Stuck in muck

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2007
Stuck in muck
3
Fri, 01-25-2008 - 3:15pm

The last few days I have not been able to sleep. I'm up until 4 or 5 a.m. just thinking and replaying all the things that went wrong in the now defunct relationship.
It is about 7 weeks since the official and final breakup.
I am up and down.But right now, this week I just feel stuck, stressed out, confused and remorseful.I can't cry anymore. I just feel stuck and kind of emotionless. The only emotion i do occasionally feel is irritation annoyance and anger. But it comes out in different ways, usually with my female friends who are dating someone/

I think of all the great times we had and the moments between them when i wasn't my best.
When instead of being happy i chose to dwell on the negative.
I worry that there is something innately wrong with me and my abilities to love and be in a functional healthy relationship.

I still worry about him and think about how he is doing. If he has people to talk to, share , do things with on the weekend.
WE have a mutual friend and i saw his name on a mass email and i just kept thinking how can it be that i don't talk to him anymore?

I blame myself for so much, which i think is what is making this so much harder for me. I keep thinking, if only i was this way or that way, then maybe things wouldn't have fell apart.
Since we broke up I feel emotionally stable. The months prior i was an emotional wreck filled with anxiety, depression and loneliness. I hated my job, my life and everything about myself. But in the last few weeks i have been rebuilding myself and with that I think about him. I think about maybe I just was having a bad time with my new job, new city (hour away from him) and that i was asking to much of him.
I got really needy and insecure and he hated it.
Now, I feel like myself again. I have so many things going on, i'm busy and like where i live and it turns out that i really like my job!

And now i wonder if i gave it another chance that we would work ..., but I don't know.
I don't think so.

So confused about this part of the grieving process. I can handle crying and anger, but what is this stuck feeling. stuck and blaming. replaying the entire relationship in my mind over and over and over again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2007
In reply to: paprgrrl
Fri, 01-25-2008 - 4:50pm

I know what you mean about staying up till all odd hours of the morning.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
In reply to: paprgrrl
Sat, 01-26-2008 - 10:07am

Almost 7 weeks for me, and I'm having the same feelings about being "stuck." You're not alone. I'm going to try some of the thought stopping techniques posted somewhere on this board.

There were times in the relationship when I wasn't at my best, either. And now I feel like I can work on those things. Maybe it is impossible to work on those things when you're IN the relationship... I don't know.

Just wanted to let you know that I'm having those same thoughts. Hugs to you.
Anne

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
In reply to: paprgrrl
Sun, 01-27-2008 - 12:21am

Oi Rumination stage I think.

Anyways, to backtrack, ruminating on anything is usually useless. A lot of people will argue that ruminating on things is supposed to give you better insight and reasoning onto the logic of the whole situation. Actually it doesn't. What it DOES accomplish is what you're feeling right here. You think about why the relationship failed, you come to the conclusion that it was your fault, it feeds into your feelings of inadequacy, which reinforce the idea that you made the relationship fail, and it cycles around and around as you constantly build up a list of why it's all your fault that it ended.

As for fixing it, it's a lot like ruminating on anger. Don't squelch it, because usually that makes it worse. A better thing to do is to have a ready distraction every time you think about him. It's scientifically proven to work. So for example, every time thoughts of your ex overwhelm you, pull out a complicated video game or go out for a run. You'll be so busy focusing on those things you won't have time to dwell. Or if you're in bed, leave a sudoku or crossword by your bedside table and do until you're too tired to keep your eyes open.

Susanna


- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past - there's a reason they didn't make it into your future.
- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your