Some advice Needed
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| Tue, 06-20-2006 - 5:31pm |
Just a quick synposis of what has been going on with me and suggestions as i feel flustered not knowing what to do n i need to make a decision before my next visit with my counsellor.
Its been 4 and a half months since my ex and i broke up (it was a long distance breakup after 4 yrs together) but its also been a month since we haven't talked at all. I had lived with him for 4 months prior to moving to start grad school and when i left i left behind personal belongings for when i visited and also i left behind 2-3 plastic rubbermaid storage containers with books, photos n all that jazz. He said he'll keep it until i figure out what i'll do to get it....a friend of mines has to go to toronto (ex is in waterloo an hour away) and asked if i'll drive with him (its a 16 hour drive i get some company n emotional support if i need it and my things) but now that the opportunity is here i'm scared and i don't know what to do
The truth is i know i still love my ex (and i do miss his friendship and his presence in my life) and i think he still loves me and this was just as painful a process for me as it was for him....but at the same time i felt like he was unfair to me in how thigns eneded and how he acted. So though i know by going there i'm really acknowledging the finality of things and saying ok i have to move on what was no longer is, i don't know if i can keep my cool when i see him, be a blank slate and not say mean or hurtful things. More so i don't know how he'll react to me. Though i know how i want this encounter to be in my head i know it'll probably never be that way.
So big question....do i go and be brave and get that final closure and goodbye or do i become chicken-sh*t and say i'm busy with research and tell my friend i cannot go with him? And if i do go how to i put myself in a position so i'm not hurt or angry about thing thereby letting emotions get the best of me? I really just want it to be civil but i also know i'll always care about this person but i know i cannot let him know those things.
Any suggestion is appreciated. Thanks.

Me personally,
Closure in in your mind, it doesn't come from officially seeing the person and saying it.
And it isn't being chicken to stay away from him, it's necessary and strong. Why do your imagine that things will be officially ended if you go and keep seeing him? It rather sounds as if you want him to change his mind if you are still in his sight.
Isn't there any other way of getting your things? Have them shipped to you. It might take some money, but your emotional sanity is worth is by far.
Ultimately, it's up to you. You have to decide what you really expect to happen with him (realistically) and whether it will help or hurt your healing. From my point of view, for what it's worth, I wouldn't go near him without backup. See if you have other people who might want to take the trip, make it a party or vacation, put a limited time on when you get to your ex's so that you or he aren't tempted to draw the visit out. Then get your stuff, leave and treat yourself to something fun afterwards as a reward. That would be your closure.
After this, whichever way you decide, you should let him go in your mind. He meant something to you once upon a time, but it's over and you really need to forget about him. Make new memories to heal and live. Staying in the past is truly putting yourself into a coma, and you are a vibrant living being....
Stay strong and let me know what you decide!! You have my prayers
M
Just to clear up Calpearl....I'm not hoping he'll see me and change his mind. He has been stubborn about what he wants without room for compromise to make it easier for him to deal with things though it was his decision to break up.
One of the hardest thing experienced was when we broke up over the phone and knowin i could not go there (due to distance) and try and work it out to understand what happened to know the real reasonings behind things (there was a lot going on him starting a new jov position, me moving and starting graduate research)
I have not had many relationship n i'm naive in respect on how to deal with things. In my mind I had expected to see him again, when i told him goodbye 6 months ago it was not a final goodbye and we had plans for when next we would meet, so in my mind i was going to see him and we were great...but life throws the unexpected curve balls and one day all the plans were down the drain and i realised i wasn't going to see him unless we got back together...that didn't happen. This way when i do get my things I can look him in the eyes (i hope) and tell him goodbye and thanks for the great times. I am not looking for conflict, i'm not looking to ask for a second chance, i'm not expecting anything...it just feels like what i need to do. I didn't know or realise it b4 but even though he was the one who decided our faith and though i have not agreed with his rational he has been hurting too...and from i have gathered i know he has been holding on (though he wouldn't admit it) by not packing up my things fully and leaving things as it. This way i think maybe i'm helping us both by me going there for my own sanity in the long run and for him to move forward by removing the things that he can no longer have. Perhaps i'm wrong on this logic and perhaps i'll open more wounds but I would never know if i don't do it.
As scared as i'm about how things would go, in my heart it feels like maybe this is what i have to do. I'll know by tomorrow night if i'm heading there for sure. Wish me luck and prayer for me that things go over peacfully, respectfully and civilised. Thanks to the two ppl who responded.
He doesn't know i'm coming, i'm just going to go n show up i'm tired of hiding and he shouldn't live life that way (i really do care about this person but i know nothing can be anymore). If i'm wrong i'll pay the consequences. Sometimes you just got to follow your heart despite what your head might say.
It's great that you have this opportunity to go with a friend. It's not to be missed unless you think the whole shipping situation that the other poster suggested would work. However, I think it's better to go on the road trip.
Don't worry about falling apart when you get there. You won't. Just know that things are over and there's nothing you can do about it--no need to cause a scene and make things worse and leave things bad. I think you won't have a problem if he's cool and not crazy. I think the only thing you have to worry about is how you will feel after you've gotten all of your stuff and you know you won't see him again. I think that will feel like $hit and that's why it'll be great that you will have your friend with you.
Best of luck and be brave--and respect yourself and him.