goals and were at different points in our life. My feelings are my feelings and now that I've had time to think about it all, I feel a sense of loss. I never gave myself that opportunity because we had stayed in touch and remained so close. I guess I was in a kind of denial and the idea that she's now gone has hit me. Whether that's right or wrong, it's the way I feel right now.
No, you need to move on. You can reconnect as friends when the thought of hearing about whatever guy she's dating when you contact her doesn't hurt at all. I'm now friends with several exes but it took a period of no contact to get there.
Sheri
You're welcome--but I'm sorry you have to go through this, it's no fun dealing with this delayed pain (I've been there as I just posted to memphisstars--tried to be "friends" with an ex for 2 years before seeing the light and breaking off contact for a year--but we are friends now, I never thought I'd see the day).
Sheri
I would agree--I almost wrote that in my post to you last night but decided to focus on just one issue at a time ;-).
Sheri