still can't get over ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2006
still can't get over ex
4
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 1:03pm

Well this may be a bit of a long story but here goes. I broke up with my ex over 5 years ago and I'm still not over him. Despite everything (the lying, the cheating and the utter disregard for me) I still can't stop loving him. Two years ago I met a man who I thought I loved and for a while I forgot about my ex (or at least that’s what I told myself, but he was always there in the back of my mind). I moved to another city to be with him and we are living together now but I compare him in every way possible and even despite all his good …no his great…qualities he just doesn’t measure up. I still think of my ex every minute of every day and it’s complete and utter hell. I have become a depressed, bitter and unloving person. I went back to visit my family a few months ago and I called him. He told me exactly what I wanted to here. I had read that in a relationship where one person took advantage of the other, once you get closure and finally know why the person did what they did to you, you can finally move on. He told me he was sorry for what he did, that he knows now he should have treated me better and that I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he thought he knew everything and he really knew nothing. And that if he could go back to 5 years ago he would.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to drive to his house and wrap my arms around him and never let go. Instead of feeling relieved and at peace I felt even more bound to him in every possible way. I feel as if he is the only one that can ever made me happy. Yes we had a lot of happy moments but did he ever really make me happy? If he did wouldn’t I still be with him? I can’t shake these thoughts. I can’t shake my desire to be with him and I feel like I will never be able to let him go. In the meantime the man that I am living with is wondering why I am always depressed, miserable and a huge #%&* to him and I know it’s not fair to him to keep things going with him considering how I now feel.

Please help me what should I do? How can I finally let my ex go and move on??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 1:58pm

Welcome to the board georgiagirl2006,


Ok, as nicely as possible:


::Despite everything (the lying, the cheating and the utter disregard for me) I still can't stop loving him.


This isn't about love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 2:27pm
I just want to back up everything Carrie has said. You feel like you need this man, but you don't. You don't need him to be with you, and you don't need him to help you get over him. You only need yourself. Please have more faith in yourself and your ability to move on without him or his help. I understand how you feel because i've had the feelings that I needed closure directly from something my ex could say or do but evenutally I realized I can move on, and I can do it all by myself and with the help of my friends. Best of luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2006
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 4:09pm

How can you let your ex go?

By drawing a line between "then" and "now", and deciding what side you want to be on. If you want to live in the "then", leave your current boyfriend and go back to your ex. If you want to live in the "now", accept the past as much as you embrace the present tense and the potential of all that lays ahead for you.

It sounds like your closure conversation opened up a door instead of closing it. Your ex said all the right things when you spoke, but remember he was talking in a retrospective voice, reflecting on what he learned, not what is doing now for the two of you to get back together again. He didn't call you to tell you those things; you were the one who picked up the phone and called him.

It sounds like your relationship ended for all the right reasons, and hopefully, your recent conversation with your ex will be a large step forward in your deciding what side of the line you want to live your life in: then or now?

mblade2006

"Just because everything is different 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2006
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 4:24pm

I know you are all right and I also know my self-esteem is completely gone (if I ever had any) and I need to go into therapy. We did try earlier this year to go to couple's therapy and the issue of my self-esteem came up many, many times. But because my current BF was there I could never really talk about my thoughts and how my ex was affecting me now. I want to try again but unfortunately money is an issue right now.

I'm also not sure if the fact that my current BF is really not living up to my expectations has played into the equation or not. But I think that is also something I have to explore and perhaps decide if I want to stay with him or not. Not that he treats me bad only that we are not compatible sexually and it's really putting a whole added strain on the relationship.

I will try to read some of those books you suggested and your advice was very helpful. Thank you all.