Struggling

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2002
Struggling
3
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 10:39am

Hello,

I can't believe I am here posting this message. My boyfriend of three years and I are talking about ending things. We've been fighting a lot over the past year and both of us are completely worn out. Our last fight, which happened two weeks ago was the final straw and sent us running from each other.

We've been living together for the past two years, which only complicates things. Although I know separating is for the best, I can't seem to get myself to even think about looking for apartments or roommates for our current place. I realized over the past week that even though things are so bad between us, I can't let go of him. Maybe I'm addicted to our lifestyle? I moved to a major city for him and a career change, so for the past two years I've relied on him for a lot of my needs. From getting around (I didn't have a car, but bought one this past weekend), to paying half the rent, to companionship, he was everything to me. Despite meeting lots of great people, I didn't make an effort to really get to know any of them, so I've ended up very isolated. Luckily, ever since I came clean that we've been having serious problems, people have come out of the woodwork to help me, which feels really great.

I'm terrified of moving out and starting over, despite the outpouring of support. Everyone I have talked to agrees that I have to do it, since the fighting has become extremely nasty, degrading and mean, but I just don't feel ready to take that step. I'm also harboring a lot of guilt about some of the things that have happened between us. He's constantly reminding me how much he's done for me since I moved here and how I've been somewhat of a burden to him. How can I accept that from someone who is supposed to love me? At the same time, it makes me embarrassed that I didn't take a more independent stance when I moved. I guess it just felt so good to have someone take care of me for once. I was tired of doing it all on my own.

Anyway, today I'm feeling extremely depressed and overwhelmed by the next challenges I have to face. I really don't know how I'm going to do it all. Even the car, which should have been an exciting purchase, feels burdensome. Any advice on how I can take the next steps to better my situation?

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
In reply to: sullylark
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 2:12pm

Hey there, i just have to say that when i read your post my heart fell to the ground because i know very well what you're going through. It's hard to admit that you may be attached to someone and you may even be somewhat dependant on them in more than one way...so good for you for atleast being able to admit that.

I was with my ex for 4 years and we lived together for 2 of those years, and like you, i got very dependant and attached to him in more than one way. Throughout our whole relationship, i never had a car, forget that, i never even had a license(and i was reaching my late 20's at that point), he had to convince me for years to get it. It wasn't until prob... a few months prior to our break up that i finally got my license and a car.....but he bought me my car. It was "our" purchase/investment, because we didn't know we were going to break up anytime soon, but really, he took out a loan in his name(i have horrible credit)...and he paid for it. I didn't even have a job at the time. So before that, i always depended on him for a ride. To work, from work, to a friends house, to the doctors....etc. I also went through a difficult time financially. I was inbetween jobs and i still brought in some income, but nothing compared to his income....he was very supportive through that though....i got used to that "easy" life...i've been so independant my whole life, it felt nice to be "taken care of". I also didn't have any friends and i wasn't very close to my family, so i totally depended on him emotionally and mentally.

It's such a horrible feeling not to recognize yourself in the mirror anymore. I was so independant in every aspect before i met him, and 4 years later(prob. earlier than that), i lost that. I lost a huge part of who i was. It wasn't anyone's fault, but it happened. Towards the last few months of our relationship we both questioned if we were together still just out of convenience....because like you said, you don't want to start looking for a new apt or new roomates....i hate moving! For the most part our relationship was amazing and we had a connection that most people don't ever get to experience....we did fight a lot, but now that i look back, they were ridiculous fights....i was a different person than, and so was he, and i kind of regret fighting over the things we did, but at the same time, i wouldn't have grown and realized how ridiculous they were unless we broke up.....so i guess everything does happen for a reason.....i don't know, i'm still trying to heal through our break up.....that's off topic though..sorry.

As much as i regret breaking up with him(which i'm trying to work through), and i miss him still(a year later), i know in the deepest part of my heart and soul that we were meant to break up....maybe not the way i went about it, but it had to happen in order for me to "find" myself again...the part of my "self" which i lost in the 4 years that i was with him. It's hard work, it's coming along slowly, but i'm far from "found" yet. And as much as i wish i could just have my old life back, this is for the best, because who really wants to live their life totally dependant on someone else. It's a terrible feeling.

I wish i could tell you that it's going to be easy leaving him and finding your independance again.....but it's not. It's probably going to be one of the most challenging/difficult things you're going to face, but in the end, it will be worth it(atleast i hope so, i'm not at the end of my healing journey yet). Coming home to an empty house/apt was extremely difficult. Going to bed alone at night was difficult, waking up in the morning by myself was difficult, eating at the table alone was difficult, it was all a huge shock. As much as you try to prepare yourself for it, nothing can really prepare you.

I hope i haven't scared you off from doing something you need to do for yourself....I'm just being honest and real.

I'm sorry for rambling on. I wish i could offer more solid and helpful advice.

You're in my thoughts because i know what i difficult time/decision this is....best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2002
In reply to: sullylark
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 2:52pm

Hi there,

Wow, it's amazing how similar our stories are! I definitely feel like I've "lost a part of myself" in this relationship and family/friends have confirmed it. I used to be a very social, fun-loving and outgoing person. Over the past year, especially, I became so isolated that I would go multiple weekends only doing things with my BF. If our relationship were entirely healthy, maybe that wouldn't be such a big deal, but more often than not, at some point during our time together we'd end up in a screaming match, concluded with me in wallowing in a crying fit. Our fighting has gotten so out of control, that it's turned manipulative and mentally abusive. Although I've said my fair share of awful things during an argument, he is usually the first one to take a dig at one of my insecurities. During our last fight, he went so far as to tell me that he "hates me." After that, I decided to say, "No more."

We've been apart for the past two weeks, but on Sunday night he came back to the apartment. It's been hard with him away, and now strange that he is back. I don't trust him, but he is being so caring, loving and attentive. I know he is confused too, but he's acting more like he wants to stay together than to end things. It's too bad that I can't trust that our relationship will stay this way. I find myself being careful of what I say/do in fear that he will blow up again. It's just not a way to live.

I'm picking up my new car this weekend and with that freedom, I am going to start figuring out my living situation. I'm terrified of being alone, but what is the alternative? A lifetime of this unhealthy cycle?

Stay strong and know that you did the best thing for yourself! Somebody out there will be able to give you everything you need when you are ready to receive it (but not feel dependent on it)!

Sully

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
In reply to: sullylark
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 4:02pm

thank you. i hope that everything works out for you, no matter what you choose. it seems you've already made your decision and i just want to say that it takes guts to make the decision you've already made, so good for you....like i've already explained, i know way too well, how tough that decisison is, and this is only the beginning of a long journey. it will be difficult and painful, but in the end it, actually, even at some points along the way, it will be a very rewarding experience. the road to self discovery or re-self discovery is very powerful/emotional and rewarding.

you will be in thoughts and prayers.....stay strong, and hopefully we can bring eachother some strength and encouragement through the tough times. take care.