soooooooo SAD....REALITY BITES!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
soooooooo SAD....REALITY BITES!
5
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 12:21pm

hi everyone...i know most of you know my story, but for those who don't, i will give you a background on it(sorry for those of you who already know)...and, there is a new twist on things so PLEASE read it, even if you know my story already. also, please don't judge me, because i already know the things i've done wrong. also, this is LONG, BUT PLEASE READ.

background....i was with my ex for 4 years...lived for 2. we broke up about a year ago. we had a very loving relationship..it wasn't perfect, but it was mainly petty stupid fights which i know regret and have grown from it and hopefully won't make the same mistakes. there were really no major problems in our relationship..it was very loving and he was so loving and caring, and honestly, sometimes i felt like i didn't even deserve him..he was sooo good to me. we had a connection that i'm afraid i'll never find again. i broke up with him because i was confused..i'm still not sure 100% why i broke up with him..i'm still trying to figure that out...there were a lot of factors that played into my confusion about the relationship and about myself...anyways, during this confusing time, i ended up meeting someone new(who ended up being an ass), and only after 2 or 3 weeks of knowing him, i ended a 4 year relationship for this new guy(i know, i'm an idiot, and i was very wrong in doing that...trust me, i know). my ex never knew i left him for this other guy, or cheated on him for that matter, but he did find out later that i was seeing this guy when we broke up but were still living together(had to give a month notice to move out)...he was not happy with this ofcourse, and very hurt...i also did something else very "bad" to him which he did find out about, and i truely am sorry for what i've done to him.

throughout this year we've been apart, we've always had contact, which ofcourse has made it very difficult for me to let go, heal, and move on...it hasn't always been me, he contacts me too. actually, there were times where i begged him not to contact me because it was too difficult for me...he'd end up contacting me eventually anyways, but i did that to him too, so i can't be mad at him..we were still very close throughout this year, and i'd always ask him if he wanted to get back together and his answer was always "no", at one point it was a "maybe" and i was extactic because that was the most progress i made with him...that maybe went on for two months, and i tried not to get my hopes up, but deep in my heart i really believed we would be together..well, the answer eventually became a "no" AGAIN.

here's where reality kicks in...this year we've been apart i never knew if he had a girlfriend or not...and frankly, i don't think i wanted to know. i knew he had a few flings and had sex with girls but nothing serious. it didn't hurt me he was having flings, i was glad because in my mind, that meant that he wasn't over me therefore he didn't want to be serious with anyone else..ultimately i guess in my corrupted mind it meant that i was still his "#1 girl". i also figured that since he was still sleeping with me, and spending time with me that he didn't have a girlfriend because he's not the cheating type, and if he had a girlfriend, he would not be sleeping with me etc. well for the past couple of weeks i thought it was strange that he hasn't contacted me at all because he usually does. i know it's better that he doesn't but it still hurt. he would still answer my calls though, but it just didn't seem the same as just two weeks ago. so i started to think that maybe he does have a girlfriend now. he won't tell me, i've asked and he won't tell me..he doesn't think i should know, and he wouldn't want to know if i had one either. since this year we've been apart, i never once imagined him having another girlfriend, falling in love again etc....i don't know if i was in fantasy land or what...but lately i've been thinking about and i can't seem to really grasp that, accept it, or wrap my brain completely around that. for some reason i just thought that he still and will always love me, and never fall in love again..i figured the only reason why he didn't want to be with me was because he was afraid of getting hurt by me again, NOT because he didn't love me anymore...well, the other day he told me he didn't have romantic feelings for me anymore, but he will always care about me..but 2 weeks ago he said "maybe" to getting back together!

today, i did something really horrible, and i know how wrong it is. i felt like checking his email today, to see if there really was or is other women/woman in his life...i knew his password from when we were together and didn't know if he changed it, so i tried it...he didn't change it...i have never done anything like this before, and i'm actually extrememly dissappointed in myself right now. well, i checked his emails, and my hunch was correct...he had so many emails from other women. it broke my heart. it really was a dose of reality that i'm not sure if i'm ready to handle right now. the thing that hurt me the most was that some of the emails were from the times when he was "thinking" about getting back together with me, and telling me that he misses me etc...now it's like all those things he said to me were a lie, and i don't want to think of him as a liar or a player, because that's not the guy that i know/knew...also another thing that killed me was that he was calling this girls "babe", "baby", "sexy", "babes"....those were the names he always called me, and as silly as it may sound, i thought i would always be his "baby", "babes" and no one else would...even recently, he was still calling me that...i just don't know what to do now...i feel like i've taken a HUGE step backwards in my healing process....i'm in so much pain right now, but at the same time i think i'm in shock.

sorry for rambling. any advice or support would be greatly appreciated...God knows i need it right now...thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 3:51pm

I'm sorry you had to find out about your ex's affairs that way.

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 4:05pm

thank you so much. your kind and honest reply really touched me. you're right though, i think it is for the better that i did find out that he has really moved on (although the way i went about was wrong). it hurts to know, but i think it gives me somewhat of closure. having this reality hit me over the head is something i needed...i mean i have come along a lot futher than where i was even just 2 months ago, but i know that i haven't completed let goed and i guess believing in my head that he would always love me and not knowing/or even thinking that maybe he has moved on kept me hanging on somewhat...i really am trying to take this as an opportunity to grow and find myself again...what began as a journey of healing over a break up has actual turned into a journey of self discovery also, which i am grateful for, but at the same time it still hurts.

thank you again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 4:33pm

It really is amazing how much you can learn about yourself after a breakup... I know those 10 months when I was single after my last relationship really changed my life in a lot of ways.

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 8:57pm

Checking his e-mail was very wrong. Do you think that you have honestly learned that lesson, or will you do it again when the opportunity arises?

"...this year we've been apart i never knew if he had a girlfriend or not... i was glad because in my mind, that meant that he wasn't over me ... it meant that i was still his "#1 girl". i also figured that since he was still sleeping with me, and spending time with me that he didn't have a girlfriend"

Here's another lesson to take away from this painful experience. The next time you break up with someone, stop having sex with them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 8:55am

you do not need to tell me what i did was wrong, like i mentioned at the beginning of my post, i already know what i did wrong...i did not need your input on that...i knew it was wrong before i entered in is password, and i made no excuse for that.

since you have it all figured out, why are you on this board? if it were that easy to stop having sex with an ex, or have nc etc, this board would not exist. and you seemed to have missed the bigger issue/problem i was mentioning in my post.

little lesson for you.....don't judge, don't take things out of context, and don't put in your 2 cents when it's not even worth 2 cents.