Struggling Day to Day..ugh!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Struggling Day to Day..ugh!
3
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 8:57am

HI Everyone,

I just need to get these thoughts out. So, after a year with him. Confusion since New Years, back & forth for weeks up until the day before V-Day, I left for vacation on 2/16-2/25. I laid it out & left him an e-mail before my vacation that I wanted to come back refreshed and moving forward with or without him. However, with all we'd been through I asked him to seriously think of everything between us & decide if he wanted to put it all behind us & move on, together. I went on vacay- you would think being that many miles away I would NOT think of this but all my thoughts went to - what will his answer be. On vacation amoung "coupledom" I was alone & freshly off this situation & it hurt!

On my way home from my vacay, he contaced me via text to say...he finally figured out his feelings. Though we had many great things between us, and he has feelings for me NOW there isn't "enough chemistry" ?? Mind you, back around Dec. we both agreed we had this hot "chemistry". Well, between all of this,he slept with someone else while he was "figuring out his feelings" for me and NOW we don't have enough chemistry?? My thoughts are, he had this other woman, who knows really how long or if it was during our relationship or just during our rough spot BUT it hurts me! So, it's over with us, and I don't know if he lied or not - I feel hurt & deceived?? I said I was going to try to move on, no contact etc. It's been officially 2 weeks without contact - its a struggle. Everyday I still think of him! It doesn't help that I work in the town he lives in - less than 30 seconds from his home! A song comes on the radio, I miss him, something happens in life, I want to share it with him. I miss his voice, our times, its pathetic! I KNOW IT IS but I DO! Why do I feel this way if he lied to me, if he is with that woman now?? He very well could be & I suspect he is as he never confirmed or denied that he kept me waiting around while he waited to see what was up with her. I'm forgetting what his voice sounds like, things like that hurt. I never expected this or wanted it.

With spring coming I think of all the fun things we did, and what we were gonna do that we missed last year. But, maybe the only thing that keeps me going is thinking this - EVEN IF we got back together, would I trust him? Fully? Would it work? Not unless he changed and lets face it - he isn't willing to change I think?? But on the flip side, I think, IF he did come back after ALL of this, it would have to be because he really does have feelings for me, and that CAN change things if we got past it all! Someone tell me this will get easier...I won't miss him everyday! I know it should be about ME not HIM, but my heart hurts! My mind doesn't forget it all. I'm doing things for myself to keep busy, it doesn't help? I am TRYING. I miss him so much & wish it would STOP!I miss his voice, our laughter, his touch when it was REAL, his companionship, I miss the DAMN CAT! Yep, his cat, and I never liked CATS...but she took to me & slept with me every weekend!

I wish I knew the TRUTH, the answers because thinking you've been stupid or lied to or didn't see something happening right under your nose is a tough feeling to conquer! Time heals right? God, I hope so! Ok, I vented & I apologize for the length of this. I am TRYING to forget, and I can't!

Thanks to this board, I can let it out! Sweetie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 9:34am

so sorry to hear about this! it hurts to say, but chances are he was probably talking/flirting (at LEAST) with this female-type while you two were still together.

whenever someone pretty much leaves you for someone else, i highly doubt he met her the second you two were not together anymore.

the fact that you haven't called him in 2 weeks is great! it hurts to not call, but i know it hurts more that he hasn't called.

i know its hard, and it feels pathetic when its ALL YOU THINK ABOUT all day long, trust me i know. you feel mentally weak just sitting at work dissecting it from every angle. but, one day you'll just wake up and take a deep breath, and it will go away. every song, everything you used to look at while you were together, looks different, every thing on TV, you remembered the last time you watched it when you were with him. the worst is dates, like on a calendar......oh yeah on this date we were still together! etc etc, its hard, very hard, but like one of my friends said, this is a test from god.

how will you handle it, will you crumble under the stress? or will you use it to better yourself, to do good deeds, to stop lying/swearing (just an example), or will you use it to wallow your sorrows in alcohol/anti-depressants?

NOTE: please don't choose the latter.

the heart is a muscle too, things like this will just increase your threshold (thats how i feel anywho) and make you stronger. also, i really hate (yes i can use that word) when people tell you its not healthy to talk/think about it...i've heard from multiple people that the best way to go about this is to just talk until you're tired of talking, until you get it out of your system.

so hopefully this helped!

P.S. - it's so easy to give out advice, rather than to listen to your own advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Sun, 03-11-2007 - 12:12pm
i really have to agree with the previous reply to your post -- in my experience, talking or writing about it until you're either (a) so sick of doing so that you literally just want to do anything else besides thinking about it, or (b) you start to realize that *nothing* and *no one* is worth that amount of time, energy and though when you're getting nothing in return seems to be one of the better "cures" for this time...it's working for me, at least.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 9:03am

Hey there sweetie.

I'm sorry you are going through this...it sucks. I know how hard it is to move on and get over someone, especially when EVERYTHING seems to remind you of him or your time together. I can also relate to the aspect of having to be 'near' his house - my daughter's school is less than 1/2 mile from my ex's apartment and I have to drive by there everyday. Fortunately, I found another way and now take a little longer route JUST to avoid having to drive by there.

Please, do me a favor...go to the library and read "It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken" by Greg Behrendt. It is amazing. Witty, funny, and FULL of common sense ways to heal your heart. I read it, loved it, and went out and bought a copy to keep (which I am re-reading now).

Keep up the No Contact, too. It truly is the only way to heal yourself. Eventually, those old feelings will start to fade and you will wake up each day and think "I'm moving on". His actions (sleeping with someone else) surely don't point to anything good - I mean, how can you 'sort out your feelings' about the relationship you are IN when you are in bed with a new woman? That's just pure stupidity. It's got to hurt, but at least YOU are now aware of what type of man he TRULY is. You'd be wrong to trust him and think that this woman just 'fell into his bed' as soon as you were on the outs with him. No way, doesn't happen like that.

Again, hang in there, and feel free to contact me via email if you'd like. Sometimes it's easier to have a more personal, direct line of communication...