still a lil lost

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
still a lil lost
2
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 10:44am

it will be officially 2 months at the end of next week that we've been broken up and almost 3 weeks of NC on my part.

i frequently ask myself the dreaded "Why" question late at night when i can't sleep. i toss and turn a lot and find it hard to get to sleep, but then when i do, i wake up periodically. i still find myself wondering how he is, what he might be doing or if he misses me at all. i tell myself to stop dwelling on anything related to him. i've only stopped talking about him to friends/family for the last week or so, and it's drastically helped me feel like i have more control over myself.

i tell myself over and over again to remember the hurtful confusing things that he said to me and not the happy moments, so that i know he did me wrong. but it doesn't change the reality that he stopped loving me. lied to me and left me for another woman. sometimes, i wish it didn't end this way and that we could eventually try and be friends, but i have huge trust issue with him and i can't see myself overcoming it anytime soon.

the hard part is that while i was on my longweekend, he apparently has been asking my friends how i am doing. i am grateful enough that they are telling him i am doing great, but what's the point of asking them?

any suggestions to keep me going on NC and help me get through the nights? it's the worst time for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 12:10pm

Hi hun,

I know its soooooooo hard not to contact, just read my pathetic posts, but I KNOW its best not to, and you are doing good!!! I think all the same stuff as you do, and the nights are the WORST, especially when you think of what the two of you do each evening, what favorite shows you watch together, etc....

What I did, when I was in your shoes, FIrst and foremost, I went on this site all day and night, I started getting into TV shows I have never seen before, like Nip-Tuck, rented alot of movies, played online video games, went to bed early... didn't think about him, if he crept into my mind, i thought of something else immediately, I joined the gym, worked out like crazy... which was the most beneficial thing of all, that was 2 1/2 years ago, and today, I am probably in the best shape of my life, have physical confidence, and mental clarity and stability from the gym... NOt to mention, I made new friends, and a special friend who I go to the gym with now daily, and we have become like best girlfriends.... I got a second job bartending in a nightclub, that helped alot, seeing people dressed up, loud music, party atmosphere, showed me other guys were out there, even dated a few great guys, who i wound up dumping for my EX (present jerk) lol... Make a friend online here, I made two special friends on here, going thru the same situations, one in Chicago and one in California, and let me tell you, these two wonderful girls and I would stay up all hours IMing eachother, and that was extremely helpful!!!

Hang in there, its nice out, go get some sun, a healthy glow always makes you feel better too! What is meant to be, will be, so rest assure, whatever is meant for you will happen naturally, not because you chased it. Dont call him, its for the best, trust me, I definately know all about that one.

Hugs,
Weez

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 8:05pm

Oh that why question. You and i should go to a hypnotist or something and get that word taken out of our vocabulary. I find myself asking why when I'm in the middle of a severe breakdown, you know, the crying jag? I do that on the weekend, its become like a ritual of sorts. I hit great days around the middle of the week (yesterday, today and tomorrow) than the weekend comes and no matter what I do to fill my time I end up running home to have a breakdown. Yes nights are tough too. I'll sit in bed and just let my mind wander. I try to focus on the negative, I try to not let myself think of all the great times we had together, but even thinking about bad stuff keeps me thinking about it. In the early days of my breakup (and we are on about the same schedule, I've been broken up about 2 1/2 months and on 5 weeks NC) I would tire myself out completely. Either watching tv or cleaning or anything that would make me hit the pillow and just fall asleep. And yes, I wake myself up to think about it. It was like clock work 4:57am I would wake up and cry until I had to get up for work. I am doing better now and wake myself up at about 6:30ish and lay around for an hour thinking about it. I tried that thought stopping that they tell you about on here - doesn't work for me. Because I can stop myself for a minute or two but then I'm thinking about not thinking about it which is really just still thinking about it, its a vicious cycle.

I didn't think the NC would work. I think it does help now. He was like crack. I would get a fix to make myself feel anything other than the pain. Now I have the pain but no fix and kills. But stick to it and be proud that you did. Really, what would you say anyway? Like that Jewel song "i go 'bout my business, I'm doing fine, besides what would I say if I had you on the line?, same old story, not, much to say, hearts are broken everyday"
I'm a bit different than you because my relationship was long distance so I don't run into anyone he knows and he doesn't run into my friends and ask how I am. I hate that because as far as I know he's completely forgotten I exist. At least you know he still thinks of you enough to inquire. I think sometimes that if i did contact him it would take him a few minutes to remember who I was. That upsests me. I don't know if that's true but I believe it. And really, what will it change anyway? I keep telling myself if he does remember me and does still love me what difference does it make unless he's ready to do something about it?
I don't have very good advice, but i have empathy. I know what its like, for what its worth.