Struggling

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Struggling
5
Sat, 03-03-2007 - 1:36am

I do believe this board is my new best friend. It helps me clear my mind and get some really great input. Just seems like my days off are incredibly hard and the nights harder. I'm trying hard not to be alone too much, or have a book or movie on when I am, because that's when I just sit and remember and think.

I'm just really scared right now that this break is going to be a break up. (as they say in jerry mcguire, lol.) Valentine's was our first talk of this, and then the Monday after was when he really told me for sure that he needed his space. 11 days ago. And I said I wanted to reevaluate things in a month. So I have to try to make it like 20 more days. Sigh.

The no communication thing is killing me. Sometimes I feel like I am so strong, that I can make it no matter what. This is not one of those times. I miss him so much. It is taking all my energy not to text or call. Everytime I check my email, or look at my phone, and I know he won't have left a message, my heart just sinks. I never really thought about how much I leaned on him for support and comfort. And now I feel empty that he's gone. And what almost bothers me more is that I have no idea what he's thinking, and it's destroying me that I haven't heard anything. Is he sitting somewhere thinking of me? It will only drive me crazy to wonder about stuff like that, but I can't seem to help it.

Why do we have to bring each other such joy and then such misery?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 03-03-2007 - 11:24pm
Hi, I am sorry you are in so much pain. I am on the same boat. Mood swings, one minute I am ok and I am crying the next. I am constantly checking my phone but please don't do what I did which is to call him. I called yesterday where he kept saying over and over as emphatically as he could that we will never be together again and that he never wants to marry me (that's my live-in boyfriend of 5 years). Yesterday was moving day and I left town so that I wouldn't cave and beg but my phone call did it. I begged, and pleaded and cried and offered to do anything and everything on the planet. I even said: if you change your mind you know where to find me. He said: I will never change my mind. That phonecall left me crushed. Please don't do it. Nothing good will come of it. Just keep writing to all of us. This board has been good for me too. Keep busy and take care of you for a change! Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. [[[[hUGS}}}}
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2007
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 8:20am

I agree that this board is my new best friend. It helps so much, whether I post myself or just read.

The first thing that I would ask is why he needs this time to "reevaluate"? And, I could really be wrong about this but I would think that if he wanted to call you, he would, especially since he is holding the cards here. I asked what led to the breakup because if he knows how much pain you're in, why wouldn't you two at least be in contact? I don't know...could be completely off about that.

I can only imagine the pain that you're in while you wait for your for the month to be up. Although I truly hope things work out for the best for you, I hope that at you think about what if things don't work out during this time and prepare yourself.

Stay strong and hang in there. The worst part is not knowing and that will soon be over.

~Kelly~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 4:25pm

Thanks a lot both of you, I really appreciate the replies so unbelievably much. It really, really helps.

Why does he need time? I don't know if you read my original post, but basically, he doesn't feel like he had time to process where he is and what he wants before we got together. (we got each other through our previous break ups as friends and then it became more, pretty much.) He has said a few times that I shouldn't be settling for him acting like half the man he used to be, and I deserve for him to be right with himself if the relationship is going to go forward.

I saw him at work yesterday, which was a total shock, I know his schedule and he's usually in school on Saturdays, so I was over in his department working nonchallantly, and he walks up. Ugh. Usually I get to prepare myself a lot more, but apparently his spring break started. Figures. He actually made some small talk, but I was kind of closed off. He came up later and we were joking around a little then.

Later on he texted me after work, just saying work schedules suck, etc. I broke down and texted him back. And I said I still want to wait to talk in person in a couple weeks, but I asked if this time alone was helping, if he was able to figure some things out without me to think of. And he told me that he had kind of hit rock bottom this past week, he'd been really, really low. But he thought things might be better for a little bit since he didn't have school to worry about for now. And that he really appreciated me giving him space right now.

Sigh. I don't really know what I should be thinking. I'm definitely going to keep leaving him be, it seems to be helping him I guess. He didn't say he misses me, or he loves me, but then, I didn't say it either. He just is completely unable to express what is bothering him. I don't even know if he knows. I don't think he's not contacting me to hurt me. I think he's really hurt himself.

I know that I don't want to keep living like this. When we have our face-to-face, if he is still confused... I think that says it all. And I'll probably have to let him go. I can't keep hanging on to what might be. I feel like I have a scab that gets a little healed, and then I pick it off and start over. So I think I'm going to tell him he's had his month of space, he can either be with me and I'll help him work through things, or he can stay alone, and if he thinks he wants to be with me later, then we'll see how things are then.

Hard realization to make. Going to be even harder to follow through on if it comes down to it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2007
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 4:41pm

Your scab analogy is perfect and exactly what I used myself when my boyfriend broke up with me, then needed space, then continued to cheat on me even though he said he left her. Finally, after I took control and said no more and told him to leave I started to heal.

Be strong and hang in there. And you know what? If you can, let him be the one to contact you after this time period is up. He may come around and he may not. It sounds like you're doing all you can. Find time now to do all those things for yourself that you may want to do that you couldn't. Think Sex and the City if you watched the show and Carrie talking about secret single behavior. Me? I'm enjoying Lifetime movies while I do work for school and a nice General Hospital marathon on soapnet while I'm working...drinking purely skim milk and eating salad again!

~Kelly~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 4:54pm

I just took someone's great idea and changed his name in my cell to "Don't do it!!" (as in call or text.) I think this may help. :)

And I am so with you, I've been catching up on all the chick movies that I've been missing. Garden State, The Last Kiss (Zach Braff does it for me, lol), and The Break-Up I've all seen lately. (which most of these most people on the board will see parts of yourself in, and maybe cry, but it's okay, and makes me feel better.) Tonight I'm watching Closer. (Clive Owen also good eye candy.)

I painted my nails and toes. Been listening to Beyonce's Irreplacable a lot, a lot. (even thought this is not my exact situation, the meaning is great right now.) And I'm wearing my red glasses he never seemed to care for that everyone else likes. :)