Sometimes I wonder

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
Sometimes I wonder
1
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 9:40pm

Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me. I broke up with my first serious relationship this past Thanksgiving. We really hadn't known each other long before we moved in together and it was such a big change. I hadn't dated for about 10 years (just never felt the need to be with someone) before him and I know now that we moved way to fast for me. I wasn't ready for that type of relationship yet.

I didn't know anyone but him and I had to adjust to a new kind of relationship at 32. I left my job, my close-knit family (moved 4 and half hours away from them...I had never been that far away from them before) and my small town for a big city and instant family. I went from just me to living with a ready made family. He had three girls, one of which lived with us. I sort of resented it at first but grew to really like being with her. It was hard adjusting to being in a family especially without my support system (my family). I felt so alone. I didn't know how to be a step-parent espcially when he tried to keep us as him and her as one family and me and him as being a separate family (I don't know if I explained that correctly). Needless to say, I spent alot of time being home sick. At the end he said that he just never felt that he could make me happy. He had a very bad temper problem and we had huge fights that usually ended up with me being back into a cornor. I know that it was the right thing to go our separate ways but I miss him and the girls. I'm back near my family again though homeless (my brother has taken me in for a little bit), now jobless (just happened today) and soon to be carless. I'm back to getting to know a new city again and trying to find my way back to being okay with it just being me. The reason for this thread is that sometimes I just sit and cry now. It seems like this past year I have done nothing but cry.

I was doing well with everything at first. I mourned losing, what I had comed to think of as my family (funny thing, never really wanted kids before and even though at first I resented having my freedom taken away, I grew to really liking the girls especially the one that lived with us) but could just kind of blow things off after a few minutes of feeling sorry for myself. I thought that the more time passed this would get easier but its not. Sometimes it actually feels worse. I have these thoughts that I would take getting backed into a cornor once a week if I could just have him there beside me. Last week my grandmother passed away and I just kept thinking that if only I had kept my mouth shut and just put up with everything.

My mother sort of just taught us to suck it up and deal with things and I'm trying so hard to just suck it up. I just feel defeated and miss my old self. I miss when I could feel myself glow and just share that with my friends, family and whoever I just happen to be near. We only lived together 6 months and was together totally about a year. Why does it feel I am deteriorating instead of moving forward and getting better?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 3:44pm

Hi butterfligurl, Welcome to the board.