Still not ready to date (m)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Still not ready to date (m)
9
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 3:44pm

Hi All,

I haven't posted for awhile. It will be 2 months starting 12/1 that I have had no contact.

You all have been very supportive here...just want to say thanks. For as depressed as I have been I did muster up the courage to ask a guy out last week. He said he'd call...well he didn't. Then he has the nerve to talk to me like nothing happenned. I hate that. I was cool about it & as I was looking at him & smiling sweetly, I just was cursing him in my mind. Then I went out with someone yesterday who I have known for a year. I just felt he was so all over me..not physically but in words & it just turned me off. It remined me how intense I can be. I mean it was nothing offensive, just well...it just made me go "whoa, let's just see how things go". I even tried the yahoo personals for a month...same people on match. Even when I emailed about 10 guys...I get rejected. They don't respond. I did meet a couple of guys, but nothing great.

I realized I just really don't want to date. I am almost bored but yet I am lonely. I feel so jaded & just discouraged at times.

Anyway, can you relate?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 4:31pm

I can totally relate...I get very jaded and discouraged about dating, but I also keep forcing myself to get out there, because I do want to be in a relationship and I'm not going to meet anyone if I don't take action.

I think you need to give OLD longer than a month...10 guys not responding is nothing, LOL ;-). But if you're not feeling up to dealing with it, you're not.

That was brave of you to ask someone out...I'm of the mind that if a guy is really interested, he'll ask you out so I don't bother to ask guys out any more. But you gave it a try...good for you.

Maybe taking the holiday season to focus on family, friends and yourself is a good idea, then you can revisit dating in January.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 7:42pm

Well, it's been about a year and a half since my breakup, but I'll be honest ... it was 6 months before I was truly interested in another guy- that didn't go anywhere, but he's still a good friend of mine. Recently I met someone who I think is very special. I'm not sure what will happen there (I'm probably cursing myself!) but I'm glad I just took time out for myself before getting right back into dating.


Just follow your instincts and you'll know when it's the right time for you!

-----------------------------------

"You get what you settle for"...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 8:04pm
I can relate too. I actually just posted something similar. It is really discouraging--it's as if you have to develop thick skin if you want to date. I agree, I think you do have to put yourself out there if you want to be in a relationship, but it's so easy to become jaded. I know I feel that way when listening to guys-- I often have this automatic internal thought that says, "He's lying" because I've been lied to before. Then I think all guys are liars. But then I have to remember that's not true... and I list off all the decent guys I know...
I often feel lonely too but I like to remind myself that I'd rather be alone than in an unhappy relationship.
At least know that you're not the only one in this situation. I'm still believing that there's someone good out there for each of us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 5:03pm
Thank you everyone for your posts & support. It really helps!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2005
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 9:33pm

Oh, I can definitely relate to how you're feeling. The good news is that I do feel more over my ex than ever before, and that's a relief. Each day, and week, it really does keep getting better. But it doesn't change the bottom line that I am now alone, and want to be in a happy successful relationship.

It is so hard to deal with more rejection though at this point. I feel like it's just easier to be alone than to try dating. I am in an extremely casual occassional thing with someone new, and it's causing me so much anxiety. On one hand, it makes me happy that someone else out there wants me, and yet since he doesn't seem that into me, it makes me feel bad. I have already been given the advice to stay away from this type of thing, but if you only knew how cute he was :)

Anyway, I am glad you posted this - I don't think OLD is something you can do half heartedly. Wait until you're feeling ready and really want to try it again. And if the totally right guy comes along in the meantime, I think you will make yourself ready. While breaking up is certainly difficult, moving on is also difficult. Hang in there!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 10:53pm

Here's a list I kept from another board:

You probably aren't ready to date again if:
- You have maintained any sexual relationship with your ex.
- You still live with your ex, even platonically.
- You are still wearing a ring, carrying a photo, or defining yourself as part of a couple.
- You are stalking, following, harassing or frequently thinking about your ex.
- You continue to harbor overwhelming negative feelings about your ex.
- You continue to cry or be angry about the circumstances of your last relationship.

You're probably ready to date if you feel capable of facing any of the following:
- Being rejected when asking for a dance, phone number or date.
- Answering questions about your last relationship.
- Navigating misunderstandings and disagreements.
- Working through the various issues that are bound to come up.
- Rejecting someone honestly and kindly.
- Identifying, accepting and admitting strong feelings for someone new.
- Allowing yourself to be open and vulnerable, and to one day love and be loved.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 1:21pm

Well 5 out of 6 ain't bad!! Seriously we were never sexual. It has been 60 days of no contact. I read the Breakup Buddy book by the same autrhor of "He's just not that into you". It helped. The best thing about dating the last guy is I am more guarded. I need to be. I mean I am an open person, but I don't know...I just don't trust people's intentions as much. There is a song by Kelly Clarkson "Because of YOu". I can relate but then I realize I am giving this last guy way too much of my power.

What I am processing is the pain & the whys. I am glad but I really am too gunshy to date again. What I am tackling in addition is that I got feedback from friends that tell me I'm way too critical so now I am questioning who I really am & of course why I am not in a relationship/never been married. It's like a whole prize-fighting show in my head.

Anyway...thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 10:21pm

I know I'm a little late on this one, but I have definitely felt the way you do.

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 3:27pm

I really felt the same way yesterday. I had my first date after my breakup (1.5 months). This guy seems really interested in me. Calling me a lot to ask me out and even called me this morning to tell me how much he had fun last night. The truth is I wasn't having so much fun last night. I was thinking about my ex and comparing the new guy with my ex. Afterward, I started missing my ex more and more, and I felt so lonely being without ex. I felt so stupid doing this and realized that I'm totally not ready to get into the dating things yet.

As someone's message said, I'll try to focus on myself for a while. I'll go back home to see my family during the Christmas and the New Year.