So painful...completely heartbroken

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
So painful...completely heartbroken
4
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 12:07pm
I am absolutely devestated. My boyfriend and I were together for 5 and a half years, and we broke up last night. It was mutual but that doesn't mean it was any less painful. I think the fact that we're still in love with each other makes it even more awful. Here's the story: We met in college, when I was a freshman and he was a junior, and then we stayed together when he moved back to his hometown and I finished out my last two years of school. He got this fabulous job that he loves (high school teacher and varsity bball and football coach), and then when I graduated from college I moved back to my hometown and got this so-so job that I'm satisfied with for now. The thing is that our hometowns are very different; his is a small, rural town, not a lot to do, very close knit family who all lives in this same town; mine is in the heart of the suburbs where there's always something fun to do (and I feel offers a lot more opportunity), and I too am pretty close with my family. We had a storybook romance, and even though things got harder once we were long distance, we continued to have a wonderful, fulfilling relationship. We always talked about how we wanted to get married and we were the one for each other, and we talked about the kids we were going to have, and even the saltwater fishtank and big screen TV we were going to put in our house. Problem is, I never wanted to move from where I have everything I could possibly want at my fingertips since I'm in the suburbs, to somewhere where you have to drive 45 minutes to an hour just to go out to dinner or go shopping, or something like that. It's a much different way of life there. We always said it was going to work itself out and we'd end up together in the same town in order to start our life together. However recently we've been talking a lot more seriously about our future and he said that he thinks that he'd adapt better if he moved to where I am than if I moved to where he is. But he said that he doesn't know if he wants to do that, and he's at a turning point in his job where he either needs to decide to stay for good, or leave. So this weekend he came to see me and we had the most fun time just bumming around and watching the NCAA Tournament. But then yesterday we starting talking about our future and how it wasn't fair to either of us just to wait and not really know if it was ever going to really work out, and he said, "I just don't see how it's going to work. I'm not ready to give up my job and my whole lifestyle. I love you and you are certain to me, but if I leave this job that I love and take another job up there, it's not a certainty that I'm going to be happy in my job." And I asked if he couldn't just decide that he was going to leave his job in two years and get as much as he can from that job in those two years, and then move on. He said that sure he could say that, but at the end of those two years how do we know he's really going to feel that way. We ended up deciding that we had to break up. We spent the next four hours crying and hugging each other and telling each other we love each other. The part of the break up that was actually nice was that we told each other everything that we loved about the other and what wonderful people the other one is, and we reminisced about our relationship. We just hugged each other so tight and neither of us wanted to let go. Eventually we had to, and he said, "Who knows, maybe in a few weeks I'll realize that I can't live without you, and I'll have to make some drastic changes." I know I shouldn't, but I'm banking on that happening. I just want him back in my life, it's not even 24 hours old and I miss him so much. I can't even remember how it feels to be held in his arms and to kiss him. I think it's in some ways so much harder to walk out of each other's lives saying "I love you with all my heart, and I don't want to leave you." I don't know what to do. thank god today was my day off at work, I don't know how I'd make it through the day. I don't know how I'm going to go to work tomorrow and face the day and at 7:22 in the morning when we usually call each other to say good morning and I love you, how in the world am I just going to let that time pass and just not let it bother me? How do I do this?? This is so awful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 12:56pm

trk45...

Pianoguy understands the pain (and heartbreak) you're currently going through. .

But ALL CHANGES require the relinquishing of the familiar with the hope that SOMETHING BETTER IS AHEAD?

There are NO GUARANTEES that a different location, different job, or anything out of the ordinary will make your life better? You have to decide if the overall 'gamble' is worth the risk.

Why not encourage your b/f to make the necessary changes that he obviously feels are necessary at this time? Meanwhile...you can continue with your current job and living arrangements? Eventually...one of two things will probably happen:

1. Your b/f will become a tremendous success and will want you to share that success with you? This means you'll have to move out of your current location in order to be closer to him?

OR

2. He'll discover that "the grass WASN'T as green" as he expected it to be...and will end up returning to you...and to the familiar?

Making plans for the future is a wonderful idea, but flexibility (on both sides) is more realistic and overall...a better way to keep a relationship....SOLID (and hopefully, everlasting)!

Just my 2 cents...

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 8:19pm
Thank you pianoguy. It makes it a little better that others understand what I'm feeling. I'm hoping so much that in the end things just work out and he comes back to me. I'm trying to get over it, but at the same time I'm holding on to the hope that we end up together. I talked to him yesterday and he even said, "Who knows, maybe we just need some time apart from each other to realize how much we need each other." And I made sure with him that he wasn's just saying that because that's what I wanted to hear. I'm holding on to that even though I know I shouldn't bank on that. But I just want to be with him so bad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2006
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 11:46am

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this pain. I know how unbearable it is, since I'm fresh off of a three-year relationship break-up myself.

How far apart are you two living right now? Isn't there any place within a reasonable distance of his job where you could both move so you could be together? I definitely think you have to respect each other's needs, but it also seems like this is a situation where if there were any possibility of compromise you could save the relationship. Have you really explored all of your options?

If you really feel that you have, then just take this one day at a time. It will get better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 8:46pm
We are living two hours apart, about 130 miles, which is why it makes me so angry. He's acting like we're talking about a move across the country when we're really talking about a move a couple hours away. What really makes me so upset and so sad is that we love each other so much, and we both want to spend the rest of our lives together, but he's being so narrow-minded and is unable to leave his comfort zone. and because he is unable to leave his comfort zone of the town where he's been raised and is afraid to move on to bigger and better opportunities and he jsut wants to hang on to the job he has, neither of us is able to spend our lives together. IT'S SO STUPID THAT WE'VE BOTH FOUND THE PERSON THAT WE LOVE AND WANT TO BE WITH FOREVER, YET WE HAVE TO KEEP LOOKING FOR SOMEONE ELSE. That makes me so sad. I was done looking for someone to spend my life with, I'd found him, and vice versa, and he's told me that...so what the heck??