Still making contact

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Still making contact
8
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 12:41pm
Hi all - It's been a little over a month now...my ex broke off our engagement. He's broken up in the past, we've been together 5 and 1/2 yrs. and slowly would come back around by calling then inviting me to go see him. We don't live in the same state. I was counting the days last week and he contacted me either two-way message, email or vm for a whole week. NC this week-end but not sure if that's because he had his boys. Then he two-wayed me last night and ended up calling after we messaged a few times. My friends keep telling me to tell him no contact unless he wants to get back together but I can't for the life of me seem to find the strength. I know there are some guys out there on the board, from a male perspective what could he be thinking?? Or even from a female perspective any ideas?? Is he just lonely? If you break up with someone do you generally keep in touch that way? Hellp!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 2:28pm

Grief is a powerful emotion. If you give into it, to feel better, by contacting the person you have strong feelings about, it usually adds to confuse both parties. Someone once told me, 'of course I miss my ex, but I know if I wait 24 hours my frame of mind will have changed and I will be glad I didn't call.'

It's easy to rely on a long time relationship even if it doesn't have a long-term future. It's easy to get attention, reassurance that you are wanted/needed/desired, and it's a good short-term fix for an ego stoke.

Could he be committmentphobic? Have you read any books on the subject?

He contacts you because he can, because you allow it. You have to determine what you want and go from there.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 3:14pm

Hi this is from a man so please bear with me... Going through a similar situation myself.....I've read and reread a LOT of the post on this board.

And heres where I"m a little confused...We ALL agree that breakups are extremelly difficult. But are ALL breakups permanent? or are SOME just "blips" within a relationship with 2 people? And we DO KNOW that some are for the absolute best. Other breakups are maybe a timeout so to speak...? Tough question that I think we all have to sort through perhaps as each relationship/and breakup is different.

I understand the theory behind the NC for healing if there is no hope or desire to a mutual reconcilliation, BUT what if there is??? Is it not possible that the time spent apart can bring SOME couples closer together in the long run?

Thats where personally, we're at and it appears that things are working out for the best but time will tell either way. I feel that each person on this board has to seek out an answer to what they really want and how to achieve it.

Good luck:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 3:21pm
I can see your point - but her relationship is going back and forth over a 5 1/2 yr period - that's a lot of agony and makes getting back together more difficult - what did they do, who did they date, did they sleep with someone else.....etc.


Carrie

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 7:45pm

If it's a break/timeout, then how can it be at all useful if you're still in contact with each other? The only way to tell if the other person really wants to be with you is if they aren't able to have the benefit of your company, talking to you, etc...otherwise they are just having their cake and eating it too.

Besides, I don't believe healthy relationships and/or individuals NEED breaks. They work out any problems IN the relationship.

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 7:49pm

In a nutshell...he probably wants the benefits of your relationship but not the obligations.

And as someone else mentioned...if he has commitment issues, many c'phobes cannot commit fully to a breakup any more than they can commit fully to a relationship.

But ultimately, WHY he's doing this doesn't matter, unless he wants to try again (but would you really TRUST him if that were the case given your history)? What matters is that YOU need to heal...and you can only do so if you don't have contact.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 11:15am
You're right no contact, at least for 60 days & I guarantee you after that time is up, you'll feel a whole lot different. It's been 1 month for me, one more month to go. To be honest, I don't think about him or feel the same way so I'm actually where I want to be. NO CONTACT IS THE BEST WAY TO GO..GOOD LUCK...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2006
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 4:01pm
What if in the end you do want to get back together? Is staying in contact the only or the best way for that to happen? If a relationship ends but both people still have strong feelings for each other wouldn't it make more sense to stay in contact to see if the spark will come back?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 4:36pm
No, let go & use us as your support system. He will choke you emotionally until you have nothing left, I should know. Right now I feel really good & that is because I don't even look forward to any type of contact, he used me emotionally, financially etc., & I deserve better than that, so do you. You sound like an individual who deserves better & can accomplish just that. Once you let him back in, trust me he'll continue to repeat & feel as if you settle & take any type of treatment from him. Be strong & believe in yourself, you can & will do it..Keep in contact as long as you need to.