So very scared and confused...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
So very scared and confused...
1
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 12:23pm

Where to start? It feels like my life has just been completely shattered. I've been with my husband for 10 years and we have 3 amazing kids together. Here's my story (sorry if it's a little long).

We had been fighting off and on for about 2 weeks, nothing that wasn't solved relatively easily. Then this past Monday we had a big blow out and he said he needed some space to think and was going to stay at a friends for a couple of days. I went nuts while he was gone. All I could think about was how much I wanted him home and his absence was so hard on the kids. So Wednesday night he comes home, and drops the bombshell. He doesn't love me anymore. Apparently he's been feeling this way for almost a year, but he's been lying to himself and trying to convince himself that he still does. I don't know what to do, what to think. I find it so hard to believe that after so long he could just STOP loving me!! Falling out of love I could understand, but this? I NEVER saw this coming...I thought we were doing OK. We've had our rough patches like everyone else, but I honestly thought we were doing alright. Now here's the even harder part. He doesn't know what he wants. I asked him if we could somehow work this out...he doesn't know. Does he WANT to love me...he doesn't know. Does he want to leave me...he doesn't know. Every question I asked him he answered with "I don't know". He says he needs time and space to sort out his head, to figure out who he really is , what he wants and what's going to make him happy. But he is staying. He's sleeping on our rec room couch. He says he can't be away from the kids.

I don't know what to think. He's not the only one who needs to figure out what's going on in HIS head. He has said a lot of things to give me hope and I'm trying to focus on that but it's still so hard. He's told me that I'm still his best friend, that he finds it difficult to imagine a future without me, and he promised that he wouldn't give up on me.
He has taken off his wedding ring, but hasn't put it away...he's carying it on his keychain. He still hugs me, kisses me on the forehead, tries to be sypmathetic when I get upset, still acts like he's concerned about me. But at the same time he's so distant. I know how his mind works and I know he thinks he needs to figure this out on his own. I'm so afraid that anything I try to do will just push him away further. I want to explain to him everything this is doing to me, but I know that it's not going to help with his confusion, only add to it.

I'm getting all the support I can. Talking to all my friends, My mom, A therapist and even HIS mom, who is in as much shock as I am. The popular opinion seems to be that he's very depressed and needs help(even my therapist said this) and that he does still love me somewhere, but that he's lost sight of it. Loving him is all I can think about. I have loved this man with everything that I have and everything that I am for 10 years, and have realized in the past couple of days that this love is no longer just a feeling no longer just an emotion. It has become something that is THERE no matter what. But right now I can't share this with him. I still tell him I love him. I understand that it makes him uncomfortable, but he understands that I can't not tell him. And I think now more than ever it's important that he know exactly how much he does mean to me.

I'm trying to take care of myself, but that's hard too. I know I need to in order to be there for my kids. But I can't eat, even the smell of food makes me nauseous. I haven't slept more than a couple of hours in days ( I've never slept well without him beside me) and to top it all off I'm having horrible panic attacks. I woke up this morning (after 3 hours sleep) having such a huge drawn out panic attack that I actually had to go downstairs and get HIM to calm me down. I sat there with him for 45 MINUTES with my whole body shaking, my heart feeling like it was going to pound it's way right out of my chest, just sobbing. My doctor has put me on anti depressants and my therapist has recomended additional medication for my anxiety. I know I'm taking care of myself the best that I can right now, but it still feels like I'm just falling apart mentally, emotionally and physically.

I have to hope that this will work out. The alternative is unimaginable to me. I just hope that he gives this a chance. I think we owe it to ourselves and our children to do everything we can to make this work. We both come from divorced families and have both always said that if we loved each other enough to get married and we loved each other enough to have kids, then we have to love each other enough to work through anything. I know that neither one of us wants to put our kids through what we went through.

I suppose I'll stop there. Just writing this has been emotionally exhausting. I'm sorry if my thoughts seem a little scrambled, but even I'm having trouble finding a logical order to them. My thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this. Any advice, opinions and ideas would be greatly appreciated.

Ana

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 2:39pm

Wow, this must be so stressful and sad for you!

I think it's totally unfair of him to leave you hanging like this. I'd give him a choice: either he goes to marriage counseling with you and makes a commitment to work on the marriage to see if things can be resolved, or he moves out.

Sheri