starting to make progress?
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| Sat, 11-13-2004 - 1:04pm |
a lot about what you guys have advised,
and a lot about my behavior.
a while ago, i was pretty pissed cause my
ex wouldn't call me back to give me the
homework assignment for our english class.
well, he ended up calling, and i ended up
not answering the phone. i wondered if maybe
i HAD called him as an excuse to talk to him.
so i called the school and left a message
for my instructor instead. i didn't get the
assignment on time, but that's not a big deal.
not so long ago, all my thoughts were consumed by
him. i would see one thing, and i would somehow
find a way to relate it back to him, and then i would
get depressed and lonely. but now, for the past week
or so (ever since i didn't answer his call), i've been
thinking about how i HAVEN'T been thinking about him.
everytime i DO think about him, i think about how i am
not as affected by him as i used to be.
i'm pretty sure he's dating around, and a while ago,
i would've acted completely irrationally, and tried to
find out who he's dating. honestly, i still get a little
twinge knowing that he's dating someone else already, but
it's not like it consumes me. it's like, "oh, that kinda
sucks. oh well."
everyday, i go through the whole day NOT thinking about
him. i prolly have only a few vague thoughts about him
within the day, but they're so vague that i don't even
remember them, really.
i'm hopeful that i'm starting to make real progress, but
i'm wondering if this is just part of the rollercoaster.
before, i've had revelations, and had a few wonderful days
of happiness, and then i'll be depressed or irrational because
of something that happened for a couple of days.
this time, though, i feel that it's different. i've felt this
way for a little over a week, and i didn't answer or return
his call. that's a BIG step for me. i'm starting to get to
the point where i kind of don't want him in my life at all.
i even scheduled my spring semester in order to have all night
classes, ensuring that i won't be in class with him, or even
see him, at all.
a while ago, i wanted him so desperately to remain my friend.
at this point, i'm disinterested in it. although it makes me
sad that the first person i truly loved, the first person i
trusted enough to share my life and my heart with will no longer
remain in my life, i feel as though it's the way it is supposed
to be. i mean, this happens to almost everyone. and they've
survived. and so will i. i will find someone else, hopefully.
the hardest thing is "filling the void." before i met him, i
never had a "void." i had never experienced love, so i didn't
know what i was missing out on. now i do. i'm excited for it
to occur again, and this time it will be different. i'll try
not to make the same mistakes. hopefully, i'll be a much better,
much stronger person by then. :)
so, all of you who have experience, does it seem like i'm on my
way? or does it seem like another up on the inevitable rollercoaster?
thankyou for any and all responses. <3

you've always got such positive things to say.
i really appreciate it!
i'm really glad that i'm not alone in this.
i hope everything's going well with you!
<33333
i agree with you, i am starting to see signs now too. it's awesome.
i'm pretty sure that there were always signs, i just overlooked them
before because 1)i was hurt and irrational 2)i wasn't ready to cope
with the truth and 3)i thought that if i just gave him a call, he'd
realize the error of his ways.
now that i'm saying that, i feel really dumb. but, when your heart
is broken, you're not exactly rational or logical. you're pretty much
temporarily crazy. hahahah ;)
anyways, if you ever need to talk, or you think you're about to do
something you might regret (i.e.: calling him) don't be afraid to
email me at blargleargle@yahoo.com or im me on aim. my screen name
is: deathxbecomesher.
thanks for your support! <3
i don't have yahoo messenger though :-\
but i'd love to share emails!