Struggling...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2005
Struggling...
7
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 4:48pm

Hi all,

For the past few week I've been feeling a bit off. I'm still struggling to get over my ex boyfriend and struggling to get thru the healing process. For awhile I thought I was doing fine. I was slowly coming to terms with the breakup and accepting the fact that it was over but lately I'm having a really difficult time. I cannot stop thinking of him and wondering what he is up to. I know this is all part of the breakup/healing process and I know I will have my good days and bad ones but it has been almost 6 mos since we've broken up and yet I feel like I'm no where close to letting it all go....

I am not allowed to speak of my ex to my friends. They believe I should be past this and over him completely. They sometimes get wary with me, I guess they're all too happy in their own relationships forgeting how it feels when the one you love and care for the most rejects you and breaks your heart. When asked how I am, I have no other choice but lie, smile, and say "fine." When the truth is I'm not fine. I'm putting on this brave front while inside I'm broken to pieces. I have no one to talk to. I'm just trying to be as strong as I can and look within myself for guidance but it's hard. My heart and my mind are at odds. I would like to see a therapist but I work long hours and have no time for even a lunch break!

Friends say I should put myself out there. I need to stop having tunnel vision and comparing. He's not the only guy in NY and I can do a lot better. But dating in NYC is one of the hardest things to do! It's tough! And I haven't had much luck, maybe if I had someone to distract me it wouldn't be so difficult to get over my ex.

In my life I haven't dated much. He was the closest thing I had to a b/f and he was my first heartbreak. And everyone says the first one is the hardest one to get over. In our lives we encounter that one person who has changed us in someway--had an impact on us whether good or bad...well for me he's that person. I will never forget him or completely be over him and he will haunt me for a long time and that is just a scary thought! I know he's not coming back and he's long moved on, but knowing this why am I still struggling...and yet why am I still holding on to some kind of hope?

I've tried all the suggestions....journaling, index cards, staying busy, hobbies, reading, movies, hanging out....but it's only a temporary fix for me. Eventually everything comes to the surface again. I've become this angry person close to depression and I just want my old self back. Everyone says I'm better off without him, but am I? I was on cloud nine when we were together, and so happy when things were right. Everything just felt right, but I guess it's all an illusion. I just don't know what to do with myself. I know I will somehow get passed this eventually, but dammit I'm struggling and sometimes scared--am I in denial? Why is this so damn hard for me?

I'm just frustrated, confused and just needed to vent. Sorry for rambling. My brain was going to explode with all these thoughts!

Thanks for listening...
J.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
In reply to: nycgirl212
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 5:29pm

oh my god i cant believe your friends wont let you talk about it. 6 months is not enough time, of course you're still hurting. it took me at least a year to start feeling over my first boyfriend.
one thing i recommend is the book "exorcising your ex". it's really funny. it'll make you laugh, and there are lots of funny (and helpful!) recommendations on getting over someone. it's kind of silly, but it really helped me in the past.
and it's totally normal to cling to things, to still miss him, still want to talk to him, etc.
the only thing that helped me a lot was distracting myself. oh, watch first wives club! that's a great movie for breaking up. but, yeah. i distracted myself by picking up a LOT of new hobbies, reading a lot of new books, and getting out and meeting new people...and not letting myself talk about him to these new people. if you distract yourself with interesting stuff for awhile, your interest in things for yourself gets stronger. also, it helps to feel productive. like volunteering and stuff, or learning something new. i felt like i was improving myself. i wanted so badly to run into him one day and look good and on top of things and be very interesting and accomplished.

sorry that kinda long, but i hope some of that helps. read my post if you get a chance, please, i'd appreciate it.

this all sucks, but you're stronger than it.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: nycgirl212
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 6:43pm

How long were you together? I'm sorry, I can't remember from your previous posts.

If you were together for less than a year, then you might want to MAKE the time to talk with someone. I understand being busy, but this is your life and your emotional health we're talking about!

I'm sorry to hear your friends won't allow you to talk about him...that is really wrong of them. You might want to consider letting those "friendships" die, and finding new, more compassionate people to be friends with.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
In reply to: nycgirl212
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 9:56pm
I'm sorry that this break-up has been so hard on you.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2005
In reply to: nycgirl212
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 12:34pm

Hi Sheri,

We were together on and off for two years. I guess I just needed to vent and get a lot of things off my chest. I do feel a lot better today and have been focusing my attention on other things. One being--finding a new job to sink my teeth into.

Unfortunately those who does not want to hear to talk about my ex are my sister,cousins, and best friends. People who mean the world to me, and it many ways they think that's best for me to do. But the only person that can help me thru this is myself and that's what I'm focusing on. I'm doing it day by day.

Thanks for responding and I hope things are much better for you as well.

J

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2005
In reply to: nycgirl212
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 12:47pm

Hi Neve,

Thanks for responding and your suggested reading, I will definitely take a look at it. I think my friends believe they're helping me in some ways by not allowing me to talk about him. It's okay, I've learned to keep my feelings inside and I know somehow I will get thru this. It's just another phase in life that everyones has to go thru.

I've tried distracting myself, but it always creeps up at the end of the night or early morning. I'm sure eventually it will all begin to fade away, I guess yesterday I was at my wits end with all these emotions and feeling bombarding me, I felt I needed to vent and get it off my chest.

I bumped into my ex twice since we've broken up. And both times I wished I hadn't. It just set me back to square one and the last time killed me when I saw him with his new g/f. I felt the same way as you once when you said "i wanted so badly to run into him one day and look good and on top of things and be very interesting and accomplished." It didn't change a thing...the outcome remained the same. He's moved on and I'm still in love.

I read your post and I'm so sorry for what you're feeling. But one thing is certain--you don't need anyone to make you feel beautiful. You are already!!!! And don't allow him to make you feel insecure about yourself--your looks, personality, intelligence.....he's just too young and too immature to realize what a good thing he had. It's hard when someone you love makes you second guess yourself, but don't. Be strong. You're still so young and you have so much more to look forward to...just focus on you and all the things you need to accomplish. Hang in there. Everything will be fine. I hope I don't sound like a hypocrite!

Thanks for responding and keep me posted.
J

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: nycgirl212
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 1:25pm

Ok, so you've still got a ways to go and shouldn't beat yourself up for not being over him yet (I think the rule of thumb that it takes about half the time you were together is pretty accurate, for r'ships of up to 2 years).

I honestly don't understand how people who care about you can shut you out like that. Have you tried saying something like, "look, I know that you think my ex was bad for me and that it's good that it's over. However, that doesn't mean I'm not grieving or in pain and I need to talk about it in order to get through the grieving process. It would mean a lot to me if you would just listen to me once in a while."

Alternatively (or even in addition), talking to a counselor is probably a good idea...it gives you a safe, non-judgmental place to vent.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2005
In reply to: nycgirl212
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 11:04pm

So I guess I have six more months to look forward to pure hell!! LOL

To be quite honest with you I've tried that approach -- "look, I know that you think my ex was bad for me and that it's good that it's over. However, that doesn't mean I'm not grieving or in pain and I need to talk about it in order to get through the grieving process. It would mean a lot to me if you would just listen to me once in a while." And I realized that it's much better for me to deal with it on my own. Like I said before, they're all happy and in love and forgetful as to how difficult a breakup can be. And also quite selfish. But I am a strong person who has delt with a lot of things on my own and this is just one more to add to the list. I know I will get thru this. Many others had to go thru much worse and after reading Vanity Fair -- Jen Aniston's article, I think I will be ok after all.

BTW, I am looking into seeing a therapist, I think it would be VERY helpful for me right now. Gonna find the time.

Thanks for listening. Much appreciated.

J