Still Sleeping Together After A Break Up

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Still Sleeping Together After A Break Up
9
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 6:24pm

Hello, I am a female, who has been involve for the past eight (8) years. We have broken up many times and keep getting back together. He has moved on, I know that he has been seeing other persons. We still do all the things that is expected in a relationship. But I am not happy.

Every time I attempt to date someone else, he interferes, actually, I allow it. But I want to move on, with or without someone else.

He is doing all that he wants to do and seeing who he wants to but gets upset and express hurt when I as much as go to the movies with someone else. Please note that he is not abusive in any way. He is always pleasant. I think this is what often confuses me that he cares. I know that he doesn't care but he just does not allow the relationship to end. I am not sure that I love him still.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 7:25pm

Your subject title caught me, as I too am sleeping with my ex even after 3 months of having been broken up. But we were together for 4 years and it's incredibly tough to let go and I know that at some level I'm using the sex as a way to remain close and intimate. So I feel your pain and confusion.

On one hand, you are pleased and happy that he still wants you in that way. Sometimes, his advances are even taken as an indication that perhaps he's willing to try things again. At the same time, it's obvious that he doesn't want the relationship that your still hoping will be rekindled.

Right now, I'm going through the struggle of trying to figure out whether having him in my life like this is okay and tolerable. But, I know I am worth more than he can give me. And, although I really have no clue who you are I'm sure you too are worth more than he can provide!!! Somehow we have to find a way to move on beyond this stage that we are at....but unfortunately, I just have no idea how to simply begin.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 6:53am
The tittle caught my eye as well. My ex and I have been in limbo land for almost 2 months now. We broke up, but yet we didn't - it was confusing. I still saw him and slept with him once/twice a week. When we were together everything was perfect again - but that just kept me in the denial stage. He has fallen apart. Spinning out of control & has no interest in fixing his life. He drinks A LOT, and goes on binges for days. Although the intimacy gave me hope, it was always false hope.
This past weekend was the last time I saw him, and ever will. It was a nice normal weekend, no "drama" - just like things used to be & it was wonderful. But he snapped again. By 5am yesterday morning harsh words had been spoken and it was agreed to never call, write or any contact at all with each other - ever again. This would have been easier if I had not still been sleeping with him. However - as I said before, it gave me false hope.
If you know the relationship is over, or bad for you - stop with the intimacy. It is a hard choice to make but it skews reality in ways that will only hurt you in the end.
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 1:51pm

If you've broken up and are still sleeping with him you're in a terrible situation. I can hear your pain and frustration. It's easy enough for me to say, "Leave him today" but I know that's easier said than done. It sounds like you're completely under his control and have little will of your own. That's a bad situation to be in.

One thing you wrote that really struck me is:
I know that he doesn't care but he just does not allow the relationship to end.

He doesn't have to allow the relationship to end. You don't need his permission to end the relationship. Once you decide that this is just too painful for you to continue, that it's eroding your sense of self, your good feelings, your respect and admiration for yourself, once you decide that this relationship is making you miserable, then you leave him whether he wants you to or not. But first you have to make that decision and be 100% sure about it. That's the hard part.

We're here for you. Feel free to vent, cry, lean on my shoulder and get it all out. We can support each other through these hard times. We're all in the same boat here. We're all suffering and trying to help each other through difficult breakups.

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 1:56pm

The hard part is deciding it has to end. Once you make the decision it's easier to do. It sounds like you KNOW this isn't a good situation, that it's a painful situation, but you're vaccilating because you still love him. He's using you, or using him, or you're using each other. People who love each other don't use each other.

You said:
"I'm going through the struggle of trying to figure out whether having him in my life like this is okay and tolerable. But, I know I am worth more than he can give me."

It sounds like you know you're in an intolerable situation but you've chosen it because the alternative -- never seeing him again -- seems less tolerable to you. Either way, you're between a rock and a hard place.

The advantage of choosing leaving him is if you leave and cease all contact, it may hurt like hell for a while, but you will heal and have the opportunity to meet someone new who will value you and appreciate your strength and beauty. If you say it's going to be more of the same for a long time to come. And the longer you stay the harder it is to leave. (Actually, I don't really believe that. Sometimes the longer you stay the easier it is to leave because at the end you're just so fed up with not getting what you want that you just can't take it anymore ... )

We're here for you. (((((HUGS)))))

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sun, 05-28-2006 - 9:25pm
my ex and i broke up two months ago, and no matter how hard we try, we either fight or end up having fun and sleeping together. its always good, and i always feel great for a couple of days but then i get hope again. and i start asking him about it and we say harsh things and the cycle begans again. then we stop, we agree not to talk, to see each other...
weve tried everything. but in the end, im still in love him, and im not sure where he is. i cant say its a good thing, but its hard not to do. id say, if you really want to get over him and end the pain, then stop sleeping with him. its hard though. i cant even do it.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 9:13am

Thank you all for you comments.

It brought tears as I read everything. I am so fimiliar with it. I know what I need to do ... but just don't seem to be able to do it ... and stick to it. I most definitely agreed that I am in denial. Thinking that when he wants to be with me, he goes all out, all out!!! And silly me begins to feel special, thinking that he cares. Like you said, you don't hurt a person if you care about them.

Additionally, why this is so painful. I have for many years been that support for family and friends, I am the problem solver, usually without having to take a side or point fingers at any of the victims. We are all humans. I do have a natural gift for such, even strangers have been sent to me and have turned to me, after just meeting me for a short time.

Why then is it so difficult to apply the same direction to myself. I am truly frustrated. Some days I am so sad, I feel so disappoint with myself. The truth however, as long as there is no contact, I am pretty good. I am great. But then, it's that fear of going out and seeing him. To avoid that, I would usually stay away from places I think he will be. Yes, that is restricting and cheating myself, but it is worth it. The pain is too much. But then again he always find me. To make these wonderful, lying promises. Not that I still fall for them. My social life is so limited that I welcome the companionship. Someone to talk to, have dinner with, share wine on the patio, laugh even if for a few moments. And the sometimes getting out and being away from home when I go to his.

Additionally, I do not have many friends who are not married, and we all know how that goes. Then most of us, as long as everything is good with us, we forget that we too once had a "bad time." I know I would appreciate that, I would hope to meet at least two nice genuine persons who like to laugh and would enjoy going out, it doesn't matter. A movie, my home, your home, have lunch or prepare together, simply share interests. Be there for each other. Male or female. I know it is usually difficult to have male friends who do not eventually become attracted to you and then mess things up. I just would like great friendships. Where there is an allegience to each other. This I believe will help me to get out of of this mucky situation. We all need support. I know that I need it right now.

I dislike myself for allowing this, and then allowing it for so long. I know that I deserve better. I knwo it is silly. I know even know why I care about him.

.... I do not want to continue like this, it is draining me.

Once again thank you all. It is has been so difficult to talk about it.

Thank you, thank you, thank you all!!!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 12:07pm
I should probably post my warning right now. I've been doing this for the last year. We were together three years we broke up and for the last year it's been back and forth, back and forth. I even went as far as to break up with a guy I was dating because he asked me back. Him wanting me back lasted about 2 weeks. Honestly I believe he wants to see if there is someone better out there, but wants to make sure I'm in the back ground waiting for him in case he decides there isn't better out there. I've been strong the last couple months but then when my birthday rolled around he started to text again and wants to come to my party as a "friend". I love him and it's always hard to tell him no but I've been doing so well these last couple months that I'm afraid the vicious cycle will get started again. I do want to be his friend, but I'm worried it's too soon. Honestly as corny as it sounds the book "it's called a break up because it's broke and he's just no that into you" helped me a lot. You know all the right answers in your head but sometimes you just need them spelled out to you. I'm going to do my best to be strong this weekend and either let him know he is not welcome...or maybe invite a couple cute friends that I wouldn't mind flirting with to keep me distracted. It's easy to tell you, that you should cut off contact but it takes everyone their own pace. Just remember the longer you keep him around the harder it will be to finally move and meet a guy that truly deserves you! Every girl deserves the all-consuming can't live without it love, and if he can't give that to you, you need to be looking around for someone who can!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 4:06pm

i slept with my ex on sat,urg....i thought it meant something to...coz before it happened he said if i tired to get some new he would hit them...great...lovely he kept holing me and saying that he missed me and i stupid me belived him...then now he doesn't want anything....why do we do this to ourselves me ARE WORTH MORE,MEN WHO LOVES US AND GIVE US MORE!!!

we will survive...!! "and you see me somebody new i am not that chained up little person still in love withyou,...iam saving my love for somebody who loves me"

lets try and do the same stupid men=p...i hope that helps a bit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 10:39am

the tittle cat my eye also. i did the same thing sleeping with him after break up, that hoping doing this is give us a closer, but still the sameway. i saw him yesterday at work in i try hard not to have a eye contack with him and i did, but it hurt me so much, you and me i think where in the same boat, but i'm trying to move on one day at the time....

GOOD-LUCK..