Some hope....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Some hope....
7
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 4:51pm
I'm new to this site, and I have to say I'm truly inspired by all of your posts and replies.

My situation is similar to so many of yours out there, but I wanted to share it with the hopes that it might help at least one person out there smile and know that there is a tomorrow...

I'm 26 years old, and was with my ex for almost 3 years. I'm sure it doesnt seem like that long to some out there, but for us, those 3 years were probably the longest in both our lives. We dealt with issues from ex's from the past, to parents dying... stuff that married couples of 10 years dont have to deal with, much less 2 people that are dating. After 2 years of back and forth, this past New Years I gave him an ultimatum.

He had asked me to go shopping and pick out furniture for his living room, and then later that night, after he got done at work, the plan was to have dinner with my friends, and then celebrate New Years with his parents at a neighbors home. All during that day, as I was picking out the furniture he would be buying I had this underlying sense of rage and anger, and I couldnt figure out why. It was at dinner with all my friends and my sister and her husband that it hit me. Here I was, picking out the furniture for this guys house, and we werent even living together, not to mention he couldnt even say the words girlfriend in the same sentence as my name. So we drove in silence the 20 miles to his parents, and when we got to the house I finally broke down and gave him an ultimatum - "Are we together, or arent we? Pick."

You see, he had always had feelings for his first love from highschool, and so I felt as though she was a constant threat. I honestly at the moment of giving him that ultimatum didnt think he would say that he loved me, but he did. I was in shock, but so relieved.. for a while.

After careful thought, we decided that it best I move in with him in his home. I helped him refinish the interior, and we slowly came to have a home. The Spring flew by, with weddings and such, and before I knew it, Mothers Day was around the corner. The week before Mothers Day we had a wedding to attend, and at the end as we were leaving the reception, he told the groom "Hey, when I get ready to buy her ring, will you help me since you just got one for your bride?"... And then - fast forward to one week later:

The morning before Mothers Day, he woke up (literally) and told me that "There was something missing, and that he wasnt in love with me, and probably never was."

What could I do? I tried to hold on.. tried to figure out what the problems were... I went down the road of "Whats wrong with me.." and "He's just confused, and he'll come back", but the truth is, there isnt anything wrong with me, and hes not confused, and I dont want him back even if he does come around the corner.

My ex had still had feelings for his ex, and he was waiting for a time to get back with her. The time finally came, and it was right for them both. I found that out the hard way - I walked in on the two of them having a heart to heart chat on the love seat 1 week after we broke up. Of course he tried to say it wasnt what it looked like, but later the next day he admitted that he thought now was his chance to be with her....

I was head over heels in love with the man, so to try and understand why it was over wasnt/nor is it easy. BUT, what is very easy to grasp is that he doesnt want me. And the one thing that I know I want from a partner is for them to want to be with me as much if not more then I want to be with them.

It's been almost 4 months since he broke up with me. I honestly couldnt tell you where the first month went. I buried myself in my job, family and friends. I went on vacation to visit friends, but then sat there like a bump on a log unable to even try and contribute to conversations because I was so obsessed with the relationship having ended. I tried to stay friends with him, even going so far as to have him sit down with my mother and explain to her that "Although he did ask her for my hand in marriage a month before the break up, he was wrong, and still wants stay friends..", that was disrespectful of my mother, but only now do I understand that.

The second month, life was easy, mostly because I cut the chord with him. I realized that he was continually lying to me, which was silly considering that we were thru. When I asked him he would try and back pedal but in the most cocky and condescending ways, I knew it was beyond over, not even could I preserve a friendship at that point.

The third month and now going into the forth, I started dating.. I did the internet thing, and gotta warn ya, be CAREFUL! There are some serious whackos out there. And yet, the last guy I met, his name is Brian, is wonderful. We've been talking for almost 2 months, and we've been dating for 1 month. He is the exact opposite of my ex: opens the door for me (my ex would walk thru and look back 5 minutes later if I wasnt behind him right away), insists on paying for our dates (the ex wouldnt even think of refusing my money, matter of fact when I lived with him, I paid him rent, bought the food, and cleaned, cooked, etc... not to mention paid for dates!), and did I mention he's nothing like my ex?! Right! There is hope.. it takes time. I still hurt. Just last week, I cried myself to sleep, but I know that everything happens for a reason, and whats meant to be, will be. I wish nothing bad on my ex, just that he get what he deserves. I on the other hand, just want my life back, and am taking it hour by hour (not even day by day) to see what happens. It's not easy, but I have to keep at it, and so do you guys.

Family and friends became my cornerstone for surviving the weekends and weeknights. I have packed my schedule, not to avoid being alone, but because I realize now how much I love my friends and family, and how I had missed them the last 3 years while pursuing my relationship. I work 60 hours a week because I am establishing my career so that my future is set. Everything I do now is for me, and me alone. A house and new car are next on my agenda, and will be happening shortly. I guess I've realized that I couldnt be with anyone until I could be by myself....

Brian and I have dates set up for days and weekends to come, but theres no pressure..... right now, I'm still the one blowing even if its not hot. He's been really sympathetic and understanding too, which helps. We'll see what happens. The only future I am looking at right now is my own... there is no "we" or "us".. Its all about me! Good luck to you guys out there.... (and believe me, one day I'm sure I'll re-read this post to remind myself that everything really is going to be ok.)

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anonymous user
In reply to: kicia_78
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 6:39pm
Hi,

Just wanted to say thank you for your post....I really liked reading it.

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
In reply to: kicia_78
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 7:35pm
Yes, i enjoyed your message too. I am at the two month mark, and it is still rough going. Your ex sounds like mine regarding the FOOD, we kept separate residences, but he spent every night at my house. He didnt keep ANy groceries at his house and he ate at my house all the time and didnt seem to think of ever offering me money........i make $8 an hour and he makes $19!!

When i did mention it - he would say, all you have to do is ask me?? Well i shouldnt have to ask- common sense would tell one that?? So once i said, how about you give me $20 a week,,, (which is a bargain I think!!) He said ok, but did it that week and never again. I wasnt about to beg him. How nice it would be for me if I never had to buy groceries!!!

Oh well, you live and learn.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2004
In reply to: kicia_78
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 9:53pm
I actually stopped buying groceries when my ex kept blowing his whole paycheck before the weekend was out. I'd have a late lunch at work, or buy dinner for one each night. I never did quite get my point across (the partying would always be more important), but I did get all the food in my cupboards that had been untouched for months cleaned out!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
In reply to: kicia_78
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 9:57pm
Thanks for sharing your story, I'm sure it will be helpful for others to see that you've gone through such pain and are making it through with flying colors!!! I'm glad to see you're moving on and Brian sounds great. I wish you both the best. Keep us posted and good luck in all you do!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
In reply to: kicia_78
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 9:11am
Absolutely! Thanks for saying thanks too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
In reply to: kicia_78
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 9:15am
Oh wow. You're right, our ex's sound very similar. Mine cut me a deal I guess by letting me move in and share a bed, and charge me $400 which is what he used to charge his old roommate. At the end of the month, I was spending around $1,000 on living there, it would have cost me the same to live on my own, and at least then I wouldnt have been cheated on.

You know the old saying.. "It is better to have love and lost, then to have never loved at all."?? I take that to heart.. I loved my ex unconditionally, but now I realize that I can have so much more. And I will.

So will you.

Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
In reply to: kicia_78
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 9:20am
Thanks for your comments, and warm wishes! I just know how hard it's been for me, and how absolutely alone I felt, and still sometimes do. But you HAVE to keep going, just taking it slow and easy, and it really does get better. I'm excited about Brian, and I'll definitely keep you guys posted!

Thanks again, and all the best!