Started No Contact - very lost w/out him

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Started No Contact - very lost w/out him
17
Fri, 01-18-2008 - 6:44pm

Hi guys. Introduction: I am 23, my ex is 26. As I posted a while ago, I broke up with my boyfriend "N" three weeks ago because I loved him (we dated 1.5 years

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Fri, 01-18-2008 - 8:12pm
Wow, you just told my story almost word for word. I am 44 & have been dating a 37 year old off & on for a year. I was in the middle of a divorce when we met. He left his wife for me although I didn't want him to. We broke up the first time because I was having difficulty getting my divorce finalized. He started dating another girl within days. 3 months later we got back together & he moved in with me right away. Things were perfect as long as I gave him all my time. He asked me to quit my profession which I would have done eventually. He hacked into my email one day & discovered I had emailed an old old boyfriend who means absolutely nothing to me now. We just never lost contact. Anyway, he moved out immediately & has since called me the nastious names you can imagine. Shoved me, pushed me, threw me accross the room, threw & broke my new laptop. He said it was all my fault because of what I did to him. I, like you, still love him. I know I am better off without him but at the same time I am lonely & miss him. Although he was very controlling, possessive & had a temper, he had a great side also. So please know you're not the only one out there who is struggling. It's good to know I'm not alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 01-18-2008 - 9:18pm

Hi nicole_rj,


Keep going with No Contact.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Fri, 01-18-2008 - 9:19pm
Well there is one major difference. My ex couldn't hurt a fly. He would NEVER lay a hand on me, ever. The only person he could hurt is himself. My ex is a sweet, loving man, but it just didn't work with us. I hope he finds a girl to bring him happiness one day, and I mean it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Fri, 01-18-2008 - 9:28pm

Unfortunately I left my meds at his place as well as my disabled parking permit. And a whole bunch of toiletries that I need for when I go away in three weeks. Of course I have extra meds at home but I would like them back ... like you said, eventualy.


Carrie, how would you go about the procedure to get your stuff back? Some of my friends have offered to be there as a neutralizer. My friends always liked him, so they still want to be in contact with him and they feel this might make him more comfortable. Or am I better off just meeting him in a neutral place - the two of us alone - just exchanging it there? I do have an opportunity to stop by his house next weekend because I'll be in his town with a friend of mine (he lives an hour away).

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 01-18-2008 - 9:59pm

Two ways you can do it:

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sat, 01-19-2008 - 9:26am

Hey nicole,

Gosh so many things. Your post reads like every other breakup only in mirror reverse, you in the man's typical position and him in the woman's typical position, even down to the same words, etc., being thrown back and forth. How often have you heard a woman say, "You'll never find another, " "he'll never find another like me, etc.?" For whatever reason, they seem to think it's going to make a person want to come back, or regret their decision when it more often only cements it as the right one. As the rejected party, they just want to hurt someone as much as they hurt, but it's a total backfire. Thank you for posting the true effects of those words, hopefully people take them out of their vocabulary.

His vision of what love is pretty much mimics what so many others feel who have yet to develop their perceptions fully, that "love is all you need" and "love conquers all" or "if you loved each other, you would..." how many times do you read that in a post? Now you know where those people are coming from. ;)

For the record, I don't feel like he is either being mailciously manipulative or controlling of the situation, nor does he seem to be a closet version of that, he's just incredibly hurt. And hurt people lash out. Animals are the most dangerous when hurt, humans are no less.

Nicole, please take this in the spirit it's being offered: You're not going to do yourself any favors by punishing people for not meeting your expectations, especially those you don't speak up about. People are rarely gong to be able to fulfill the silent goings-on in our minds. However, I think what you really wanted to do was simply be angry and this was a pretty handy way to express that.

I would take along a friend to help out with the exchange of items. Make sure it's someone he gets along with. I wouldn't drop in unannounced or catch him off-guard or unawares. Breakups are aleady difficult and painful enough as it is without adding fuel to the flame intentionally.

Hugs,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Sun, 01-20-2008 - 1:26am

"Nicole, please take this in the spirit it's being offered: You're not going to do yourself any favors by punishing people for not meeting your expectations, especially those you don't speak up about. People are rarely gong to be able to fulfill the silent goings-on in our minds. However, I think what you really wanted to do was simply be angry and this was a pretty handy way to express that."


Maybe because it's 1:30 AM my mind isn't working, but I don't understand what you're trying to say.


Did I do something wrong?


As for your idea about the stuff exchange, that's exactly what I have planned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Sun, 01-20-2008 - 1:47am

Sorry Sandra ... my friend just read the post and

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 01-20-2008 - 10:00am

Yes, you will be totally ok ;-)

I'm glad you had someone there who could decipher my cryptic writings ;-) Just to make sure, what I meant by that statement on not punishing others for not meeting our unstated expectations was in reference to you getting upset when he failed to call you when you were sick. That might be what you wanted, and it's ok to want that, but it's not helpful to act on or let your thinking get clouded by those self-inflicted negative feelings. It wasn't "wrong" to feel upset, but it did waste a lot of your energy and that negative feeling led, directly or indirectly, to the events over the next several days. Doing that regularly in your interactions with people as a matter of course will leave you feeling unhappy and unfulfilled in the long run. So don't do it no mo'. ;-)

Have a super day!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2005
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 12:19am
I thought when you break up with someone you do not contact them at all?

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