So sad...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
So sad...
1
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 1:57pm
Hi everyone.....I started dating my boyfriend in May and it was a super whirlwind romance. We moved in together after three months and he treated me like a princess. We have a large age difference...he's 36 and I'm 22. Therefore, he has more of a past than me (an ex-wife and three year old son)....he got divorced last year (August). Well things were going along beautifully, but then we started having discussions about some realistic situations (raising his son, dealing with his ex)...which I guess made him realize that he still has a lot of problems he needs to deal with from the past. He thought the best way to deal with it was for him to be living by himself and sorting some of it out on his own. He says he still loves me to death and would love to "end up" with me, but he needs to take this time to be by himself more and sort things out if it'll ever work. He says we can't continue building our relationship if the foundation has cracks in it. He still wants to go on dates and just try to take the relationship back quite a few notches. I just keep calling him all the time and he keeps trying to explain to me that is just going to make the situation worse, not better. He says "If we don't talk for three days, it's okay, it's not like I don't love you...I just need some time." I'm such an obsessive person...I just want to call him and talk with him like we used to (literally 15 times a day!). I don't want to be pathetic and REALLY want to be strong, but I just don't know how to get my mind off of it. I cry in the morning, afternoon, evening....and my relationship isn't necessarily over! Any advice??? Thanks!
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: geminigirl599
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 2:36pm
I'm sorry if I come across as harsh, but this doesn't sound good at all. The age difference has nothing to do with it. His past has nothing to do with it. It just sounds like you went too far too fast and he got scared. That's pretty common. HOWEVER, most people manage to be able to deal with their fear and still hold on to the relationship. I think the way you're acting is perfectly normal. You were close to him and you want to maintain that closeness. He's pulling away so you feel clingy.

You're young. When I was 22 I was also involved with a 36-year-old. He did the same distancing thing, and it just drove me crazy. At the time I thought there was no one in the world for me; I thought he was the one for me. Looking back on it, I'm glad I didn't get stuck with him. I guess what I'm trying to say is if at all possible, save yourself some heartache and leave this man now. Make a clean break of it.

It sounds to me like he's not sure about the relationship, and that's why he's distancing himself. You really don't deserve to be treated that way. If I were you -- and of course it's easy for me to say this because I'm not you -- I would tell him what you expect from your relationship. I would tell him that after being together for nearly six months that not speaking for three days is just unacceptable to you. Then I would break up with him. But that's just me.

You could also tell him you're going to see other people, then do it if you can. (I've never been very good at that myself ... )

I still get the feeling that breaking up would be the best way to go on this one because these problems that he feel he needs to resolve may just take years and years for him to work out and you don't want to be feeling like this for years and years, do you? You deserve someone who is available to be with you and who won't abandon you after six months.