Still Unfinished Business After a Year and a Half

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Still Unfinished Business After a Year and a Half
3
Wed, 04-24-2013 - 9:02pm

I entded a very short, short relationship with a man who happened to be in recovery from alcecohol when i met him. Bottom line the times we spent together felt right and enjoyed each other companys immensely. We both had been going through our own bad times and found comfort in being with

each other. He wound up disappearing and not answering calls and  he was isolatin himself.. i cared so much for him. He became very up and down naturally being a recovering aelcoholic and i may have been unrealistic and blinded with care and real care for him that it did make me expect things from him that he couldnt deliver like communicate normally. I wound up blowing up at him out of frustration and anger and fear because i cared for him and wanted to make something work with him. I wound up breaking up with him. I called his number almost on the oday we met about a year ago back in octo ber and hung up. a week goes by and i get a text  and from him asking if i called him because he saw my number. We chatted back and forth and hte was there to respond via text.. also at thef oddest of hours like 10:30 at night. Anyhow he never enabled me to finally explain my end and not to expect anythig but not to go on feeling misunderstood over how i reacted at some things, He has refused to call me on the phone after i asked him to call me right after we were texting each other.

Now, his birthday was on the 19th and i sent him a happy bday text and in it said dont read  into things,. i am happy all around and wish for him the same.. he replied thank you. i felt compelled to say that even though it is almost all true because i am the one initiating and dont want him to feel like i am chasing him.. but what compels me is that i FEEL he has misjudged me and i know in my heart that he cared for me and  i him. The fact he replied i am not sure if he wasnt interested or cared at all why bother to respond.. i did ask him how are things and no reply.. maybe he was annoyed or not willing to open up honestly since i did say i was happy.. sometimes when you try too hard you overcomplicate and overcompensate and again misunderstood!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
You cannot hear a person's tone in text messages. If you're on rocky ground with someone, always have a phone call, so people can hear your tone. You are sending mixed messages because you lack confidence. You send him a birthday message hoping he'll respond and want to continue communicating with you so you can get back together. However, after you say "Happy b-day," you tell him not to read into things. That means he thinks you're wishing him happy b-day but don't wan't to start things up with him again. Why should he waste time continuing to converse with you? However, you do want to start things up but don't want him to know because you're afraid of looking like a loser who is chasing him. You have to gain some maturity, speak clearly on what you want from someone, even if it ends up not working out or hurting your feelings. Otherwise, you are at fault for being unclear and sending mixed messages. As far as you and him getting back together, things have never been smooth. You should probably face the fact that you and him are not compatible, otherwise there wouldn't be so much frustration in your relationship. People who are compatible get along at least 85 percent of the time, with an occasional argument. If two people are arguing and being frustrated with each other on a daily basis, they are not compatible or are both lacking in communication skills. Either tell him what you really want or move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
You cannot hear a person's tone in text messages. If you're on rocky ground with someone, always have a phone call, so people can hear your tone. You are sending mixed messages because you lack confidence. You send him a birthday message hoping he'll respond and want to continue communicating with you so you can get back together. However, after you say "Happy b-day," you tell him not to read into things. That means he thinks you're wishing him happy b-day but don't wan't to start things up with him again. Why should he waste time continuing to converse with you? However, you do want to start things up but don't want him to know because you're afraid of looking like a loser who is chasing him. You have to gain some maturity, speak clearly on what you want from someone, even if it ends up not working out or hurting your feelings. Otherwise, you are at fault for being unclear and sending mixed messages. As far as you and him getting back together, things have never been smooth. You should probably face the fact that you and him are not compatible, otherwise there wouldn't be so much frustration in your relationship. People who are compatible get along at least 85 percent of the time, with an occasional argument. If two people are arguing and being frustrated with each other on a daily basis, they are not compatible or are both lacking in communication skills. Either tell him what you really want or move on.
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

katherinez2006 wrote:
<p>I entded a very short, short relationship with a man who happened to be in recovery from alcecohol when i met him. Bottom line the times we spent together felt right and enjoyed each other companys immensely. We both had been going through our own bad times and found comfort in being with</p><p>each other. He wound up disappearing and not answering calls and  he was isolatin himself.. i cared so much for him. He became very up and down naturally being a recovering aelcoholic and i may have been unrealistic and blinded with care and real care for him that it did make me expect things from him that he couldnt deliver like communicate normally. I wound up blowing up at him out of frustration and anger and fear because i cared for him and wanted to make something work with him. I wound up breaking up with him. I called his number almost on the oday we met about a year ago back in octo ber and hung up. a week goes by and i get a text  and from him asking if i called him because he saw my number. We chatted back and forth and hte was there to respond via text.. also at thef oddest of hours like 10:30 at night. Anyhow he never enabled me to finally explain my end and not to expect anythig but not to go on feeling misunderstood over how i reacted at some things, He has refused to call me on the phone after i asked him to call me right after we were texting each other.</p><p>Now, his birthday was on the 19th and i sent him a happy bday text and in it said dont read  into things,. i am happy all around and wish for him the same.. he replied thank you. i felt compelled to say that even though it is almost all true because i am the one initiating and dont want him to feel like i am chasing him.. but what compels me is that i FEEL he has misjudged me and i know in my heart that he cared for me and  i him. The fact he replied i am not sure if he wasnt interested or cared at all why bother to respond.. i did ask him how are things and no reply.. maybe he was annoyed or not willing to open up honestly since i did say i was happy.. sometimes when you try too hard you overcomplicate and overcompensate and again misunderstood!!!</p>

the whole fact that he was in recovery from alcohol abuse was the first red flag to you that he may not have been in a position to be the kind of man you need.  That is its own ball and chain to deal with without someone else's expectations needing to be met.  His recovery is his priority--and sometimes that means going incommunicado while he gets his head on straight.

also, Safire brings up an excellent point: you are sending mixed messages... and with the fact that he's still getting his life on track, it's best to just ignore your posts since even you dont' know what you want if you're sending mixed messages to him.  That can't be up to him to decipher for you. If you feel he's misjudged you, it's because YOU haven't been clear within yourself about what you want.  Figure out what you want first instead of putting that on someone else.

There is such a thing as the wrong person/wrong relationship at the wrong time and for him, this might just be his case.