Still hurting after 4 months..
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| Wed, 02-07-2007 - 12:24am |
Ok,so I haven't posted for a while. I know I did when this first happened. Thought i would get over this by now.
So the history - I had this online (well I guess I will call it romance) because it meant that to me, with a co-worker of mine. No i wasn't seeking an online thing, but it sort of happened. We clicked, we shared laughter and jokes and had a good thing going. We are both unattached.
It turned out that he just didn't want anything to go beyond that online thing. Guess, he wasn't as much into me, as i was into him..(quoting that famous book). But once I tried to break the rule of taking it further, he stopped being even that online friend. It has been really hard to get over this..been 4 months, but I still totally think of him, and cry myself to sleep sometimes. It is like, someone started to mean so much to me and that person is gone. I have tried everything like going out with fiends, taking a holiday, jumping into other hobbies, etc..etc..but nothing seems to lessen the pain.
I meet lots of better looking guys but I always miss that connection I thought i had with my old friend. Now the only rule I have not followed totally is - 'total cold turkey, no contact'. The guy still works for the same company so yes, there are times, though rarely, that we still have to business email. That actually even hurts more. But can't quit job. Any suggestions? When will this really end? I feel so hurt and devasted at times.

Hi gal_summer,
Welcome to the board. It sounds like you are still grieving for the emotional intimacy the two of you shared.
How long did your online relationship go for? It sounds to me like he really wasn't looking for anything more than just an internet buddy. Was there anything actually romantic about your conversations to lead you to believe that there was more to it than just two people keeping each other company on the computer?
I know it's not what you want to hear, but you are probably right in saying that he just wasn't that into you. Or maybe he wanted some more time to figure out his feelings for you and felt too much pressure by your inquiring about taking it away from the computer. I guess I could have better advice if I knew how long you guys were chatting before coming to that.
Look at it this way. He didn't pretend to have feelings for you just to get sex. He didn't lead you on in anyway. It seems like he was pretty straight forward with what he wanted from the beginning which, believe me, is always better than someone who strings you along. That would hurt a lot more.
We got close online for almost a whole year. There wasn't anything overtly said but lots of undercurrents and affectionate emails. A lot of stuff that lead me to think he definitely cared. And yes, definitely a lot of flirting, but obviously,guy was decent and never got brash online. It is just when I wanted to take it further by proposing a meeting, he totally changed, we did meet and have a good time and thought i could continue the friendship. But he stopped any of the old interaction. Probably didnt want to lead me on.
As far as getting over this, yes, sometimes I write letters that I have not sent. What hurts is the caring totally stopped. He ignores anything remotely personal that I would write. A total brush-off. Sometimes I feel like I never said a goodbye, and never had a closure. He never talked openly. I do feel the need to write a last personal letter, a sort of goodbye, but the dicey part is he works in the same company and writing something could be mislead or perceived as harrassment. And I think, what is the point, really. But guess this doesn't stop the hurting. And sometimes you think you finally connected with a person and shared something so common and wonder why that person could just cut off that connection. Oh well. Guess I just have to give it time.
Now I see where you're coming from. A year of flirting is kind of leading you on after all. I don't understand why guys do the things they do anymore. I just broke up with someone because he went from the most caring and affectionate person to "I'm too busy to call". He made me feel special for about a month and then seemed to go out of his way to make sure that I knew I wasn't anything special. When I brought it up to him once his response was "so?".
There are better guys out there. I wouldn't send him any letters because he could bring it to HR - you're right about that. Just give it some time. Maybe he'll come around and, if he doesn't, you'll have met someone else who will feel honored to spend time with you whether on the computer or face to face.
Good luck with everything.
Hi lonelychristine,
Thanks for your message. It really helped. Gosh, your words sound totally like mine," just broke up with someone because he went from the most caring and affectionate person to "I'm too busy to call". He made me feel special for about a month and then seemed to go out of his way to make sure that I knew I wasn't anything special." that totally sums up my case except it went on for a year.
Who knows why guys do what they do and then are too obscure and do the ignore part and hope we disappear. Well, all I can say is we can just learn from the past and move on. And sometimes we think we know the person but we really don't.
Like you said, there will be someone else who will appreciate this and it is ok to grieve for a bit but then we need to move past these guys who were not worth it, to begin with.
Good luck to you too!
Some guys really like the flirting game with no strings, no commitments.
Susan
"Success is building a foundation wit
Hi gal_summer
Welcome to the board.
Hi all -
Thank you so much for those kind messages. It has helped me so much, yes, the thought did cross my mind that he was involved with someone else (though he never admitted to it). Yes, we worked together but from different offices (same state though). I look back at even the daily messages he sent before that abrupt brush-off (once I mentioned I would like to meet him) and nothing in there says anything. By the way, we did end up meeting at a company thing later and had a pleasant time. I think the chemistry was there. But then he went back to his usual ignoring self. Probably couldnt deal with having a relationship at work.
To quote Susan "Obviously he's not ready to deal with you or doesn't want to. It's good you know NOW that this is the way he handles things. That kind of cut and run is very harmful to relationships so you don't want someone like that ANYWAY." This is exactly true. Many times when I noticed his interaction with third parties, this showed up. His way of handling things..guess it is as good that this happened now than later.
Yes, I grew to lean on him for friendship and emotional support and I am learning to let go of that. I did feel what I thought was a connection - we laughed at the same stuff and seemed to have a lot in common. (Else that online email thing wouldn't have lasted..) Sometimes I wonder why he didn't feel any connection. Maybe it was all an illusion.
And yes, I am not sending any letters. They are in my computer and will probably delete them. A guy who can throw away the caring attitude and didn't have the guts to even come out straightforward to break this or talk things out, isn't worth saying goodbye to. I need to just have the closure in myself.
Thanks again for all the messages,HUGS !
Edited 2/8/2007 10:09 pm ET by gal_summer2006