Struggling with a breakup...
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| Fri, 03-09-2007 - 1:43am |
Okay, this is my first time to this board. On Thanksgiving I met my brother-in-law cousin. It was great, because my younger sister just had a baby and it was hard for me to deal with. The first nine weeks were great with this guy--- we became involved and even though it was long distance--- it seemed to have a lot of future possibilities. We seemed to be looking for the same things. I stayed out there for two weeks (I am a teacher) and things were going well. At nine weeks, I was trying to plan for our next time together--- and POOF! He started fighting over coming to visit--- everything started to go downhill because it was like he was a different person. Angry, stressed, working all of the time and he stopped calling as much and the conversations never talked about our future or much of anything.
He came out here but I still didn't feel the magic we had had when I was in his town. And then I began to realize that certain things he said didn't make complete sense--- I thought he might have a gambling problem, and he began to just push me away with his behavior. Finally when I had a trip planned to visit him, we had a small fight and I didn't hear from him for three days. So, when I didn't hear from him, I cancelled my ticket. When I was supposed to arrive, suddenly he called waiting for me at the airport--- I couldn't believe that! And, I realized I had to end it--- the gambling, the distance (with not a lot of communication) and the lack of consideration for my life and schedule was just too much. Suddenly he's trying to tell me that it was all MY fault. That I should have told him more. (Nevermind the fact he started disappearing for a day and a half with no calls). He's angry I cancelled the trip (it was his birthday weekend)--- and since we have family in common--- he seems to think that they will be mad at me for "blowing him off". Its INSANE.
What do you do when you are dealing with someone like this? The last major relationship I was in--- it was weird, right around the 9th week as well the guy started picking a fight that led to me having to end the relationship.
Help! I feel in such pain over the breakup--- I thought this had a lot of promise and the gambling--- I know was a factor. Any comments, advice? How do you recognize a workaholic or gambler? Or a guy who is passive-aggressive like I believe this guy was?

Hi!
Sorry to hear about this. I've been through this myself in the past. This pattern fits in with the pathology surrounding "Commitmentphobia" as described and detailed by Steven A. Carter in He's Scared She's Scared. Buy the book. The book describes your situation to a "t"---the fast pursuit, the quick intimacy, then sudden withdrawl and distancing followed by an ending that makes no sense. The Jekyll/Hyde behaviour you describe---it's all in there with a very good recovery program that begins with NO CONTACT so that you can heal. He will come back once he feels "safe" but the push-pull can last years and lead no where.
The fact that you were in a long-distance relationship which only became real when you became more available is also in keeping with the appalling behaviour of a CP. But rather than blame him, as in my case, I think it's good to look at your own issues and reasons for wanting a "long distance relationship" and thinking it had "potential".
Thanks, I have read the book in the past. And I am aware of these commitment phobic types. In fact, it was me who put a lot of the breaks on this relationship from moving even faster. From my own end, I don't seek out long distance relationships, and its not my preference, but my own sister met someone long distance--- got engaged in three months and moved--- to a former commitphobic type of man! My brother too dates someone long distance, that it looks like will workout.
I don't think all long distance relationships are doomed to fail. But, I also am realistic about them too, which was why when he began to pull back in the calling, I followed the Steven Carter advice--- of pulling myself back as well. I was not understanding and sweet--- I got busy and had a life.
At my age (I'm 35)--- I've run across a lot of people who get involved and the relationships move quickly and many end up in marriage. If I was younger, I would definately not be as "panicked", but as I get older, people are married and in the reality of things are they do move quicker--- because we don't have tons of friends to hang out with (they are married with kids!)--- and it becomes harder to find someone you "connect" with. I think I have often used online dating in the past--- and with this situation I thought it might be different because our families are now friends and spend time together.
Trust me, I'm not naive, which is why I put some of the breaks on this situation from the beginning. I did protect myself, but it still doesn't stop the hurt of trying something to see if it worked.
Hi ariel and welcome to the board. I think you made the right decision to cancel the trip.