Stop Calling!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2005
Stop Calling!
4
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 6:57pm

I really don't understand what he wants from me at this point. It's been a week now since he dumped me for another girl and I have not not contacted him once since the breakup phone call. He tried to reach me three more times in the first three days (to see if I was "okay") and he also called again last night and left a message saying he's been "trying to reach me" but I'm "not answering." Says he's "curious" to see how I'm "feeling."

I feel like he hurt me with the break up and now he's harassing me to console him because he was a jerk.

UGH! Does this happen to everyone else? What is wrong with this guy!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
In reply to: lily1600
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 7:11pm

Nothing is "wrong" with him per se.

Your relationship went like this. YOu adored, worshipped, revered and uplifted him to the highest heaven. Everything he said and did was perfect, and he was absolutely God's gift to the planet. He set the tone, pace, agenda, standard, and destination at all times.

He loved that you had nothing going on in any capacity other than his needs, feelings, thoughts, goals, and priorities. That also ripped the relationship apart, because over time you held him responsible for your feelings and lack of a life outside of living vicariously thru him.

Or, he just couldn't get as high on your adoration as you were now "not new" - and he wanted new attention from a new source - to achieve that ego high. That'd be his insecurity and lack of self-esteem showing loud and clear.

So now he's calling you up - he wants to make sure you're okay, he wants to make sure you're an option if he wants an ego boost, attention or whatever else (do NOT think sex and it makes alot more sense).........he wants to be sure he's still worshipped, adored, and revered like he was - but from afar becuase he wanted distance and space between you and him.

That's all it is.

You taught him how to treat you by being the doormat he walked on, the coat draped over the puddle on the sidewalk to ensure his loafers didn't get wet or dirty. YOu put yourself in this position...and you attract guys like him because you're so delighted to be included - that you worship them for breathing.

Anybody that needs t be adored for existing - is extremely insecure and never leaves behind a previously adoring source. They don't benefit them or interact with them - they're just an ego fix - like a drug.

The more you don't answer....and particularly the more you really get a life and that becomes known...he won't want anything to do with you. He's not going to compete for your attention and adoration with an interest or a goal.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
In reply to: lily1600
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 8:43pm

Sorry to hear you are going through this.

He wants to hear that you are okay so that he can be relieved of his guilt for breaking up with you, for hurting you. He doesn't want you to hate him. He is seeking reassurance that you don't hate him for hurting you. All he cares about is his own feelings.

This is what happened to me with the with this current guy. When he broke it off with me a year ago, he called me up three days later to have lunch to see if I was okay. He thought things were okay with me because when he broke it off I was completely shocked and I didn't know how to respond because it was a big surprise to me. I kept my composure and just listened to what he had to say and when he was done, he asked for friendship and I just naively agreed to it and went home. So he called me three days later and asked me to lunch. By then I had some time to process what had happened and my feelings. During lunch I let him know how I felt and he said he wished he didn't ask me out to lunch because he didn't want to hear what I had to say. I told him how hurt I was and how angry I was that he had strung me along.

So yeah, guys do this. They also do it for ego padding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
In reply to: lily1600
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 7:58am

I am literally in the same boat as you and can't understand how I could be abandoned for a stranger and be told continuously that I'm loved, I'm missed, and he's sorry. All the while keeping another person installed at the house we picked out together, decorated together, and had dreams for.

I can't block the calls from my cell phone (I have no idea how other than to change the number), but I've blocked emails and that helps more than you know.

I think any man who abandons his love for you (well, me) can't really love you much at all. Try to take some strength in knowing this new person has no idea what she's getting herself into, and that you are far better than any of this crap. I'm trying to believe it at least :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
In reply to: lily1600
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 5:40pm

Hi,

This happenned to me too & I only dated the guy for three months. After I told him twice to give me space, a week later he sends me flowers on my b-day anonymously. He wanted to redeem himself...those floweres really weren't for me & I gave them to someone else (a guy in the office so he could give them to his wife).

Umm, I don't know if Erin read your background/other posts...I did not. Ummm, remember...theses are all opinions so don't take it too hard.

I would tell him to stop contacting you.