Still making contact
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Still making contact
| Tue, 03-28-2006 - 12:41pm |
Hi all - It's been a little over a month now...my ex broke off our engagement. He's broken up in the past, we've been together 5 and 1/2 yrs. and slowly would come back around by calling then inviting me to go see him. We don't live in the same state. I was counting the days last week and he contacted me either two-way message, email or vm for a whole week. NC this week-end but not sure if that's because he had his boys. Then he two-wayed me last night and ended up calling after we messaged a few times. My friends keep telling me to tell him no contact unless he wants to get back together but I can't for the life of me seem to find the strength. I know there are some guys out there on the board, from a male perspective what could he be thinking?? Or even from a female perspective any ideas?? Is he just lonely? If you break up with someone do you generally keep in touch that way? Hellp!!

Grief is a powerful emotion. If you give into it, to feel better, by contacting the person you have strong feelings about, it usually adds to confuse both parties. Someone once told me, 'of course I miss my ex, but I know if I wait 24 hours my frame of mind will have changed and I will be glad I didn't call.'
It's easy to rely on a long time relationship even if it doesn't have a long-term future. It's easy to get attention, reassurance that you are wanted/needed/desired, and it's a good short-term fix for an ego stoke.
Could he be committmentphobic? Have you read any books on the subject?
He contacts you because he can, because you allow it. You have to determine what you want and go from there.
Carrie
Hi this is from a man so please bear with me... Going through a similar situation myself.....I've read and reread a LOT of the post on this board.
And heres where I"m a little confused...We ALL agree that breakups are extremelly difficult. But are ALL breakups permanent? or are SOME just "blips" within a relationship with 2 people? And we DO KNOW that some are for the absolute best. Other breakups are maybe a timeout so to speak...? Tough question that I think we all have to sort through perhaps as each relationship/and breakup is different.
I understand the theory behind the NC for healing if there is no hope or desire to a mutual reconcilliation, BUT what if there is??? Is it not possible that the time spent apart can bring SOME couples closer together in the long run?
Thats where personally, we're at and it appears that things are working out for the best but time will tell either way. I feel that each person on this board has to seek out an answer to what they really want and how to achieve it.
Good luck:)
Carrie
If it's a break/timeout, then how can it be at all useful if you're still in contact with each other? The only way to tell if the other person really wants to be with you is if they aren't able to have the benefit of your company, talking to you, etc...otherwise they are just having their cake and eating it too.
Besides, I don't believe healthy relationships and/or individuals NEED breaks. They work out any problems IN the relationship.
Sheri
In a nutshell...he probably wants the benefits of your relationship but not the obligations.
And as someone else mentioned...if he has commitment issues, many c'phobes cannot commit fully to a breakup any more than they can commit fully to a relationship.
But ultimately, WHY he's doing this doesn't matter, unless he wants to try again (but would you really TRUST him if that were the case given your history)? What matters is that YOU need to heal...and you can only do so if you don't have contact.
Sheri