someone talk me down!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
someone talk me down!
11
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 4:17pm
Basically I'm writing b/c otherwise I would be writing an email to my ex...I'm having one of those "omg if I don't talk to him NOW I'm going to EXPLODE!!!" moments. It's just so strange...I've rationalized why I shouldn't have contact with him to death, and my head gets it, but man my heart sure doesn't. I love this man so frigging much and it PISSES ME OFF that I can't just *poof* undo the vicegrip he has on my heart and soul. Ugh. This sucks more than a Hoover on steriods.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 5:25pm

I'm feeling the same way right now. But, so far, I've stopped myself.

Maybe, instead of calling him, write down exactly what you want to say to him?Then...DON'T send it.

Read it tomorrow. Maybe edit it. But don't send it tomorrow, either.

One moment at a time, eeyore!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 6:25pm
DID YOU CONTACT HIM, YES OR NO?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 7:12pm
Eeyore....I'm SOOOO there with you. After 2 weeks it's actually harder for for me.....I really want to email him and get more clarification. It's so hard. I have to be strong. All and I mean all advice points towards me having NC.......I just miss him so much, but I know he's not ready for a relationship with me and he's just not good for me right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 9:03pm
I know this is hard but you did the right thing!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 9:34pm

I know what you're going through...

I went through it not too long ago myself, and I still get urges to contact my ex occasionally. But it's been over three months of NC for me and I've learned that it really IS for the best. I know it's extremely difficult...believe me, it took me about 6 months to reach a point where I could stop contacting my ex (I really wish I had started sooner than that though!). I'm really proud of myself for not contacting him anymore.

Here's two things to consider when you have thoughts of contacting your ex...

1) He might be a jerk. He may not want to hear from you. You guys broke up, and chances are he's trying to move on with his life. You should do the same. What if he ignores you? What if he responds in a cruel manner? Would that really make you feel any better?

2) He might be nice. Now, this may not sound like such a bad thing...but honestly, it'd probably just make you feel even worse. He could just feel sorry for you and he might give you the whole "lets be friends" bs. Or he could be trying to keep you on the back burner in case he gets lonely. You know you're not ready to be his friend yet...and you know you deserve better than to be his option instead of his priority. Maybe he'll tell you that he still cares about you, misses you, loves you, wants you in his life, etc. Maybe he'll say that you're still the most wonderful, most beautiful girl he knows. That will just lead to you torturing yourself by trying to figure out why he won't be with you if you're as great as he says you are.

For about a month after my ex and I broke up, he kept telling me that he loved me and wanted to be with me, yet he was dating somebody else. Then we got into a fight and he started ignoring me. That sucked...I felt horrible everytime I would contact him and he wouldn't respond. But eventually he started sending me random messages, and we talked a couple of times--he told me that he still cared and missed me a lot, etc. I gained a lot of false hope from this...I thought him saying all those nice things meant that we might get back together, or that he at least wanted to be friends. I thought that because he had supposedly fallen in love with me before, he could easily do it again. But I was only fooling myself...I'm not ready to be his friend (nor do I want to be anymore, but that's a whole different story!) and we aren't getting back together. As far as I know, he still has a girlfriend. There's really nothing to say to our ex'es. People talk a lot about finding "closure" (myself included), but you can really only find that within yourself. No matter what answers your ex gives you, the end result is the same--you two still aren't together. Nothing is going to change that, and nothing he says will make you feel any better. The only way you're going to heal is to give it some time. I've found that it gets a little easier each day.

Don't have contact with your ex. It's just like getting your heart broken over and over again. You shouldn't talk to him until you're ready to be friends, if ever. I personally don't plan on ever having contact with my ex again because I know that he isn't healthy for me. So whenever I get the urge to contact him, I remind myself of that. I've also made a list of all of his bad qualities and why we broke up in the first place. Sometimes I even think back to those painful times where I would contact him and he would just ignore me...it makes me even more determined not to contact him because I don't want to go through that again. My ex has contacted me twice in the past three months, and both times meant absolutely nothing. He texted me a happy belated thanksgiving (who does that?) and the other message was an IM saying, "you suck!" Nice, huh? If he contacts me again, I may have to just block his screenname/#, etc. Maybe you should try doing that. That way, even if you want to contact him, you can't.

Post as often as you need to on this board...people are always willing to listen and to give support. As somebody else suggested, write letters but don't send them. Journal, call friends, family, watch tv, sleep, work out, etc...do whatever it takes, but don't contact him and you WILL start to feel better. I promise :)

Take care of yourself <3

"It hurts to have lost someone so close to me, but with every cloud there is a silver lining.. and I thank you for bringing me a fortune. You've changed me beyond comprehension. Sometimes I wish you knew, but sometimes I think it is better that you don't."

"It's funny, I guess sometimes when you do nothing at all, things just have a way of fixing themselves."

"There are people, and I'm sure this is true for many, that I would love to contact, to let them know that things got better, that I'm recovering, that I am happier and will be happier still as time goes on. I want them to know this because I still love them. Not out of bitterness, the 'ha ha look at me now. I'm happier now that you're outta my life' feeling, more the 'It's okay. It really is' feeling. But there are some people you just can't go back and contact. You just can't."

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 9:41pm

Ha, no, Dev, I did not contact him. Though my lord was it a S-T-R-U-G-G-L-E.

I think the biggest thing for me, aside from being in love with him when he's not with me, is that we didn't part on bad terms at all. Though he is not "in love" with me, he surely loves me oh-so-much, and I him. Over the 8+ months that I knew him he became one of my very dearest friends, the kind of dear friend that I only have 4 or 5 of, including him. He feels the same about me. We just...know eachother...and we always have.

Though I know that a relationship between us isn't right right now, if ever, I miss my friend SOOOOOOO much. And I know for 150% certain that he misses me just as much. I don't need to talk to him about "the relationship" in order to get closure or anything--we already did that, and honestly there wasn't too much to say--I just want to talk to him about all the cool and important things that have been going on in my life. He's such an integral part of me and all melodrama aside, without him I seriously feel like a very important part of me has been forcibly ripped from my soul.

But I know that as long as I am in love with him, get sick to my stomach at thought of him with another girl, and want to pounce him at any given opportunity (sigh) I can't have in my life. Which totally blows, because at this point I don't know if I'll ever be able to *truly* get over those feelings. He was my first everything meaningful and I think a part of me will always be in love with him...But darnit, I really want to get over those feeling because I want my friend back!!




Edited 2/21/2005 9:49 pm ET ET by eeyore_2436
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 12:44am

but have you ever been ONLY his friend.

do you know how to sit in a room with him on seperate couches?
do you know that when you see him you cant kiss him when you say hi?
do you know that you cant call every day?
do you know how to go out for supper and each pay for your own?
do you know how to hear him talk about another girl he likes?

i think its entirely impossible to be ONLY friends with someone youre in love with. i tried this with my ex boyfriend last week and it was sooo heartbreaking. it opened up every single wound i thought could maybe be healing. and i think it made it even worse than it was in the begining.

i know that he is our good friend and it sucks to lose him cuz so much time was invested into the friendship as well as the relationship. im in the same boat. he knows more about me than anyone does... he was not only my boyfriend. he was my best friend. my love. my happiness. my comfort... so i just need to find all of these qualities in other people now. calling someone else when you had something really cool happen, or when youre hurting is going to seem so weird at first...but you WILL get used to it. try to think of him as out of your life. when you no longer are in love with him THEN you can be his friend. because then you will be comfortable with sitting on seperate couches etc.

i debated for a long time if it would hurt more to lose him completely, or to be only friends when i want so much more.... and it definately hurts more to be only friends. its torture. and its a constant reminder that he doesnt want you. and if youre friends youll always have a little bit of hope in the back of your mind and it will KILL everytime you find out that that isnt the case.

its so hard not to contact him. but every time you want to, call someone else instead. or come back here and post another message. trust me. i contacted my ex on friday and he wasnt excited to hear from me....he seemed more annoyed...and it broke my heart. you both need this space. you need to try to move on...and let this guy realize what he threw away. you will soon realize youre so much better off... and you will find someone who didnt need this break to find out what he lost. the perfect guy for you will KNOW what he has.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2004
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 6:44am

Wow, Keytee....you put things into perspective for me....It was agonizing even asking myself these questions. I could never just be friends with my ex boyfriend. He actually suggested that as an alternative. At the time I told him that would never work, but after a week or so I have to admit I thought about it because I didn't want to lose his friendship, too, but your points were very eye opening.

Thanks so much

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 9:46am
I'm very much with you KeeTee...b/c I know that I can't do any of those things right now and that being "just friends"--at any point--is probably going to be near impossible for me. I mean, who knows, maybe in 3-6+ months I really will be "over him" enough to be only his friend...but...I just don't know. At this point my answer is no. It hurts too much to even think about being only his friend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 4:16pm
yeah it seems like we're in the same boat.
my email is lovemystarfish@hotmail.com if you want to talk some more
and i have msn messenger.

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