Strange Situation...need advice.
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Strange Situation...need advice.
| Thu, 11-25-2004 - 10:28pm |
I spent a while reading through the list and realized that I'm in a very strange situation. I am the "dumper," but it was because he lied to me and I caught him at the movies with a girl I dislike. I had told him that if he hung out with her and I wasn't there...it was over. And then I found out he lied to me about seeing her cause he knew that I would be upset. So lying to me was ok to save the fight. He said he knows he screwed up and that he didn't think it through...that if he thought he would lose me...he never would have done it. Now he's upset and says that he wants me back and will wait forever for me to change my mind. He's been IMing me and saying that he loves me...and unfortunatly I bought it. I was sad all day today to be without him for Thanksgiving for the first time in 4 years. When I came home, I found out that he sent this girl I dislike flowers for her birthday. (He never sent me flowers because he said that they wouldn't mean anything if I got them all the time.) So I hear about this and I fly into a rage. I told him that I felt validated because there obviously was something going on with said girl. I told him to make a choice...My friendship or hers. He's supposed to go to some party with her this weekend. I said...meet me for dinner and don't go with her. He said he had told her that he was going to her party and couldn't cancel. So I told him he made his choice. I know that I shouldn't have even given this request, but I was so upset. The upside is that I was finally able to block him from IM. Maybe this was the step I needed to stop talking to him. I'm pretty sure I made the right decision when I found out he lied...because our relationship wasn't a healthy one. But I'm losing all of my friends in the process. I don't have a lot of close friends here that aren't his friends. I'm feeling lost and confused. Any advice is much appreciated...

Welcome to the board!! I'm sorry you're sad but I will warn you....you probably aren't going to like my post and I won't be offended if you choose not to read it....that's why I'm giving you this warning. It sounds to me that you may be being a little unreasonable. I'm assuming this girl you dislike is a friend of his?? And I don't care how much you dislike his friends.....I don't think you should try to get him to quit hanging out with his friends or make it to where you have to be in attendence for him to hang out with this certain friend....it makes it sound like you don't trust him to be faithful. I know it was wrong for him to lie to you and you have every right to be upset at him for that....but I can understand why he did....he wanted to keep you AND his friend happy. Although if I had been in his situation....I would have just told you point blank....she's my friend and I'm hanging out with her. I learned my lesson about guys and friends.....and I won't give up any of my friendships for a guy and I don't think anyone should. Bfs and Gfs come and go but your friends are for life if you let them be. I also can't beleive that you are upset that he refused to cancel plans last minute but I also understand it was in the heat of the moment and sometimes we carried away. But just ask yourself how would you feel if one of your best friends was planning to go out with you but canceled for a last minute date?? I'm not trying to be hard on you....but I think it would be beneficial for you to look at it from both sides. If a breakup is what you really want then I think blocking the IMs and no contact is a great start.....you've picked up on that sooner that alot of people do. No matter what happens though, I wish you the best of luck. i hope you decide to stick around and keep us posted! (((Hugs)))
Edited 11/26/2004 12:02 am ET ET by cl-heidi_hibbit
Thank you for your post. And it isn't anything I haven't thought of...and you're right. I don't trust him. We broke up about 2 years ago...but never really stopped seeing each other. He was seeing another girl at the same time and was lying to me about it. There's a lot of distrust from that, but over the last year and a half...I've really been trying to make things work dispite this distrust.
And this controversy around this girl I dislike is a lot wierder than I had time to type out. She's an ex-girlfriend of one of our good friends. She's a well known cheater and she's not quite right in the head (ie she's on A LOT of meds). She is very flirtatious whenever she's around him, even if I'm standing right there. About a year ago, he stopped talking to her because she was just acting psycho. And everything since then for he and I have been on the up and up.
A few months ago, she sent him an e-mail apologizing for anything she had done to upset him and wanted my e-mail to tell me the same. I told him she was trouble and I didn't want anything to do with her. He kept talking to her...even though I didn't like it.
This girl is poison...and I'm still not sure what her motives are. But something's obviously up since he sent her flowers for her birthday and we've only been broken up for a week.
But he has also had issues because he even said that she's not that fun to hang out with, but since a lot of his friends have moved away that it's better than nothing. He has lots of friends, but he wants it to be like it was in his early 20's (he's 30 now)where he's out every night partying til he pukes. He's choosing a quanity of friends instead of any quality ones.
I even talked to a friend of his that told me he can see that whole group self-destructing. This friend moved away partially to get out of this group and my ex because they are a black hole. He told me to run as fast as I can and get out of it. But it's hard, because I really do love him. But he's not ready to committ after 4 years and he's all about parties and friends (even if they're not good for him).
I really do want to leave, but I keep thinking of him and how much I love him. This is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.