So sad...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
So sad...
4
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 10:06pm
Hello... need some advice on how to cope with my situation. My fiance broke up with me about a month ago through an email. THere was no explanation whatsoever--the day before he said he loved me, he missed me (we were long-distance) and we were making wedding plans. Then out of the blue he stops calling me and won't even return my calls, it was so weird and so not like him. Then I get "the email." He said he didn't feel like we were right anymore and I'm not what he was looking for. THis is within a day. I don't get it!!! He hasn't talked to me or contacted me since then, and I haven't tried to talk to him. But I'm still so sad and confused and I miss him so bad. We had so much together and our breakup made no sense. I keep thinking that any day now he'll call me and say he misses me, he wants me back, etc. I don't understand what happened and I'm going crazy!! Any thoughts on how to deal with this??
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jayesoh
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 11:18pm
Wow. I'm so that this happened to you. What a terrible situation to be in. You must feel so distraught. I'm amazed that you haven't tried to contact him to figure out what might be going on. How long had you been together?

I broke up with my boyfriend nearly three weeks ago. We had been talking about getting engaged in October. So I know how you feel, one day they're saying they miss you and love you and the next they're gone. It's very weird.

As for how to cope, you've been apart for a month now so you're probably doing better, no? Try to keep busy, go out with friends, do activities you like, do nice things for yourself. If you've ever been in counseling, now might be a good time to go back. If you haven't been, now might be a good time to start. If you're religious, pray. If not, meditate or exercise.

Sounds like a traumatic experience, mostly because you just have no idea why he did it. A lot of people on this board are in similar situations so I'm sure others will have lots of advice and good wishes for you. Hang in there.

Hugs,

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
In reply to: jayesoh
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 12:20pm
It's so hard to understand how this can happen to so many people. Like you, I was in a loving relationship (1 1/2 years) with the man I thougth I would spend my life with. We talked of marriage, spent time with each other's families and had what seemed to be a perfect relationship. One month ago, out of the blue, he told me that he wasn't sure we were right together and that he needed time for some clarity. I granted him time but after a few weeks when it seemed that he was doing nothing to gain "clarity" I told him that I deserved to be with someone who doesn't have doubts and ended it. It was extremely painful but empowering at the same time.

Did you reply to his email? I want so badly for you to be able to get some type of closure because that will really help you start the healing process. I understand that you are hopeful that he will come to his senses and come crawling back to you... and that could be what happens. In the mean time, however, you need to build your strength and regain your inner power so you can have a clear mind and heart. If the day does come where he is asking for your forgiveness you will be in a better place to decide if that's what you really want and deserve. If that day doesn't come then you will be on your way to becoming whole again. Believe me, I pray daily that my ex will come to his senses and realize that I'm the woman of his dreams - but I'm also working on myself daily and with each day that passes I am realizing that I am deserving of so much more. I promise, you will get there.

Some things that have made me feel better:

1. Spending time with friends

2. When I feel like crying and being consumed by my sadness I crawl into bed and just let it take over. There is no shame in crying until you can barely utter another sound. In fact, it's really therapeutic.

3. Doing nice things for myself - last night I went and spent way too much money on a haircut and highlights. It really did make me feel better.

4. Go get a mystic tan (spray on tan). When you look better you do feel better.

5. Reach out - coming to these message boards gives you an outlet & a support network. Although friends and family are amazing and supportive there is something comforting in knowing you aren't the only one going through this gut wrenching pain.

My sister gave me an amazing book that has really comforted me during this time. It's called "Mending Broken Hearts" by Adele Wilcox. I highly recommend reading this - it's a book of meditations for finding peace and hope after heartbreak.

All my best to you - we will all get through this.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
In reply to: jayesoh
Sun, 10-03-2004 - 5:19pm
I am so sorry to hear what happened to you. I am in slow recovery from a 4+ year relationship that I was 90 percent sure would end in marriage. While I didn't get an e-mail ending it (how terrible that must have felt!!), I got the line that once he thought about it, he realized that at no point during our relationship did he feel like marrying me. So he figured it should end.

The realization that he and I were experiencing alternate realities in our relationship has been one of the hardest things for me to work through. It sounds a bit like that is what might be going on with you as well. The only comfort I can offer is this fact: as more time passes from our breakup, I slowly begin to realize that the fact that he saw our relationship so differently from me would have implied a terrible marriage and a terrible attempt at life together. At first I thought he just needed some time to come to his senses. But each passing week solidifies just how serious he was about his lack of feeling, and each passing week thus also solidifies just how wrong he would have been for me.

None of this is easy, I know. I couldn't believe I could ever start to feel better, but time really does help (I'm now going on about 6 weeks). I am also glad for you that you won't have to settle for someone who is clearly so unstable as he is. Have faith that there really is someone better out there for you.

Phoenix848

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
In reply to: jayesoh
Sun, 10-03-2004 - 11:07pm
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do but wait.

And hope.

My boyfriend (well, guess he's an ex now...broke up with me today) didn't talk to me for days after our breakup...but your worst part is you don't know why. And thinking of that kills you, I know. You just want answers, and now.

They will come sooner or later. Unfortunately, you just have to live with the uncertainty for now and be good to yourself. It's hard. I'm so sorry for your pain. Try and keep yourself busy...

Pam