Still angry after 4 months, help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2002
Still angry after 4 months, help!
1
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 5:36pm

Heres the background info. I am 22, i was dating my x bf for almost 2 years. He is 24. We had a good relationship, we were very close, my family helped him out tremendously (he was an orphan). My father helped pay off his truck and even let him stay in our property with very cheap rent. Nonetheless, we had plans to marry and move in together. But his old ways came back to him, and he became very possessive, controlling and couldnt trust me. He accused me of cheating on him with his friends because his friends and i were close. He outcasted everyone in his life and started doing cocaine. He became extremely paranoid and called everyone in my phone book threatening them. When i found all this out, we had a big bad breakup and it ended horribly. We havent talked since dec 1. My birthday was nov 28th, and we were together, and then 2 days later we never speak again. Its been very hard.

Anyway about 3 weeks after we broke up, dec 21st, he broke into my house when i was at work and stole all my jewelry, money, xmas gifts, and trashed my room. He took jewelry that i cant ever replace (my grandmother passed away, and i was given some of her jewelry). My mom gave me some necklaces for my brithdays...everything is gone. I did go through the police and he was arrested after they found evidence of my belongings in his house, including some drug money. Well my father didnt want to press charges for fear of him retaliating and hurting me.

I havent spoke to him, and thus i have no closure. Inside im still so angry and ive always been the type to go from relationship to relationship. I always have a boyfriend or atleast someone im dating. But im still so emotionally exhausted from this. I cant get over what he did to me, ESPECIALLY after all i did and my family did for him. I want answers and i dont know what 2 do to be able to move on from this. I loved him and i still do. From what ive heard through his x friends (they all stopped being his friends)hes become a jerk and is sleepin around with diff girls to just be a a$$hole. It hurts inside cause i cant picture all this.. and it makes me wonder who he was this whole time i was with him. We went from talkin about marriage, to not talking at all, to him robbing me, to him sleeping with whores.

How can i put this behind me? Im afraid to date again, incase of getting hurt. Im afraid to let someone in, in fear of wasting another 2 yrs. Im just so apprehensive about men now..and its awful. help!!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 6:43pm

Hi, I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through. You're going to have to get your own closure...it happens sometimes. It's not fair, but it is what it is.

Whether it's because of his drug use, or his upbringing or some other factors...you have to work on accepting that at least at this point in his life, he does not have the morals or values you want in a partner. Focusing on WHY that is true is less helpful than accepting what IS.

Not every man is going to be like him. But some are...and some will have different issues that will still hurt you. Relationships involve risk...there's no getting around it. All we can do is try to minimize the risk by applying what we've learned from previous experience. Perhaps in your case, you'll choose to minimize the risk by choosing partners from stable, loving families who wouldn't dream of doing drugs (just as an example--I'm not saying that people from unfortunate backgrounds can't turn out great, or that people from good backgrounds can't be messed up!).

Take your time to work through the stages of grief (and anger is one of them). I've found that accepting that some people are limited and just aren't capable of being who we want or believe them to be helps me let go of my anger, sometimes. Your grieving process will probably be a little longer than it would be if you had some sort of closure...unfair, again, but it being unfair doesn't change what IS.

Sheri