Still getting over him

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2007
Still getting over him
1
Mon, 09-24-2007 - 1:20pm

It is just about 5 months since he broke up with me. We were together for 2 years, we met because he lived (still does) upstairs from me. I had never known such peace and happiness from a relationship, it was more than I could have ever imagined. Being 34 (at least I am now), I thought that I knew why I had waited to get married, and I thought I knew he was “the one”. He had asked me to move across the country with him, and I had decided to go with him. I told him that I would need a bigger commitment from him before we left (we were supposed to be leaving this coming Dec/Jan). I was so nervous telling my family about it, but with his support, I did last Christmas.
Then this past April, it all came apart.

He told me that it wasn’t about love, that he loved me deeply and he just didn’t know what to do because he had a knot in his stomach about making a commitment to me. He had talked to me about a month earlier about this fear and I had been feeling particularly fragile during that time (he had decided to start therapy at that time to work on these issues). He felt that he had taken my power away, that I was just waiting for him to tell me what he had decided and that was killing him. I was, of course, devastated and incredibly broken hearted. We have talked on occasion after a month of not speaking (although we did email). He has told me that the knot in his stomach was gone (the one that was there because of the decision he had to make), then he wasn’t sure if the decision he had made was the reason he had currently been feeling so awful. Another important part of this story is that we still live in the same building, I am on the 1st, he on the 3rd floor. I have been and am desperate to move out, but it is really complicated. I was supposed to be going to school in the new state we were moving to. Now, I am not sure where I am going to go to school. I want to stay in the city where I live, but if I don’t get into a program here, I need to go somewhere else. I may also be starting school in less than a year, which rules out a 1 year lease. I am basically waiting for my roommate to buy a place so I can rent from her until I know what I am going to do (she wants to put an offer on a great place, but is just waiting on help from her family for the down payment). So, he has also told me he doesn’t want to jump back into things because living in this house with me just downstairs evokes so much emotion. And, he does not want either one of us to go through this again (meaning the break-up). He also has told me a few times that he still loves me and is not sure if made the right decision. He told me his mother thinks that his fears are fears of losing me (he lost his father suddenly 5 years ago & he had anxiety over things like my health and my driving home from work) and that she will not be satisfied with his decision until he tells her that he is sure he made the right decision. Then I realized I couldn’t hear this crap anymore, every time I talked to him, I saw that I was feeling more vulnerable and that I was not letting go because his words sounded like he was not letting go. So, about a month ago, I asked him not to contact me for a few months, and he hasn’t. I told him I would either call or email with my moving plans, and that maybe we could say goodbye to each other. Last week, he talked to my roommate and asked if he could pass any information on to our landlord on when we were moving. She told him that we would take of it (love her) and didn’t give him any info. I got so angry. I told him I would tell him when I know, and if he is getting anxious for me to move, guess what? SO AM I.

So this weekend, I went out with a friend and had a little too much wine. We had a great time out and when I got home I took the dog out in the yard. I could hear voices and looked up to his kitchen window. I saw two of his friends (a couple) and another girl. Now, he has a lot of female friends, and I never really bothered me because most of them were pretty uninteresting and he never seemed to be attracted to them. I think I recognized her but it was hard to say. BUT, of course, the one time I drink a little too much during the 5 months, I see a girl sitting at his kitchen table. I started flipping out a little bit. I was squeaking the dog toy trying to get her to look so I could see if I knew her. Or to get him to look out to see me (I never did see him). Hopefully, no one noticed. Then I went in the house and slammed my back door as hard as I could (they should have been able to hear it, the kitchen is in the back of the house). So now, I feel like a loser (after pretty much being able to keep my head high during all of this). And can’t stop wondering who the girl was, and what their relationship is. But mostly, I am so disappointed in myself for still letting this bother me so much. My mind can be so cruel. I want to stop thinking about him, then I imagine him coming back to me.

Thanks for reading. I think I needed to type this out and get some of it off my chest.




Edited 9/24/2007 5:02 pm ET by bridge73
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 2:05pm

Hi bridge73,


Here's your previous post: His Mom wants to stay in touch


We all have set backs, so just keep moving forward.