still hurting

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
still hurting
4
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 12:00pm

Well I posted on here about a month ago about the guy I had been dating. He was untrustworthy and psychologically abusive. He twisted things and made it seem like I overreacted to every miserable thing he did. Sometimes he even GOT me to beleive that I was the one overreacting and being paranoid, but my gut never felt like I was being treated right so I pushed him away.

After he moved out he told me he still wanted to see me. I told him that we could only see each other once a week which we have been doing for about a month now. However any time that we would hang out I would get very angry at him and accuse him of the slightest infraction: I accused him of still talking to the girl I had broken up with him over / I would just pout and hate him the whole time we were together because to me he had been stringing me along, treating me badly and lying to me all the while I had been an angel to him for a year and a half and even let him live with me!!

Then he threw a title at me! FINALLY after a year and a half I could be his "girlfriend" because I started pulling away!! It was too little too late. I had been through agony with him and he never treated me right when it counted.

This past couple weeks we've been back and forth with what we have and where this should go. I want to cut all contact because I can't deal with being with him and now have no faith in him AT ALL, plus I am always angry at him. This weekend I told him he should see other people. I know its for the best. BUT....

It hurts! I know its supposed to, but now he's saying he gave me everything I wanted and now I'm to blame for pushing him away. Even worse he wants to still see me and he refuses to cut off contact to allow me to heal. I told him we could be friends but I had to get over him a little first. He says: there I go pushing him away again.

I told him I can't see him now that I KNOW he is seeing others. I just want this to be over for a while so I can heal. He tells me to: "Have faith in me and have faith in yourself" In other words "I-AM-going-to-see others-but-I-still-really-care-for-you-and-I-don't-want-to-throw-this-away-so-hold-onto the-idea-that-even-though-I-am-dating-others-you-are-the-one-I-still-care-for"! He also says I now have no right to ask him anything about who he's dating. That was the whole reason I left him to begin with because I couldn't stand thinking of him with someone else! How does he expect me to handle this?!! He says: "You created this situation and now we have to deal with it. You WERE my girlfriend but you told me to see others so now you have to deal with it" He's twisting this to his advantage and making me feel guilty because I tried to protect myself!!!!

Tomorrow night he wants to cook dinner at my place and possibly go on a road trip this weekend??!!!! But when he got off the phone last night he said: "Peace" as if I were just a friend instead of "goodbye". He also failed to call me back last night after said he would and then when I stupidly, frantically called him he said "You were worried weren't you? But see, I picked up. I'm just over at Anthony's house chilling" I fear that he's going to try and keep me around until he finds someone else to care for and then take revenge on me by leaving.

I feel like I should just ignore his calls, but my therapist says we were together for two years and obviously care for each other so maybe we should still hang out. I don't even want to see other guys I just want to get over him, but if I ignore him I'LL be the bitch. I am so confused and upset right now. Please give some words to help me through.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: bogigian
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 1:27pm

Wow, that must be confusing for you. It sounds like you need to decide exactly what you want, and then set some boundaries. As in (just as an example), "I'm not interested in dating you while you're dating other people. So please don't call me unless and until you decide that you're ready to date me exclusively".

But then you'd still have the trust/abuse issues, so I'm not sure that would work either. Is he willing to seek counseling?

But what *I'm* really confused about is, why would your therapist recommend that you keep seeing someone who is untrustworthy and abusive, regardless of how long you've been dating each other or whether you care for each other? That doesn't make sense to me. Can you elaborate on that?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
In reply to: bogigian
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 1:55pm
This is the first real session I've had with this therapist, so I don't know. She may not be all that good. She made it seem like I could be overreacting to his behavior as well...I think she got the sense from my story that we care for each other and we do and we've been dating for 2 years, so I shouldn't throw it away...however she also told me to be open to new men...?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: bogigian
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 2:00pm

Hmmm...does she have training in dealing with women in abusive relationships? If not, she may not be the right fit for you...

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
In reply to: bogigian
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 2:04pm

HI,

I am so sorry to hear your story. Couple years ago, I went out with a guy for about two years. He seemed so nice and he seemed like he cared about me; however, he was using me and he cheated on me with 4 different women. Before I have found out, he talked to me about having a family and getting married. Long story short, I tried to stick with him as a friend because he wouldn't let me go. I stayed with him for 6 months hoping that one day he will change and he will date me exclusively. He never did. He also blamed me for everything and he said that I was overreacting.
One day, I found him in bed with some blond chick. That was the end of us and I regretted all the time I spent with him hoping he will change.

Try to make a decision now. If you cannot accept the way he is treating you now, you have to leave him for good and accept your current loses.

Good luck