struggling

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2008
struggling
6
Thu, 03-20-2008 - 3:42am

after just coming back after a week with my ex, in order to get my stuff and close our breakup i am just stuck. we were in a long distance relationship (washington to california) for 8 months and friends for about 2 years previous. i just got home and i feel empty. we left on a clean break. we talked about why we broke up, how we shouldn't be together, how we are both in different places in our lives, how we are more like best friends or brother/sister than a couple, how we still care/love eachother, though we have an extremely vibrant and fulfilling sex life. but i just feel empty. he is the one person i have met in my life who understands me, accepts me, and loves me. he treats me so good, he is genuine, i know he would never hurt me. him and i were incredibly in love. we both just have a lot to learn, and both alone. we are both still too young. he is one of my best friends and i care so much for him. he keeps saying, we both just need to be alone right now, and yes, i agree. i am not wanting the relationship back and he said he wants me in his life as a friend. our relationship brought on so much anxiety because of the distance, but it wasn't going to be distance for that much longer.

i am graduating from college in 2 months and he said he is coming down for it. he said we just need time alone between that time but i dread waking up in the morning thinking about him. i dread that everything will remind me of him. i feel like a part of me is missing. i know he is greiving just the same. i brought a lot of dysfunctional behaviors to our relationship from my past emotionally abusive relationship and he has a lot of stigma towards relationships due to his family. i love him, i know he loves me. we've talked far into the future about kids. both a first for us. this is both our first healthy relationship. this is the first time i've actually taken good things away from a breakup. i'm just afraid i'll never find anyone that makes me as happy as he did. i'm afraid no one will be as good as he is in all the same ways. i'm afraid i will always think this. he told me the same. i just feel lost. i miss him so much. i know i have my friends, and my family, but he is still one of my best friends. i just don't know where to start because now i am finally realizing the reality of it all. any help appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: i_amity
Thu, 03-20-2008 - 10:33pm

Welcome to the board i_amity,


Grief is a powerful emotion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
In reply to: i_amity
Fri, 03-21-2008 - 2:39pm
maybe this break will help you both realize that it's worth working out or maybe it'll make you realize that you should go on your separate ways.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2008
In reply to: i_amity
Sat, 03-22-2008 - 10:35pm
thank you for your response. i actually went out of town with a friend this weekend to get my mind off everything i'm just trying to stay as active as possible but it feels like everything i do makes me miss him more, everything reminds me of him because we are such good friends and share so many interests. even though he is far away, it is still difficult. i guess if it was meant to be then it will work out in the end. i am trying to go to counseling at my school so i don't talk my friend's ears off about it. i just miss him. i feel like i have lost the most important person in my life, but in the end i need to take care of myself. i was always taking care of him and worrying about him, and him with me. anyways thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2008
In reply to: i_amity
Sun, 03-23-2008 - 4:04pm
Hey, I feel like I am going through a similar situation right now. I posted about it under the Moving on Board. It's titled something about friends.
Anyway, it is super hard to feel like you are losing the only person in the world who knows you and cares about you. It sounds like your situation is circumstantial, so it could be that if/when circumstances change, you will get back together. The hard part is knowing whether to believe in that and hold onto it, or to move on.
I think if a couple is meant to be, it will work out naturally. You really sound like this relationship has not run its course yet? Do you feel that way, or was the break-up a long time coming? I've gotten back together with two ex boyfriends and obviously neither worked out, but those relationships felt whole and I did not mourn them very long after they ended. Maybe you will reconcile, and it won't be forever, but you'll at least get it out of your system.
Graduation seems like a good natural deadline (for me too!). Staying busy and rediscovering all your amazing friends and fam is the best part of a break-up, so it sounds like you are on the right track. Best case scenario, you two work it out as better, stronger people. Worst case, you two don't work it out and move on as better, stronger people. But, the only way to get strong is to go through a little pain. When you realize you can get through it, you'll feel a lot better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2008
In reply to: i_amity
Sun, 03-23-2008 - 4:59pm

ah, it just sucks. this whole situation. this sounds so stupid but i just read his myspace (which i told myself not to do). and myspace is stupid anyway, and he said "hey beautiful" to this girl he used to sleep with who lives in california just like me. he never loved her or was with her, but still, he knew i would see it. he posted it right after he dropped me off at the airport, it was a really emotional goodbye!

and he told me he didnt break up with me to date other people, that wasnt why. when we broke ties he said he just wouldnt be able to even think about another girl when i left. that it would be difficult for him as it would for me to even start dating. i can't believe that im so hurt by that one comment. i feel horrible right now, just sick to my stomach over that one thing. i just don't know, out of sight out of mind for him. once im gone nothing we talked about remains it seems like. ah i just feel horrible, i keep repeating what we talked about, and then he says that to that girl. he's not the type to flirt or anything, but i don't know why he said that to her. its like the second he's single he has to let her know. i'm afraid i'll just get so fed up with him owing me money and the comment that i will call him. i wish i could let go. i just feel so depressed right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2008
In reply to: i_amity
Sun, 03-23-2008 - 5:40pm
I know how you feel.