So sad and confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2005
So sad and confused
4
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 3:29pm

I am very confused about what to do about the future of my relationship. I am 24 and my boyfriend is 28. We are currently living in different cities, about 90 minutes apart from each other. We have been dating for about 14 months now.

We have had a lot of ups and downs. But the thing is I've been questioning myself on a daily basis for the last month to know if we should or shouldn't break up. And I still do not have an answer to that question. I am tired of the stress and anguish because I want to come up with a decision, but I want it to be the right one that I won't regret.

Our main problem is arguing. We have a lot of fun together but we also had a lot of arguments about all kinds of stuff. We are both very stubborn and we don't always understand each other's point of view even if we try very hard. The arguing has worsen in the past few months and we've hardly seen each other in the past few weeks. Yesterday was his birthday and I wanted us to have a good time. We did but today I had to tell him about how I've been questionning myself so much recently. We talked for hours and we cried a lot, especially me. I feel deep down that our relationship won't be lasting for too long now because the arguing isn't getting any better even if we always tell each other it will be our last one and we'll be careful the next time. He didn't realize how much this affected me but he tells me that it will get better and that he loves me sincerely.

I have to say that I do not doubt his love for me. It would be a lot easier if he didn't of course. He's also my best friend and I know that if we break up, I lose my boyfriend and my best friend at the same time. And I have to say that scares me bacause I don't have a lot of other close friends... I feel it would be very selfish of me to stay with him because I'm scared of feeling alone. But the fact is even if I'm pretty sure our relationship won't work out, I don't want him to disappear and never see him again but I also know that he won't compromise on that, we couldn't just be friends and I agree on that too.

If we lived closer apart, it wouldn't be this complicated. But now I have to decide if I stay where I am currently or if I move in with him. I have to make this crucial decision very soon because I have to sign another lease for my appartement. But if I don't sign the lease and we break up after that, I've got no place to live besides going back to my parents home.

He is convinced that we should give it another shot and now he understands stuff that he didn't before. He says that he will do whatever it takes to make me happy. And in a weird way that makes me sad because I don't want him to feel he has to change everything about him just to please me because I feel that it won't work in the long run...(I've expressed concerns about the fact that his only has a 20 hour/week job and that he is often short on money. He doesn't owe me money and he manages to get by but I would like him to be more career-ambitious.I need financial security especially after I've been in a bad relationship where the jerk wouldn't even bother getting a job to pay the rent)

I know that we could be happy if it werent for a couple of things. But now, after months of trying without real success, I feel a lot of pain and I'm very sad. I'm tired of trying and I don't want to be hurt once again. I am discouraged. He thinks I'm giving up too fast and we should continue to fight to save our relationship. I honestly do not know what to do but I don't want this to go on forever because he deserves to know if I want to break up or not.

I'm sorry for this very long post and I know there's a lot of stuff so it might be difficult to understand. If you have any questions, please ask and thank you so much for your help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2005
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 4:00pm
I'm sorry, I just realised that my message should have been posted in the other section of the board... (Still Mending)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 4:04pm

Hi meritamon,
I'm so sorry that you're in such a state of confusion right now. Sometimes it's hard to know what to do.

I don't think that it would be a good idea to move in with him right now. Things are so uncertain with your relationship and even though you might think that living together would solve all of your problems, you have to consider that it might make them worse. Have you thought about getting couples counseling? If both of you are willing to work on the relationship, a counselor might be able to help you resolve your problems--or might be able to help you come to the decision that it won't work. Of course, it would be harder since you are living 90 minutes apart, but if the relationship is worth working on, you could make it happen.

The fact that you're having a lot of doubts might be very telling. Can you really picture yourself with this guy long-term if he doesn't change some things? Is he willing to change them without resenting you for asking him to? There are a lot of questions that need to answered.

I hope that you can find the answers that you're looking for.

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2005
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 4:14pm

We wouldn't be moving in together before may or july but I know I have to take the decision before that. I got a job in my hometown, where he lives, last summer and we lived together for about 4 months. Before and after that, it's usually only on weekends (3 days a week on average, I'm in school doing my masters so I don't neddto go on campus a lot). The arguing wasn't better or worse because of us living together I think.

I actually said to him that I feared he would eventually resent me for asking him to change some things but he replied that he wouldn't because he is doing it because he loves me so much and he is willing to do anything to make me happy because that's the most important thing to him.

We've talked about conselling but, like you said, it is hard because of the distance and it is also expensive... they have free conselling at my college for the students but I don't think that it is intented to be for couples ( and he's not a student there)...

Thank you for your input.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2005
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 6:57pm

I am sorry that you're going through such a rough time, but hope that you can find support here.

Arguing is tough, and I think it depends on what kinds of things you're arguing over. I would look at whether you have the same basic values, and what you both want out of life. All relationships require compromise, but you don't want to change the core of yourself in the process.

I agree with the other poster, that planning to move in together right now doesn't seem like a good idea. It might make you feel more trapped to have made this decision. It is tough to determine what is a bump in the road, and what's a true obstacle.

People are here for you-