Still in a Spiral
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| Thu, 01-31-2008 - 8:50am |
My original post: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=24898.1&ctx=128
I'm having a hard time coming to terms with this break-up. Actually, it was a broken engagement.
We were long distance. I guess it got the best of us. I visited Japan over the summer and since I have been back we fought over the stupidest things. I had a tendency to "test" and threaten and he had enough.
He says he loves me. But, did he just not love me enough? I just cannot believe he doesn't want to work on this. It hurts that he doesn't want to wait to see if I can change. (I've already started counseling for my insecurities.)
My ego is hurt. How am I able to be left so easily? How come he didn't want to try to work on this? How is he able to just pretend I never existed?
I am having a hard time dealing with the regret. I really did treat him like crap. And, he treated me like a queen. I feel so awful for the way I acted. I really do think once I work on my issues we would be great together.
He comes home in May. I asked if he had any desire to see me when he got back. He never responded. I know I am supposed to do no contact. But, I am afraid if I don't talk to him he will forget all about me and this never will have a chance.
I'm still holding onto hope that we will reconcile in May.

Hey lushassgrl -
I don't think he can easily forget about you, I don't think that he didn't love you enough, I don't think he could leave you so easily and pretend that you don't exist.
I was insecure with my previous boyfriend. I also tested him. I never thought he really loved me and I would always "test" him. He constantly told me he loved me, always "passed the tests" but still I never really completely let up. It was all about me and my insecurities. He was great and when he got frustrated with my insecurities I would always think that he didn't love me enough. It was like, "See? you don't love me!" But later I realized that there is only so much a man can take.
You're guy probably got fed up with trying to reassure you all the time. He couldn't take it anymore. Even though he loved you so much, he saw that no matter how many times he "passed the tests" you were always going to be testing him. There was only so much he could take.
Please don't beat yourself up over the fact that you treated him less that perfect. I'm sure he understands that you have issues that you have to deal with and that you do love him. You are doing everything you can do to get better.
If I were you, I would just continue on my way to building my self esteem. I'm so happy that you're going to therapy. I started after my breakup and it has really helped me.
When May rolls around you can see where you're head is at and contact him if you want to. But if you contact him, I hope you're at this place where you will be okay if you're with him or not.
If you guys are meant to be, then you will be. Just continue to focus on yourself. And don't blame him for not wanting to work on this with you. I'm sure you guys have gone through a lot and you both have tried to work on things. But know that he did (probably does) love you but love cannot endure constant testing. Focus on you. This time apart will help you both.
Good luck to you.
Hi r2boston
wow..you just told my story.
Well, unless nothing of the breakup sinks in, none of its lessons that you need to let go of your insecurities for your own sake, that you can't go around using people as your personal emotional punching bags, then there's honestly no reason as things stand now why you couldn't find a way to reconcile.
A person can only take so much. No one is obligated, not even if they love you more than anything or anyone else in the world, to put up with your crap. There, I said it. Realize that when you do things like exhibit and lash out your insecurity on people, it really only hurts you in the end, so cut it out. You can feel insecure, I don't think there's a normal person alive who hasn't felt that at times, but do not inflict it on other people, learn to control it and bypass it.
Stop with the negativity, because it's pretty much impossible to improve your self-esteem when you're constantly beating yourself up. And it's pretty dang hard to get really happy if your self-esteem sucks. Focus on learning to make yourself happy instead of wanting someone else to do it, learn that people can only love you as much as you love yourself, then you'll be able to start having normal, decent, fun conversations with him again which will be crucial to him finding you attractive enough to try again.
That should take a few months, so get cracking; May's just around the corner.