So many ups and downs
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| Wed, 12-13-2006 - 10:02pm |
I thought that feeling depressed about breaking up with my boyfriend was the worst feeling but I think the ups and downs with my mood since then have been even worse. It's been about 3 weeks and for the first week I just felt so sad and lonely but now it just goes back and forth.
Every now and then I feel really good, it usually only lasts for like an hour or so but I feel like things are going to be okay, if not better, without him. I saw him the other day and I acted like everything was fine (which was a first) and I felt good afterwards because it was like a little milestone for me, as silly as that sounds. I didn't feel fine but I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that.
But when it's bad, it's really bad. Like today, it was my day off from work but I'm going through finals at school so I have to be on the computer all day to write papers. Usually when I do talk to him, it's through an instant messenger. He's still on my buddy list and I noticed that he wasn't signed in all day, which he always is, and it has just been driving me crazy wondering what he's doing. He has a new girlfriend (yes, already) and he's on vacation so he said she'd be at his house the entire time. So I know that he's either out somewhere with her or there together - I can't stand the way it makes me feel. I feel like it's just tearing me up inside, thinking about what they're doing together.

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Hey-
I’m so sorry….I can totally relate. I was such a mess after I left my ex. I had mostly down times…crying everyday. I am now marking the third day I haven’t cried, which is really huge for me. I guess its beginning to get a little better.
What you are going through is totally normal. I know, I know it may not comforting, but take baby steps. It’s not silly to mark the slightest milestones- whatever works for YOU. I am glad to hear that you are beginning to feel a bit better, give yourself mad props for that.
Definitely take him off the IM buddy list…don’t torture yourself with it in front of you. Don’t give yourself the opportunity to be tempted to communicate with him.
When you are feeling bad (and I know, when its bad its bad)….focus on you and what would make you feel better. Get a mantra- like “I will be ok” or something else that you can repeat that is calming. And who cares what he’s doing! You deserve better, not somebody who would treat you the way he has. It’s HIS loss…remember that. ;)
Hang in there… it will get better. Things will even out and soon you’ll be able to count more ups than downs.
Three weeks is not a long time after a break up and the ups and downs you are going through are very normal. My ex dumped me 6 months ago and I still have some ups and downs. Take him off IM and try your best to not get any information about what he is doing or who he is with. After a break up, it is best to not know then to know what the ex is doing (besides who cares). These are some of the things I did right after my break up and it helped a lot:
Deleted his number from my cell phone
Threw away his address and where he worked
Pawned the jewerly he gave me
Threw away everthing else he gave me except the office desk and chair he gave me (those are a necessaity)
Ended contact with our mutual friends (that was painful but necessary for my healing)
Don't go within a 5 mile radius of his house
He doesn't have a computer so I didn't have to worry about email or IM
MOST IMPORTANT - NO CONTACT what so ever
I wish you the best during this painful time but you will heal and life will get better.
I know that I should delete him from my buddy list, but I just can't seem to do it. We dated for 7 years and lived together for 5 - it's just so hard to go from spending all of my time with him to pretending like he doesn't even exist. Honestly, sometimes it just seems impossible.
Although we had some trouble communicating, he still knew more about me than any other person and when I had trouble with something, he was the first and usually the only person I told. And now I'm going through the hardest thing yet and the one person that I want to run to is him, as stupid as that sounds. I mean, I'm angry about what he did but I still love him and I still want to be with him. I feel so pathetic - he broke up with me, told me it was over and didn't want to be with me, and already has another girlfriend, yet all I can think about is him. I don't think that I'm anything that great - but how can he just throw away all of the little things that we did together so easily? Sometimes when I feel really hopeless about it I just want to gather all of our pictures, all of our little souveneirs, movie ticket stubs. etc into a box and mail it to his house hoping that he'll see it and come to his senses. I've even thought of making a mixed tape with the music that we used to listen to. I just can't accept that he doesn't love me anymore. I keep thinking that it must be some sort of phase that he's going through and I don't want to move on because I want to be here when he's ready for me again. I can only imagine how pathetic I sound - I know I must because it even sounds rather pathetic to me. Before this happened, if I had heard another girl talking about a guy this way I would think that she's just being silly and needs to get her priorities straight. I wish I didn't but I know now how unreasonable that is. I've always been a little bit of a feminist inside who thought that women didn't really NEED men - I feel now that he's really put me in my place and I'm irritated with myself for letting that happen. I'm probably just way too naive - somehow I think he's different and what we have together is different and it's impossible for us not to end up back together, even though he shows no interest in me whatsoever and seems happier without me. It seems impossible to me that he and I were in the same relationship and I feel like I've hit rock bottom and am completely hopeless while he's out with his new girlfriend, doing things that we never even did, and showing no sign of missing me at all. I mean, he had no period of "mourning" at all - he started dating her like two days before we even officially broke up. I just can't believe that men, especially him, who I thought I knew so well, could possibly be that cold hearted.
Sorry.. I just needed to get that out. Thanks for listening. About the buddy list thing, while I can't seem to bring myself to delete him from it, I did decide not to stay logged into so I don't have to keep checking to see whether he's on yet or not. That's a compromise, right?
Wow you sound completely like me. I posted my story a couple of days ago. I pasted it so you can see how similiar our stories are and i know exactly what you are going through.
i am 23 and was in a 8yr realationship with who i thought was the love of my life. He never cheated on me (or at least i dont know about it) and he didnt leave me (i dont think for someone else) i think he was just scared. We had planned our life together and even though the last couple of months we argued constantly i didnt think he would have ended it telling me he didnt know what he wanted. This was a couple of weeks ago and i cant seem to think i have a life after this. He was all i knew and can not picture myself with anyone else. He was my love and just left me. Talk about feeling rejected, i am just wondering how will i ever get through this. I cant see life without him and i keep blaming myself for all the wrong in our relationship. How do you move on and continue life when i feel it has been taken from me. The holidays are coming and i have two weeks before i receive my bachelors degree and i dont even think all this matters to me. I want him back so bad but i cant get hurt by someone who is not sure what he wants. Everyone tells me yes i will find someone else and maybe we just werent meant to be but HOW are we suppose to move on when you plan your whole future with this person?
All i think about are the good times all the stuff i miss about him and only if i had another chance i would make it perfect. I really jst want to make this horrible everlasting pain of my life is over just go away.
I dread the day he is with someone else i will be devastated and think i will die. Although, i feel like my insides have already died.
I was very close to his family and cant imagine not being around them anymore. I feel like i will never love again and get that happy loving marriage i have always dreamed about.
I just want my pain and these awful thoughts to go away. Honestly this truly sucks.
How to i stop feeling all this hurt and pick up the pieces to move on?
Oh hang in there chicka! I'm sorry you're having a bad night. You're not pathetic, remember,its really important to be kind to yourself right now. Believe that you are great, you deserve someone who will truly be your best friend...Not treat you like he has treated you.
Its good to vent all those feelings. Pick up the phone and call a friend or family member for support.
And turning off IM is a good step forward. =) Good for you.
Take care of yourself
Our situations are definitely alike. I'm sorry that you are going through it at as well but it's somehow helpful to know that I'm not the only one - especially with the same circumstances.
I don't think that I posted my age but I'm 22 so I was with my boyfriend from a rather young age too which I think is probably why it is so difficult. I thought we were going to get married - he hadn't proposed yet but we were together for so long and we had talked about it so I always kind of thought of us as being engaged/married. I planned my entire life around US. I can't even imagine being with another guy. I feel like he's the only guy that could be attracted to me physically or to my personality. And like you, I just feel like my whole life has ended and there's nothing left of me without him.
I can also relate to how you feel with school - I'm not graduating yet but I have finals this week and I have absolutely no motivation to even study for them. I know how important they are but I can't even focus on it for five minutes without feeling down again. I've all but given up on them and I don't really care much anymore.
I'm sorry that I don't have much advice to offer but I hope it helps you also to know you're not alone in how you feel. Honestly, I know how it feels - it sucks really, really bad.
BTW, congratulations on your graduation.. that's a great accomplishment.
i'm sorry to hear you are going through this, and at such a milestone in your life, graduating, so congrats on that. now is the time where have the opportunity, and the skills, to do anything you want. don't ever forget that. i know how difficult a breakup is, especially one of this magnitude. i know that you think think that he is 'the only one', and can't see yourself with anyone else. but i promise you it is something you can work through...
i don't know how much this will help, but i thought i'd offer some advice. i'm a little over 5 years out of college and i, too, had a relationship in college that i thought was 'the one'. now having had another long term relationship since (the one that brought me here, unfortunately) and having changed SO MUCH since college, i can tell you that i cannot even IMAGINE myself with that person i was with then. we definitely loved eachother and i can't imagine not meeting and being with him, it taught me so much about relationships, what i want out of a partner, etc. but i am a different person now and so is he. i don't know about you, but the time between high school and college i changed SO much and i think i changed equally as much if not more between graduating and now. your 20's are a time of growth, where you are learning about who you are and what your needs and wants are. i have several friends who got married at 22 or 23 and unfortunately, many of them are now unhappy and/or divorced. so be careful what you wish for. now don't get me wrong--that's not to say that relationships based at such a young age can't work, because they can and they do--however if this is ending up this way you have to resign yourself to the fact that there is something better in store for you. don't ever forget that, because it is true. you deserve it. i know it's hard to hear and that the unknown is so difficult, i am struggling with it myself. but believe in 'everything happens for a reason'. because it does. think of another time in your life where you things didn't turn out exactly how you planned--i bet (after some heartache possibly) they turned out as good if not better. good luck...
I'm in a similar situation... just about three weeks out. Decided this week to enforce the no contact thing because it was just hard talking to him and not feeling the love. I still have him on my buddylist too, and when he's idle, I wonder what he's doing and with who. It's wondering what he's doing that drives me bonkers. I did take him off a few times, but my curiosity gets the better of me and I put him back on. It's such a terrible feeling - feeling like you're not in control of yourself. But I know with time, I'll succeed in getting past this part. And as someone else said, who cares what he's doing? He could have a wild orgy and it's really none of my business (although honestly, that bothers me less than the idea that he's already madly in love with someone else).
Me and my ex weren't together as long as you were with your ex, but it was still a good chunk of time (a year). He acts like he's completely over it and has moved on. This. Drives. Me. Crazy. But I also know that it's probably for the best. If he begged to come back, in my weakness & foolish love for him, I would probably take him back. So at least this way, there's no chance of us getting back together again (because I tried to fix it once, and he rejected me, and once was enough thanks). But like you said... it really makes me wonder if we were in the same relationship! Why is it such a struggle for me and not for him? Was he not as in love with me? Am I just more emotional? Bleh... I guess ultimately it doesn't matter. It's over, it's over, it's over.
So at this point, it's all about picking up the pieces and moving on. It's hard. There's definite ups and downs. There are hours (!) where I actually think, "Hey! This isn't so bad. And now I get to see other guys." But then a few hours later I'll start crying uncontrollably. It's bizarre. The thing that keeps me going is the thought that there is a guy out there for me. It obviously wasn't my ex. There's only going to be one (hopefully). And you have to go through some wrong guys (and the accompanying break-ups) to get to the right one.
It's grief.
Susan
"Success is building a foundation wit
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