stupid, stupid
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| Fri, 06-25-2004 - 2:07pm |
But I've been OD'ing on Sex and the City, the complete DVD set of which has been my fondest companion throughout the breakup. Anyway, I got the stupid idea last night that I could just call my ex up and talk. I mean, why not, right, it seems mature and rational and whatever, I was thinking about him, we were in love and planning to get married, I gave him my heart, body, trust, loyalty, surely I can just pick up the stupid phone and talk to him without being paralyzed by fear of a harsh response, surely it's been long enough to talk rationally. Sad and sorry as it sounds, I was also going through a vulnerable moment, yesterday would have been the anniversary of our first time making love. Now, and this is going to sound really sad, but that date has been part of my email password ever since. I just couldn't seem to change it. So, I was aware of it. And the mix of thinking about that, us in our early carefree days, and stupid Sex and the City, made me dial up his cell. As soon as his name popped up on my phone, though, I thought "crap, what am I doing?" Like, what was I going to do, call him up and remind him it was the anniversary of the first time we slept together? God, how stupid. We had a nasty breakup, I explained that his abandoning me when I had cancer was my reason for leaving, he told me that he hated me anyway and just wanted to forget the 2 year relationship ever happened (no, he's not 9, he's 30, and a lawyer). So, seriously, how was that conversation going to go? What is there left to say to him? Why would I think he'd welcome me sharing some nostalgic moment about our early days, when he apparently thinks I'm a cold hard b-? What was I thinking?
Anyway, I panicked and hung up. But he has caller ID on his cell, of course. Now I've regressed from a 29 year old confident, successful, home-owning lawyer to that stupid teenager who calls and hangs up. God, how embarassing. I'm more mortified than hurt/anxious/upset, really. Today I was thinking how glad I was that I didn't talk to him, how maybe there's just too much death and destruction from the breakup to ever smooth it over and make nice (plus, I've tried to do the mutual apology, we had a great thing, good luck with your life gesture, but see above, what I got was a dead echo of "I hate you, get out of my room" from my pre-teen years fighting with my sister - I think he needs to be the one to make any further gesture).
But, I guess it's a reminder that you can still slip up. And beware of pop culture, especially any show, movie, whatever, that suggests that endlessly hooking up with your toxic ex is romantic or dramatic. Bad Sex and the City, bad.

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Now my ex-bf never claimed to be madly in love with me, yet was much more considerate in general and seemingly interested in what I had to say. All his actions seemed to speak of love. He was sweet and generous. But now I realize I mistook natural curiosity for genuine interest. But looking back, I can see how our relationship was all about his needs. Once again, I allowed it to happen. In this case it was pushing aside my wants so I would not presure him and scare him off. Well, he is gone anyway. I guess the moral of our stories is that if you find yourself making too many compromises and concessions, then there is serious trouble with your relationship in general.
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