still thinking of him daily

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
still thinking of him daily
14
Thu, 03-27-2008 - 11:27pm

So confused... want to end all contact including friendship... need some advise.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2008
Mon, 04-07-2008 - 6:06am

These posts struck such a chord with me!


It kinda made me realise how similiar my situation is to a lot of other peoples's out there! My ex and I were together 2 and a half years and we split 6 weeks ago - partly my doing, mostly his!


Pretty much all

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
Mon, 04-07-2008 - 10:21am

Gal,


A MAMA ISSUE!


Thought I was alone on this board with one! But one thing I've learned is that I'm never alone!


I got along with my ex's mom GREAT at first. My ex had made a comment to me when we were friends; he said "I don't know if I could date someone that my mom didn't like, so the fact that she likes you is great!"... I was taken back by this extremely, but let it slide.


To make a long story short, I had a job offer in another state about 6 months ago; still early in our "dating realm"....I told him about it, he took it "OK", and then he got home (where he lives with mommy at age 25) and he basically had a nervous breakdown. His mother then turned and hated me because "I upset her son, and she felt that the way that I presented the job to him, was my way of testing his love for me, to see if he loved me enough to stay..." A week or so later, I phoned her to talk to her, and she said that "Things about me bothered her..." i.e, the nicknames that

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2008
Mon, 04-07-2008 - 3:40pm

sorry this is so long im having a pretty rough day and trying to sort through some things..

reading all your posts had made me think. so called "mommy issues" can be more deep seated than i first thought.

my ex actually deeply resents his mother (even though he'll dabble back and forth between resentment and acceptance) and therefore treats women well, and basically worships them, but ends up resenting them for doing anything his mother did (she depended on him emotionally and she would cry to my ex about all her problems and basically use him as a therapist his whole life). his mother is also very narcissistic and self loving, and i don't think she has ever seen that she did her son wrong. he takes on many of her traits, due to being raised primarily by her, and by her views.

he never had a mother in a sense, she was always more like a sister to him who would NOT hear his problems, and his stepfather(s) would tell him to be a man, and not cry. she would never take care of him in that way. he had to take care of himself emotionally. he said as a child he was overly sensitive because of his mother's constant relationships and divorces. she would only talk about herself and her life with no concern for her son's well being.

in turn he is attracted to women like his mother but also resents them if something goes wrong due to their emotionality, or finds ways to believe that person wasn't right for him. his mother constantly pushes him away and then calls him out of nowhere to apologize and he lets her right back in. his mother is like his puppet master. he moved 2 states away to get away from her and his dad's family, blaming them for his problems. every time he's moved he ends up right back near where she was because he "realizes" how depressed he is being away. when really he ends up having problems being wherever he is because of HIM, not the situation, and ends up moving away (just like she did when he was little). sadly he realizes all this, but he thinks he can change it on his own, when really all her substance abuse issues carried over to him, as well as his dad's substance issues. its sooo horrible. he needs so much help, but he doesn't see it, and doesn't want to.

now he is actually trying to be an adult, but he doesn't realize that everything he does is somehow controlled by her, including his views on ending this relationship. i think the reason for this is that she also would pack up and move away every time she had a problem in her life and drag him along, so he never was stable or had stable friends, or a stable life. issues were never really resolved because she would just leave and start a new life elsewhere. he does the same thing. if something becomes a problem, he runs. he would always talk about how messed up his family was but i never realized it until the break up, i never realized how much it actually affected him, and how deeply it affected our relationship.

my ex has the hardest shell of anyone i have ever met. he has only cried twice in maybe 10 years. he said he doesn't know how to cry. he said the only time he cried was out of extreme anger. he said he can't let himself go in that way. he has some extreme anger issues. he is like a bomb waiting to explode. he never releases emotion, ever. he soothes his pain with pot and alcohol. it is terrible. sadly all of these issues made me realize my own commitment problems, and i am struggling to change without substances, and trying to go through the natural grieving process, which is extremely difficult compared to being able to just numb your mind, like my ex is.

from my experience so far i would just say that you can't change someone no matter how much they actually want to or SAY they will. being with a new partner and in a new relationship may give them motivation to change, but they don't know how, all they know how to do is run away, or deal with their issues in a very childlike manner. it must come from a true awakening within themselves.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2008
Mon, 04-07-2008 - 4:14pm

It stinks that getting over someone takes so long.

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