Still Spinning from Fresh Breakup

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2003
Still Spinning from Fresh Breakup
7
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 1:07am

I went away to cancun and my boyfriend broke up with me on the day of my best friends wedding. For me it was completely out of the blue. We've been together for almost two years. Less than a week ago I thought he was going to propose. Then we got to spend the next 24 hours together...I had to sleep in the same bed, ride in the same car and sit next to him on the plane. My mother even picked us up at the airport. By the time we got back to my place...he told me he changed his mind. He didn't want to break up. he loved me. He was being stupid.

I was so confusued. Mentally I was still trying to get over everything he had said that morning. We got back together, stupidity or shock on my part...which I realized later and forced him to tell me why he changed his mind. I was scared that I talked him into staying with me. I thought that he still didn't love me, he was just afraid of being alone or breaking up.

To make this long story short. We broke up again this friday. About a week or so later. This time my first instinct was relief. I couldn't trust him. He was telling me so many different things I didn't know what was true and what was not. To make things worse I discovered some of the qualities I had loved about him were not really things that he believed in. He was keeping them secret from me. Or afraid to share them with me so he simply went along with whatever was appropriate at the time.

I've cried. We've exchanged stuff. I've removed certain sentimental items. But this new years eve was very hard. Hard because I thought we would grow old together, because I don't meet a lot of men, haven't had many relationships and can't imagine how i am going to meet someone else who meets my needs the way he did. Most of all I am very angry. Not at him but at fate or god or some higher being because I feel like everyone around me gets to be in relationships, get married, have kids...etc. I've always been on the sidelines, watching other people. I thought this was my chance. It was my break. Now I have to start all over. How do you tell yourself you are an amazing person when someone else tells you that you are not good enough for them? How do you listen to that over and over, get rejected over and over and still go on. I thought real love could conquer all. That what we had was worth fighting for. It turns out he's just like every other guy, and I guess they only fight for thin beautiful women. Sense of humor, intelligence, a successful career. None of that ever matters.

I'm just so tired, and so lonely. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to get through another breakup. One minute I am fine, confident that we should be moving on, the next minute I'm running home to check my messages to see if he called. Thinking that the time apart will be good. He will realize he loves me and come crawling back. But even if he does, what would I do? We'd get back together and I'd spend more sleepless nights worrying about when he is going to leave again.

How do you survive a breakup?

Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 5:23am

Hey you

Wow - your situation is a tough one - what a rough time of year to split too - I really feel for you.

In my opinion, it's normal to want the 'happy ending' to your relationship (are we suppose to want for something tragic? Come on!). We've all been there - the lonely nights, the self doubt, the wondering if you'll find someone else who's willing and able to 'step up' and actually participate in a real, adult relationship (which is what I think you want), wondering if you have the heart to try again, wondering how you'll ever survive this. It sucks to find our hopes dashed or shredded or inhialated - whatever the case may be. It sucks so bad. Trust me - I get it.

You have these moments of absolute certainty that this is the best decision... but you can't help but miss him. You don't want to - you want to be the strong woman who moves on from such bullsh*t because you KNOW you deserve better, blah blah blah.

I know you're hurting. There's nothing I can say to make that go away - I wish I had the secret formula - really I do. But I know from personal experience that everyday you'll check your messages less and less often. The day will come when the phone rings and you don't wonder if it's him. The day will come when you'll stop wondering if he'll stop by with a bouquet and promises of everlasting devotion. The day will come when you don't feel like an amputee walking around with half your heart ripped out. You'll let him go - as impossible as it is to imagine right now. That day will come.

A lot of people on this board advocate no contact. I guess I'm one of them, as it seems that sustaining contact seems to sustain the agony of it all. I know it did for me. But you be the judge. This is YOUR life, after all.

But let's say - for the sake of argument if for no other reason - that he comes crawling back. Let's just imagine... what do you say? How would you feel lying next to someone who knowingly broke your heart night after night? Could you forgive it? This is not a judgement by any means - just a question. I (sadly) also know from personal experience that it's WAAAY easier to forgive than forget. I never forgot. Not really - not completely. I wish I could have. I hope you can - if that day comes. Just sayin'.

Good luck and let us know how it's going.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 9:05am

I totally know how you are feeling. I moved 7hrs to be with my boyfriend 4 yrs ago. I thought it was fate (we met on the internet and talked for 2 yrs before we finally met-- it was great)
My boyfriend and I lately seem to be touch and go but I always felt it was mainly due to stress at work and home b/c his lazy mooch of a brother has been living with us now for 6 mths unemployeed with no end in sight.
My boyfriend called me mid week to tell me he was going to visit a friend 2 hrs away for the night and he'd be back tomorrow. I was a bit annoyed b/c I don't feel that he's been spending any time with me lately but he has time for this. Okay whatever. This is usually a guy who blows up my phone all the time and he didn't even bother to call me until the next day after I get out of work and tell me he's staying another night. Okay, now I'm really getting bothered but then he does it again. Of course I push him b/c I'm at my wits end and he tells me out of the blue that he think he wants to be with me that we've grown apart and he thinks I should move back to with family which is 7 hrs away.
He won't take my calls and he hasn't called me and to top it off, he didn't even come home for New Years. I've been crying for days and I'm sure my family is sick to death of hearing it but thank god they are supportive of me.
It just sucks b/c my heart is broken and I feel so stupid for not seeing this coming.
I don't know how to live my life and not have him in it. I know it sounds soooo stupid but he's been my life for 7 years now and I don't know how to not talk to him a zillion times a day every day. It kills me to not call him, which I'm trying really hard not to do b/c he obviosly doesn't want to talk to me. Yes I've broken down and called a few times and this is probably just fueling the fire and I need to stop but it's hard.

What am I supposed to do? We live together in a 2 bedroom apartment with our dog (which I'll take in a custody battle-smile)and his brother. I don't know when he'll be coming him (he doesn't work until next week). I'm in the process of looking for a job back home where my entire family is but it doesn't make me feel any better right now.

Any advise? To be honest, I know what I need to do, I just don't want to do it I guess.
I'm just the kind of girl that stands and fights it out until it's a nightmare and there is no other option.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2003
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 3:07pm

Thank you for your words. It is nice to be reminded that everday people are going through the same heartache, asking themselves the same questions and somehow manage to survive. With each hour that passes I become more and more convinced that this was the right decision for both of us. I can't forgive him for the lies and the hurt. Most importantly learing that he is not the man I fell in love with.

As much as I hate being alone (my closest friends are all living in different states now), I'm realizing that I need to focus on me. I wanted someone to accept me for who I was when the truth is I haven't yet accepted myself. I'm pretty good for most of the day and then wham it sneaks up on me. The realization that our relationship is over, that I am single. That I don't have someone to hold at night or kiss in the morning. I suppose you just take it one day at a time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2005
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 3:56pm

Hi Melli.

Thanks for your kind words. I am sorry to hear that we are in the same boat, but it will get better ;)

I think what is going on a lot besides the hurt, anger, resentment, etc. is that we have to go through psychological and physical adjustments during this time. Even if it makes sense that things ended in your head, your heart isn't synced up with that and then the opposite happens (at least for me) I think is what is going on. Depending on how strong the attachment was and how deep emotions ran, I think we can def go thru withdrawal. If you haven't read the book Its Called A BreakUp B/c It's Broken, you might want to b/c it has some great thoughts in it.

I am looking fwd to getting over this asap. Not to hijack your post but I was OK until I got a text msg from him last night saying "Happy New Year, and have a great 2007". Take Care. WTF Did I need reinforcement that he is done or what? This is not a break it is over and I didn't need more dirt kicked in my face to realize that. I didn't respond to that txt but I sent him one a bit ago asking when he would be available this wk to exchange crap. No response as of yet. I know recovery will have to start over from when that takes place, but some of the things I have I can't mail and I'm not wasting $ on sending him his s*** b/c I can't put my big girl pants on. I have a friend who lives close to him where I am going to store my w/d and my awesome friend offered to facilitate the switchout so I don't even have to see him. I don't want to see him really b/c I really can't say what I would do but it wouldn't be affectionate. As long as I can get my stuff back with no fuss, I'll be good.

Hang in there Melli and vent all you want here, I am sure in the next several weeks, etc. I will be doing the same.

:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 5:20pm

The grief process is hard and it hurts.

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 9:19pm
Hey Mel
Our stories sound the same. I have been with my guy for 2 1/2 yrs and live together with him. This New Years Eve, things hit the fan. He seemend like he wasn't into it and I wasn't really comfortable with these friends that his brother brought along so I decided I would have a llittle fun but stay with him. Around 11:40 I asked him if he thought we should just get a taxi back to the hotel we were staying at. He just screamed out "No would you just stop asking me what's wrong...no more questions." Needless to say I ran out crying my eyes out. Then after a few minutes I went back in and he was gone....I asked his brother where he was and he said he didn't know.. I walked out again to find him....found him and all he said was " would you leave me alone!!!" ok that was it. So we make it to 12:00 and then our ride comes and we all go back to the hotel...I go right back into the room and just cry myself to sleep...He never once comes in to check on me--which hurt. So the next day we talk and he says he needs out. Ok what else am I going to say....Last night we went to bed together and it was so weird.. I wanted to touch him and be close but I didn't know where we were. Tonight he comes home and asks me if we are still together??? I don't know I said. I thought it was over. So who knows right now but anyways....breaking up is so hard....this has been my longest relationship and so I don't know what to do ... you want to be with them but you know it's going to be the same thing all over again....But how do you start over right??? All I know is do what's in your heart if you can tell. And always be yourself even if you are with someone...Don't change--you can't change anyone so don't change your self.
Hope a little helped. THere is no answers to surviveing a break up...I just say don't look at any photos and don't think of the memories. Try to keep yourself busy....Write in a journal---it really helps.
Casey

So my ex and I dated for 3 years lived together for 2. We have been broken up for 1.5 years. It was a mutual brk up. I moved 2 hours away about a year ago and often go back home and visit. We did keep in touch for the first year then

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 10:42pm
Okay girls, I am the saddest girl right now. I'm 34 yrs old and as previouly stated in another message my b/f and I just broke up. Casey, like you we live together and have for the past 4 yrs. Now he's decided that he doesn't want a g/f and that he wants to just be by himself. I am broken hearted and feel like life is over. How am I going to pick up after talking to him for 7 yrs and living with him for 4 of that. I can't do it.
I'm originally from upstate NY and he thinks I should move back to be with my family.
He's running away from something and I hate that it's me.
He's staying at a friends house right now and gosh it breaks me heart, just knowing that he's not here with me kills me.
I told him that I wanted to talk and he said he really doesn't want to do that b/c he knows I'll get my hopes up and he doesn't want that. What in the world am I supposed to do?