Some days it gets better....
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| Mon, 03-19-2007 - 10:00am |
Hi All,
Thanks to everyone who's responded to my posts and written me personally.
I'm just writing to share today's feelings. I actually felt quite good and not so sad. I think that's because I'm on a business trip in another country and it's going well so I'm focused on other things, entertaining, new environment.
But one thing keeps bothering me and when I'm tired and a little worn down, I start to think "Maybe I should respond to her last email...the one that forwarded a flyer and read: "This is for your information only. Guess you might be interested. You don't have to avoid me am I not worthy of being seen?"
I thought about responding: "You let things end without discussing our break up. You immediately started a new "serious relationship" with a new guy. Why are you writing me? I don't need false hope. This note is CRUEL."
But I thought through the scenarios. If she's a commitmentphobe according to Steven Carter's book, then her reaction would be: "I just thought you'd be interested you don't have to attack me all the time." Then I'd lose the moral highground and dignity I've gained through 1 week of ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT.
Also, I did write a series of notes like this right after she dropped the boyfriend bombshell. Not once did she apologize, never did she suggest we get back together.
So what's the point? I hurt now, but I know I will feel worse if I write and get a respoinse like that.
Also, she might not respond, then I'd obsess over WHY she isn't responding....
There would be a variety of responses, but none would be a reconciliation or would be "Yes, I want to be your friend..." And then I'd become engaged in a silly set of email exchanges.
I could call her....but then I'd be breaking NO CONTACT...and I don't have her number, so I'd have to look it up...which would mean I'd become anxious about whether it was right or not...like an alcoholic looking through a dry house for a drink.
So it's best to do the "ZEN" thing and do nothing. Just let these feelings pass. They do pass eventually and a weight is lifted.
So instead I wrote the email, and sent it to myself...then I read it and the feeling of wanting to send it passed.
I'm sure there will be more. I"m predicting based on her behaviour that there will be a more dramatic "curtain call". This one will be more weepy perhaps, more emotional, perhaps more angry. I predict that will happen in the next few weeks and I'm trying to brace myself for the worst while getting on with my own healing.
Thanks for stopping by and reading!
Cheers!

I know what you mean about good days and bad. I was really good Saturday and Sunday, then I woke up this morning at 4:00 a.m. crying. I know what set me off is finding out that on Sunday he put up a profile on amateurmatch.com. You'd think he'd mourn the loss of a 4 1/2 relationship a little more than three days. I want him to feel as miserable as I do.
I've written an email to him and saved it to Draft and keep re-writing it and re-reading it.
He hasn't called me and I haven't called him. No contact since Thursday. The email is in preparation for when he starts to call me (I know he will -- that's his pattern). But I don't know -- do I send it to him or just have no contact whatsoever. I feel like this breakup is completely unresolved. He got mad at me for something stupid and said "we're done!" There was no discussion about it.
Don't respond to the concert email. Then she'll have to respond to you explaining what she meant etc. There's a link in one of the posts here that essentially says if you have contact, you just set yourself back a day in your healing process. I believe that's true.