Still Cohabitating, is it really over?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2007
Still Cohabitating, is it really over?
1
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 8:45pm
This might be a long message, but I really need opinions on this mess of a situation that I have. My boyfriend and I just mutually agreed to end our 4-year relationship, because we have too many arguments. Mainly these consisted of me trying to communicate with him and having him be defensive about everything and interpreting everything I said to him in a negative light--even after I explain to him the good intentions to my comments. Our relationship started off great, but for the last, say, 2 years things have not been bright. Many times I have felt insignificant in his live, because he's a workoholic and insist on spending time with his friends rather than help our relationship grow and heal from old hurts. I tried to use calm discussions with him many times about the fact that he has stopped complimenting me and making me feel special. Throughout it all he insisted and told me that he loved me and cared about me, but despite this he still did not give me the simple request for affection and 'verbal loving' that I desperately sought from him. Although, he did attempt to give me thoughful physical gifts to make up for his lack of 'lovey-dovey' sentimentalities. I was so tired of feeling like I was making request to an unresponsive wall, that I was at my wits ends, and during our last argument, which always start as calm discussions but turn vile once I stop talking and wait for minutes on end and he gives me silence and refuses to talk back to me to assure me that he was actually listening to me as I open my damn bleeding heart to him. AHhhhhh!
So, the problem about this break-up is that we live together and I am not in a position, financially, where I can walk out. And to be quite honest, I half heartedly meant it when I said I too wanted to end our relationship. Despite our disagreements, I love him very much and it hurts to realize that when he said he thought we weren't right for each other, he meant it. Yet, when I asked him if he wanted to scrap our planned vacation together that is coming up in June, he said he did not want to do that--although nothing is planned or paid for, yet. And today,(third day since the break-up) he still gave me a kiss on the forehead before heading to work and then leaned in for a kiss on the mouth. I hugged him, (yes, I know, that was weak of me to do) but when I did this he hugged me long and hard and kissed me numerous times on my neck. I'm so confused. I don't know how I should react to this situation. I hope that, maybe, emotional time apart, if not physical, will make him realize that he doesn't want to lose me, but I also think that he is certain and set about this break up with me. I would appreciate advice and comments about anything I have just confided in you.
Thanks for listening/reading,
Lin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2007
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 9:50pm
Hey sweetie I just checked out your situation and this really sucks cause you two are stuck for the moment together, but you really should check into your options you could stay with a girlfriend or family so you two could take a break, you know abstence makes the heart grow fonder :) I dont know why men are so difficult but they are! You have to make him see that he doesnt want to be without you and let HIM come to the conclusion that you are the most important thing in his life, and cant live without you, you cant do that living in the same house to where he comes home every night and knows your guarenteed to be there... Go somewhere and stay at least for 7 days and see what happens you will be suprised what will come of it, men just dont understand that talking and action are two differnt things, he says he wants to break up yet he kisses you? Weird? Yes! He sounds like he's on the fence about your guys relationship... and you need to do something that will get him to make a decision, not just let go back and forth. I would not plan a trip with someone I was not with for vacation! It seems like he wants all the rewards with no work on his part, dont let him use you like that. He needs you right now for bills, companionship and whatever else. Be careful cause there is a little truth in everything people say... and you both said it was over so do you really want it to be over? obiously not or you wouldnt question yourself on here. Sorry if I'm being blunt - I just went through the same thing and looking back I was stupied and stayed and let him use me and I wish someone would have said something, and it ended up a really bad, bitter break up. So go with your instinks they are usually 90% correct! Good luck to you!
Cami