strange phone call???
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strange phone call???
| Tue, 04-25-2006 - 7:45am |
My ex & I have been technically split for 2 weeks now. Basically his fears and "panic attacks" about the relationship are what broke us up. He still called a couple of times a day, acted like everything was normal. I have seen him twice - both times I made the mistake of sleeping with him. The last time (Friday) I read him the riot act before I left and said that we could either find a way to work through things together or I am outta here - and that means he needs to stop calling me. I don't have call display so I avoid answering the phone when I can - but sometimes answer it (I am applying to jobs & can't let it go to voicemail all the time). Sunday night when he called I didn't answer, Monday morning same thing - didn't answer. But when he called again Monday afternoon I did answer. I could tell he wanted to talk but I cut it short and said "you better get back to work now." Anyways - he called last night. And after his usual "how was your day" spiel blurted out - "If you want to start courting or dating or whatever it's called again we can." This took me by surprise and I tied to talk to him. He said - we'll if you don't want to then fine but I want to so it's up to you. I knew talking about it was making him really uncomfortable & frankly was to shocked at how he handled it to respond. He did make it clear that one day a weekend had to be spend working on his & his friend's houses alternatively. I knew that was something of a deal the two of them have had for years and he hadn't done that in the past year, because of our relationship.
I had a lot more to say, but needed to process. I have my doubts about things working this time around. I love him, very much and still strongly believe he is "the one". But even going back to him with a slower approach may not be enough. Are we both just to fresh from the split and struggling to much with being apart? Maybe neither of us are strong enough to walk away. I don't know - but we live about 45 - 60 minutes apart so with his work schedule right now doing things during the week together is impossible & weekends would be all we have. I am so confused by his call now - I know he has been struggling with things. I think that he dosn't want to lose me altogether but isn't ready emotionally for what I need. Why did he need to do this? It is just so confusing.
I had a lot more to say, but needed to process. I have my doubts about things working this time around. I love him, very much and still strongly believe he is "the one". But even going back to him with a slower approach may not be enough. Are we both just to fresh from the split and struggling to much with being apart? Maybe neither of us are strong enough to walk away. I don't know - but we live about 45 - 60 minutes apart so with his work schedule right now doing things during the week together is impossible & weekends would be all we have. I am so confused by his call now - I know he has been struggling with things. I think that he dosn't want to lose me altogether but isn't ready emotionally for what I need. Why did he need to do this? It is just so confusing.

wHAT i think he wantS you to be a "FRIENDS WITH BENEFIT"...IF THIS GUY LOVES YOU HE WONT BE PLAYING HARD TO GET AND MAKE THINGS EASY FOR YOU AND HIM...BUT WHAT HIS DOING HIS UNREASONABLE AT ALL..MAYBE HE CALLS YOU JUST TO BE FRIENDS WITH HIM BUT YOU PUT MEANING WITH IT AND I'M ASSUMING THATS WHY YOU GUYS END UP SLEEPING TOGETHER AGAIN...THIS GUY IS NO NUTS...HIS NOT A "MAN". I MEAN IF HE LOVES YOU HE WONT BE DOING THIS AT ALL TRUST ME.
ANYWAYSS THIS IS ALL UP TO YOU...AS A FRIENDLY ADVISED I THINK YOUR TOTALLY WASTING YOUR TIME WITH HIM....HIS NOT REALLY TO COMMIT AT ALL. WHAT HE WANT IS JUST HAVE "SEX" WITH YOU THATS IT AND NO FEELINGS AT ALL.
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT IN RELATIONSHIP DEAR?
I HOPE YOU OPEN YOUR EYES AND SEEK FOR THE TRUTH!!!
Ok, I apologize if I'm not remembering the particulars correctly...but what good does starting 'courting or dating' again do you? He's still not addressing the issues that led to the breakup in the first place, so what will change?
Sheri
"Courting" will not solve any of the problems that already exist. I which we had been the type of couple that fought or something because things would be easier that way to let go. But whenever we disagreed about anything we dealt with it & smoothed things over right away - never raised voices or held grudges.
If it was just a way to continue having sex with me then I don't know why he bothered throwing that "courting" thing out there. He tells me he loves me still, but actions speak louder then words & frankly if he cared as much as he claims to then he would have already arrived at my door & dealt with this - and he hasn't.
Welll...I don't know that I agree with that last part...I'm not a believer in "love conquers all". He can love you, but still not be able to give you what you want and need. From what I recall of your previous posts, I just don't think he's capable of being in the type of relationship you want at this point in his life...and there's no guarantee he'll EVER be capable.
So the issue is still the same...can you accept him as he is now (with his limitations), and take the risk that you'll never get what you want from him? If not, then you need to move on. You can leave the door open for him to contact you at some point in the future if he ever gets to the point of being ready to have the type of relationship you want, but in the meantime, you would need to move on as though that was never going to happen.
Sheri
YOU KNOW WHAT I AGREE WITH SHERI...THIS GUY IS JUST PLAYING GAMES WITH YOU. HOW COULD HE SEND YOU JOKES BY EMAIL. IF HE KNOW THAT YOU GUY HAVING SOME ISSUE. I THINK HIS A BIG TIME "JOKER"....AFTER ALL HE KNOWS THAT YOUR HAVING HARD TIME WITH HIM AND HE SEEM THAT HIS BEING A JERK!!!
ABOUT THE COURTING THING HE JUST SAY THAT SO HE COULD HAVE FREE SEX WITH YOU...WELL YOU LET HIM SO HE WILL CONTINUE DOING IT WITHOUT COMMITMENT...YOU GONNA END UP GETTING HURT MORE LATER. ESP IF THIS GUY DIDNT COMMIT TO YOU AND LATER YOU FIND OUT THAT HE START DATING SOME OTHER GIRLS BUT STILL HAVING SEX WITH YOU. YOU HAVE TO OPEN YOUR EYES. I THINK YOUR TOTALLY BLIND COZ YOU LOVE HIM. I THINK ITS WRONG YOU LET HIM MAKE YOU LOOK DIRTY. ATLEAST HAVE SELF RESPECT SO HE WILL RESPECT YOU. BUT I DONT THINK HIS RESPECTING YOU AT ALL. WHATEVER GOING ON TO HIS MIND NOW IS JUST "SEX". ITS ALL ABOUT SEX...TRUST ME
He used to send me poems, cards, totally went overboard to display his emotions. Even whisked me away to a week long Caribean vacation in January. We talked about marriage and he was the one that turned us into a "we". He stepped up to the plate and was there 100% when I needed him - he truly was.
But something inside him has snapped and he isn't the same guy. He stopped coming over, sarted critisizing me and really started to push me away. I could analize the whole thing till I'm blue in the face but the bottom line is that his actions & attitude now are nothing like what he had been and I have to live in the present & not the past.
If he truly felt the way he claims to then he would have shown that through actions. And instead of coming here after work he goes to his place & obsessively is working on renovations on his house.
I know I have to cut him loose. He is just being a jerk now & that is not the person I fell in love with.
I apologize if you've already answered this question...but have you read "Men Who Can't Love" or "He's Scared, She's Scared" (both by Steven Carter) yet?
If not, I think you should get and read one or the other ASAP (I prefer HSSS, personally because it's a more complete book, IMO). You will understand his behavior much better.
Sheri
YOU GOT THAT RIGHT HIS NOT THE GUY YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH....GUYS ARE FULL OF BULL SH!T THING ESP AT THE BEGINNING OF THE RELATIONSHIP...OFCOURSE THEY WANT TO GET SOMETHING OUT OF IT. TRUST ME DEAR.
ALL OF THEM ARE LIKE THAT THEY LIKE TO SAY THOSE SWEET TALK. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH....AFTER THEY GET WHAT THEY WANT FROM US AND GET TIRED OF USING IT...THEY START CHANGING.
AT FIRST THEY WILL START IGNORING YOUR CALLS/LESS AVAILABLE, HE WONT CALL BACK, PRETENDING TO BE BUSY AND ETC.
NOW TELL ME HONESTLY...I DONT THINK YOU NEVER SEEN THIS HAPPENING TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP...ALL OF US LADY COME TO THIS STORY.
NOW WHAT I BELIEVE IF THE GUY IS REALLY LOVES US NO MATTER WHAT KINDA TRIAL COMES TO THE RELATIONSHIP THEY WILL NEVER LET GO. SO PLEASE DONT BE SUCH A FOOL TO YOUR EX. OPEN YOUR EYES DEAR....YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT THE TRUTH. YOU HAVE TO LEARN WHEN TO LET GO.
DONT LET HIM USE YOU AND YOU NEVER KNOW YOU MIGHT END UP HAVING "STD"...COZ YOUR NOT EVEN SURE IF HIS HAVING SEX WITH SOMEONE TOO.
NOW TELL ME IF I'M WRONG....ANYWAYSSS THE WHOLE POINT HERE IS FOR YOU NOT END UP GETTING HURT.
SO DONT USE ALL THE EXCUSES THAT HE USE TO TELL YOU ALL THOSE BULLSH!!T. IF HE REALLY MEANT TO SAY THAT TRUST ME HIS STILL THERE BESIDE YOU AND HE WILL NEVER LET YOU GO TO ALL OF THIS DRAMA.
JUST AS LADYS IF WE LOVE THE GUY. WE DONT WANT TO HURT THEIR FEELINGS COZ WE DO CARE AND WE LOVE THEM.
WELL THIS ALL UP TO YOU ANYWAYS THIS IS YOUR LIFE!!! GOOD LUCK