Still Holding On
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| Wed, 08-03-2005 - 5:55pm |
Am looking for support and advice from a new source -- my close friends are tired of hearing this drama and I just need to vent once again...
About 6 months ago my boyfriend of over 5 years broke up with me citing personality differences and the fact that he was no longer in love with me. Bottom line was that when we started going out long ago I was working through some intense grief issues that led to a lack of communication in our relationship. This communication problem persisted, and neither of us acted on it for years.
I do not regret that initial break-up. The shake up to the status quo got me to work on myself for awhile and I am in a much better place. He, on the other hand, started dating someone else within a couple of months. I do regret that it took the break-up for me to see how easily we could've fixed the relationship, but that's a whole different matter.
In June we started talking and dating again (meanwhile he was dealing with the jealousy of the new girlfriend) and the connection between us was better than ever. I left the country in July and we agreed to keep in touch via various means to see if we continued to grow together. The plan in the meantime was to date other people as well until we were sure one way or another. For a week or so that plan went well, then two weeks ago was his last good email and after a week of no contact from him (with several emails and a phone call from me) he wrote that he was sorry he was blowing me off but that he was working through his confusion about what to do with his life, relationships, family, etc and that we would talk soon. I responded that I would give him space to figure things out and that the next contact was up to him. Apparently "soon" does not have a timeline because there is still no word from him.
We are both in our mid-thirties and never married. I still love him and believe that he could be the right one for me. How do I handle this now? Do I just hope that he is truly working through things at this point (since we started up again last month we have been completely honest to each other) and he will contact me when he makes some decisions or do I fall into the jealousy trap and assume that he has chosen the new girlfriend over me? Do I contact him in a month to ask what's going on or just let a great relationship fade into the sunset? I am worse off now than I was after the initial break-up; at least then I could point to why it occurred. Now I'm just a wondering, sobbing, anxious, obsessive and at times angry woman.
Any thoughts on the best way to handle all this?

Neither...I think the best course of action is for you to work on accepting that the two of you are not right for each other, at least at this point in time, and move on. If he decides otherwise, he will contact you but you can't hope for that or wait.
I would not contact him unless and until you are completely over him and ready to be friends. The ball is in his court to contact you. If and when he does, I would find out whether he wants to try again, and if he doesn't, then ask him not to call you unless he decides he is ready to do so.
The worst thing you can do for yourself is stay in limbo, waiting for someone *else* to act or decide. You can only control your actions and decisions, so decide that you're going to move on. IF he calls and wants to rekindle things down the road, you'll cross that bridge when you come to it.
Sheri
Hi - I don't know if I can give very good advice, but just wanted to offer some words of support.
I am in my mid-30's, too. So is my ex-boyfriend. He broke up with me (for the second time) three weeks ago.
It is hard. I know that I cared about him, and I know that he cared about me. I think sometimes that I am sure that we could work through any issues that we had (after all - don't all relationships have problems that need to be worked through?!) and we could be together. After all, love is so hard to find and it come so infrequently in our lives. And especially when you hit your mid-30's - it is harder to let go.
But. Then, I think to myself - I can't do anything at all to change this situation. God is in control of everything. And me trying to make my own way by calling him, emailing him, seeing him, etc. is only going to get me further off of the right path. I just need to be silent, be patient, and wait. I am going to be waiting either way. Whether it is for my ex, or whether it is for the next man that God brings in my life. So in the meantime, I just try to be the best person that I can be. And I try to do something to help others. Surprise someone at work with a cup of coffee, call a friend who I haven't talked to in a while, start a conversation with an older person in the park who is sitting alone. It sounds weird. But it helps.
Part of me doesn't want to let go (like you) - a little bit because I think that I don't want to accept that he really doesn't want to be with me. And that I just know that we care about each other, so I know that if we just talked about a few things, it would be okay. But, I certainly can't say any words that would convince my ex-boyfriend of that. He is an adult, and he can make up his own mind, and all I can do is respect his decision.
Believe me, I still have incredible urges to call him or talk to him. Which is why I feel a little bad writing you - because I by no means am over my ex boyfriend, nor am I past the point of a little bit of me thinking/hoping that maybe he will still call me one day! But I am really trying to let go, and I just try to keep my focus on God. I still have weak moments. But it helps a lot.
Sheri --
I understand what you are saying about working on accepting that we aren't right for each other and moving out of limbo, but do you have any advice on how to do that? Some magic potion that will make the depression and disturbing thoughts disappear? Seriously, I've read tons of self-help books, have thrown myself into daily activities (adding a few along the way to fill the time), and we're miles apart from each other so there's no chance of "running into him." But still, he's my first thought in the morning and last thought at night. My first love was at age 27 -- he died shortly after we were engaged. This guy was my second love and so this whole breaking up with someone you truly care about (rather than someone who is just hanging around) is new to me.
Thank you.
No, unfortunately there's no magic potion. You have to allow time and no contact to do their work...there's no way to fast forward through.
I find that reminding myself frequently that "he can't be right for me, or he wouldn't have ended it" or variations on that theme, help...but you still have to put in the time and go through the grieving process. Acceptance is the final stage.
Sheri