soooooo angry

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
soooooo angry
7
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 8:13am

morning!


i need some advice ladies, mostly telling me what i know already i suppose.


my ex lied to me & claims he never did. it wasn't over stuff that happened while we were "exclusive" but it still makes me mad b/c i trusted him to tell me the truth.


also - i'm just crazy angry at men in general & i don't know how to get over this! any ideas?


thx.





Edited 10/9/2007 9:25 am ET by devuchka

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2006
In reply to: devuchka
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 9:27am

I can completely understand how you feel. My ex lied to me after we broke up but were still kind of together. Then he had the nerve to say he didn't trust me & knows I would dump him for someone else. Meanwhile he has been seeing a 22 year old

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: devuchka
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 2:20pm

Hi devuchka,


Well, if you KNOW he lied, then it doesn't matter what he claims.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
In reply to: devuchka
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 2:25pm

hi. thanks for your comments! i really like your positive board moderation.


you really lift spirits without yelling people into line. ;)


no, this is a different one...this guy was way more honest with me, which is why i was so upset that he lied! he told me twice emphatically I NEVER LIED TO YOU. but then i'm sure he did about one thing, which makes everything suspect.


i was hoping this time around to have made a better choice & have better x-ray vision!


actually, i never even intended to date this guy, i didn't trust him, i was just planning to play around & then whoop, i got sucked in.


he's not a bad guy compared to the other one, i just wanted him to be a GOOD guy. :(

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
In reply to: devuchka
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 3:22pm

Hey devuchka -

Is that your name? Is it Polish? :) If it isn't then I'm just silly.

Anyway, to the topic at hand.

I don't know your background but by what you say, that he isn't evil he just blatantly lied to you about something, it reminds me of my ex.

My ex was a great guy, honest for the most part. I always emphasized how much I needed him to always be honest with me.
And he would lie about minor things, just because he thought it would hurt me. And I would always tell him that it's better I know than for you to lie to me.

He was just immature about it. And when we broke up the first time, he went away for study abroad. About 8 months after he came back and we got back together, I asked him if he kissed anyone when he was away. And after constant no, no, no's, he finally confessed. Of course it killed me that he could keep something like that from me when all I wanted was him to be honest. Even though the honesty would hurt, it's better than after I asked him a million times.

Plus I know it was when we werent together but still, I just wanted to truth. And him lying to me shows me he was immature, and afraid. But also, it didn't mean as much to him as it would to me, and he knew I would blow it out of proportion.

So I would say that it sucks that your guy still isn't confessing, and it shows that he's very immature and scared and doesn't know how to deal with the repercussions. Plus, he doesn't realize that its worse that he's denying it than if he came out with it himself.

You'll be fine girl. Just let him know calmly that he is digging himself a hole if he keeps this up and it'll make you resent him even more if the evidence proves itself before he can come to you about it.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
In reply to: devuchka
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 4:05pm

i dunno, my guy clearly wanted to date me (1st lie) & possibly date me later (2nd lie). so one could say, all for the good of the r-ship since both events occurred when we were not dating.


however, like you, i'd rather have him say yeah, i screwed around or it's none of your business than lie. that's why i'm so upset.


i wanted him to have a strong character & i thought he did. this makes me doubt everything. which means if he ever comes back i'll have to face this head-on.


my last ex was a liar & cheater & one usually follows the other. my motto is, if you can't lie, you can't cheat.


so now what to think of this one? :(

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
In reply to: devuchka
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 4:06pm
p.s. close, devuchka is russian for girl or miss.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: devuchka
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 9:08pm

Welcome back to the board again, devuchka.

....."i was hoping this time around to have made a better choice & have better x-ray vision!"..... Seems to me your radar did in fact improve somewhat with this one than the last, since you said he was at least more honest with you than the last one. Small consolation, though. Something that I would suggest through experience to help with that is to trust yourself first and foremost in regards to other people's actions. Meaning, not being able to control what other people will do, the only thing we can hope for is to control ourselves and our own reactions to what others do. If you trust yourself to always get yourself out of a situation where you're not being treated well, then trusting the other person actually becomes secondary, not emotionally debilitating by putting up walls that people then need to try to break down.

As far as being angry with men in general, I can understand when women get to that point, but what I'd like to point out is that getting to that point results from continually being disappointed when people don't live up to our expectations, when you get upset because they didn't do or act in the way you wanted them to, and also by being upset at continually feeling as though you have to put up those protective walls over and over. It doesn't have to be that way. Lots of times that happens when there are no strong personal boundaries in place, rules you put in place for *you* to live by and create relationships by, boundaries are not for other people. What's left for other people are simply the consequences of your boundaries. Living this way, you can let of of the anger at, the disappointment in, and the resentment of men in general, because regardless of what any man does, you will always act in your own best interest. That's very liberating.

Try reading The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, that should help.

Good luck,

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