stupid, stupid

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
stupid, stupid
12
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 2:07pm
It's been about 3 months since the breakup. I feel pretty distant from the relationship now, frankly, and have had a lot of fun trying to demythicize him by remembering (and putting on notecards) his flaws, times he treated me badly or hurt my feelings, etc. There's a funny off-topic thread on Mending Broken Hearts on disgusting habits, read it and try it yourself, it really helps.

But I've been OD'ing on Sex and the City, the complete DVD set of which has been my fondest companion throughout the breakup. Anyway, I got the stupid idea last night that I could just call my ex up and talk. I mean, why not, right, it seems mature and rational and whatever, I was thinking about him, we were in love and planning to get married, I gave him my heart, body, trust, loyalty, surely I can just pick up the stupid phone and talk to him without being paralyzed by fear of a harsh response, surely it's been long enough to talk rationally. Sad and sorry as it sounds, I was also going through a vulnerable moment, yesterday would have been the anniversary of our first time making love. Now, and this is going to sound really sad, but that date has been part of my email password ever since. I just couldn't seem to change it. So, I was aware of it. And the mix of thinking about that, us in our early carefree days, and stupid Sex and the City, made me dial up his cell. As soon as his name popped up on my phone, though, I thought "crap, what am I doing?" Like, what was I going to do, call him up and remind him it was the anniversary of the first time we slept together? God, how stupid. We had a nasty breakup, I explained that his abandoning me when I had cancer was my reason for leaving, he told me that he hated me anyway and just wanted to forget the 2 year relationship ever happened (no, he's not 9, he's 30, and a lawyer). So, seriously, how was that conversation going to go? What is there left to say to him? Why would I think he'd welcome me sharing some nostalgic moment about our early days, when he apparently thinks I'm a cold hard b-? What was I thinking?

Anyway, I panicked and hung up. But he has caller ID on his cell, of course. Now I've regressed from a 29 year old confident, successful, home-owning lawyer to that stupid teenager who calls and hangs up. God, how embarassing. I'm more mortified than hurt/anxious/upset, really. Today I was thinking how glad I was that I didn't talk to him, how maybe there's just too much death and destruction from the breakup to ever smooth it over and make nice (plus, I've tried to do the mutual apology, we had a great thing, good luck with your life gesture, but see above, what I got was a dead echo of "I hate you, get out of my room" from my pre-teen years fighting with my sister - I think he needs to be the one to make any further gesture).

But, I guess it's a reminder that you can still slip up. And beware of pop culture, especially any show, movie, whatever, that suggests that endlessly hooking up with your toxic ex is romantic or dramatic. Bad Sex and the City, bad.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
In reply to: milton333
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 3:14pm
It's amazing how a breakup forces us to continually analyze and re-assess our relationships and ourselves. I saw a lot of my ex husband in your description of your ex bf. Now, he isn't the reason I am on these boards since we have been apart for over 5 years. But since we have two children together, we are still in a relationship of sorts. He claimed that he loved me so much he would cut off his right arm for me. When we broke up, he would tell anyone who would listen how in love he was with me. Yet how many times did he seem more interested in a commercial on TV than what I had to say. How many times were my opinions validated only when someone else expressed them as well. How many times did he tell me to communicate my wants only to tell me I wasn't right. Well, I could go on. While he has good qualities, I came to realize half way through my marriage that I was in a supporting role in the story of his life, not an equal partner. Everything was about him and looking back I know that I allowed it to happen for the sake of harmony.

Now my ex-bf never claimed to be madly in love with me, yet was much more considerate in general and seemingly interested in what I had to say. All his actions seemed to speak of love. He was sweet and generous. But now I realize I mistook natural curiosity for genuine interest. But looking back, I can see how our relationship was all about his needs. Once again, I allowed it to happen. In this case it was pushing aside my wants so I would not presure him and scare him off. Well, he is gone anyway. I guess the moral of our stories is that if you find yourself making too many compromises and concessions, then there is serious trouble with your relationship in general.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2004
In reply to: milton333
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 4:06pm
FYI. You can rent the entire seasons of Sex & the City--worth it.

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